Coffee talk

I love the smell of coffee, for me it is such a calming scent or more of an awakening scent I guess you could say.  I need that today, I am so tired mentally.  The past two nights I’ve been having dreams about my boyfriend, the first night was that he left me for some other broad and last night he forgot everything that has transpired between us since our first encounter last Halloween.  Both were heart-breaking dreams and they’ve really shattered my perspective on shit and that sucks.

My subconscious is putting these dreams into my brain and I’ve been trying to figure out why.  I’ve been playing moments over and over in my brain and even reflecting on past relationships to see if I can understand the underlying motive to these dreams.  I think that whenever I feel true feelings for someone I run away or sabotage my own happiness because I am afraid.  I’m afraid of everything, especially heartbreak because it was heartbreak that destroyed me and put me in that dark place that I feel that my mind has these defense mechanisms that make me end my relationships or find reasons to fight and ruin a good thing because I would much rather destroy my relationship and leave on my own terms than be left because being left and rejected is one of the hardest things to cope with.  I know that is shallow and selfish of me to admit but I truly love my guy.  He is the first person ever that I have truly loved and been in love with.  It is scary, being in love and the idea of that person leaving you for someone else or because they don’t love you anymore can put these types of dreams in your head.

I think these dreams or nightmares rather, are coming up is because this is the time that I usually run, before I am in over my head but too late, I already am.  I can feel how much I love my boyfriend, how much I trust him and care for him and I think my mind, body, and soul are finally realizing that this is my person and that I can’t keep thinking that it is going to fall a part because all of my other relationships have.  Those relationships fell apart so me and my person could find each other.  Never have I been with someone who loves and cares for me as deeply as he does and I am so thankful for that, but I am also fearful of losing him.  I can’t keep thinking like that though, I need to just stop thinking that everything good in my life is going to fall apart and that some big disaster is going to ruin my relationship.

These dreams are telling me that I need to fight every damn day for my relationship and never become comfortable or complacent.  That I need to tell him I love him and how grateful I am to have his love in my life because when you stop doing those little things, that’s when the relationship isn’t as special or meaningful anymore and I intend to work as hard as I can to make him happy and myself happy because relationships are a partnership and I am lucky to have such an amazing partner to call mine.


Where I am at

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

So, I decided not to go through with my membership at Weight Watchers.  At first I thought that maybe this is something for me, but when I went days without tracking or really getting into the groove of tracking I just knew in my gut it wasn’t for me. Some days I like to just go with how my body feels, while some other days I like to track what I’m eating whether it is calories or just jotting it down.  Many of my readers know that I am someone who changes what they do and like often, and I accept that.  Therefore, I need a “plan” that can work with that so, I’m my own plan.  I’m not going to fall into these fad diets and ways of losing weight, I’m just going to listen to my body and see what comes of that.

I signed up on the app Lose It! so if I want to track I can and if not, no biggie.  The interface of the app is beautiful and I really enjoy it.  I was on vacation the past nine days and probably gained five to ten pounds due to the overconsumption of alcohol and fried food, along with the fact that I didn’t exercise, but I don’t feel too bad about it because I truly relaxed and enjoyed myself and there is no harm in that.

My health isn’t that great though, due to my bad decisions I’ve been tired, cranky, bloated, and having some serious headaches and fatigue.  I know that the main reason is my gluten consumption over the past few months.  For those of you who don’t know, I recently got diagnosed with Celiac Disease this past spring so you would think that my mind and willpower would know better, guess not.  I sort of threw my hands up and told myself and others, “Screw this, I’m going to eat all the gluten I want and just deal with it” well, living with excruciating stomach pains, rashes, and mood swings is not the life I want to live so if I need to avoid gluten for the rest of my life well you bet your butt I’m going to do that.  When I was on my gluten free diet not only was I not bloated, but my anxiety levels dropped so much and my stomach pain ceased almost completely so I wonder, why did I decided just to give up? Why would I put myself through this?  I think maybe because it is expensive to eat gluten free, you don’t get to enjoy a nice beer (I love beer), and going out to eat just sucks, it makes you feel like crap about yourself and how you can’t eat anything.  But, my health is worth the mental struggle and I know there are restaurants and recipes I can find that will accommodate my disease. So, today is my day one back on the gluten free train.

I haven’t been writing as much either.  Obviously on here you can see that I’ve been neglectful of my blog and if you read my journals you can see that it has been months since I’ve picked those up as well.  I just haven’t had the motivation to write the last couple of months, but I’ve noticed that lately I’ve just decided to start writing with no destination and have come up with some decent ideas and good vibes so I think that these bumps in my road will smooth themselves out as I move forward.  This vacation and really letting loose has given me this new and exciting motivation.  We all go through the phases of being so focused and motivated then those droughts of sorrow and laziness and it happens, we deal with it, and as long as we keep moving forward that is all that counts in my opinion.

Weight Watchers Week One

Well here we are!  As promised I am here with an update on how my first full week of being on the Weight Watcher’s Points Plus system has been.

All week I’ve been tracking my food and making sure I’m active at least four days a week so I can keep my allowance points for my getaway to the Cape this weekend and I’ve been staying on track for the most part. However, on Wednesday I was just sort of bummed out, really slumming around and fell off the wagon towards the end of the day but I got right back on track soon after and have been kicking butt again.

What do I think of system? It is simple and easy to follow, points in and points out.  It can be a bit nerve racking to have to keep track of everything and making sure you stay within your points but I’ve found that being active and getting those active points really gives you some wiggle room to snack or have a beer or two.

I won’t lie, I am going to keep track of what goes in and out this weekend but if I slip or have too many beers I’m not going to worry about it. I think that this plan can be a sustainable way of losing weight because you aren’t cutting out carbs or fat or only eating 1,000 calories a day.  Weight Watchers encourages you to eat good foods such as fruits and veggies because they have zero points (besides potatoes, corn, and a few others).

I feel good, I am sleeping better, and I am actually enjoying this process.  I tried on bathing suits the other day and could see the difference in my waist then what it was a month ago.  I’ve been making good strides in the health department and I am confident that joining Weight Watchers was a step in the right direction.

Happy Monday – Finals Week

Good morning Readers,

Happy Monday, let the week of finals, no sleep, and stress begin. I’ve been bad this semester, unmotivated, depressed, and just in a funk that has probably affected my grades greatly. I’m worried that my actions may leave me in a troubled spot, but this week I’m going to do the best that I can and that is all I can do. If I fail then it is a learning lesson to grow from, nothing is the end of the world, everything has its own lesson to teach. I’ve owned my mistakes and faults this semester, I didn’t care, at all and that isn’t me. I let my own laziness and sadness prevent me from working hard. My ADD makes it tough for me to focus and stay on track and that problem became evident during this Spring semester. I don’t want to go back on Adderoll, it makes me jumpy, not hungry, and a little fuzzy when I come down from the medicine and I hate it. I would much rather a more natural method if I can find one.

On another note, I’ve been doing well with moving and eating. Yesterday Zach and I went on a 2.5 mile nature walk at a local state park and it was so refreshing. I really love walking especially when it is beautiful out and the scenery is so welcoming. I’ve been religiously using my Fitbit Flex, hitting all of my goals including steps, water intake, active minutes, and all that good stuff. I drank almost 100 fl oz of water yesterday and I’m pretty proud of that. I get out of work at 1:30 today and before I dive into my homework and papers, I think I’ll go for a quick jog to just refocus and get my blood going because sometimes I get tired after working the morning shift but I need to stay on track.

On a personal note, I’ve been seeing someone for the past couple of months and he is perfect. I’m pretty lucky to be with someone who is so supportive and loving. I almost feel inadequate because he is so genuine, and not that I’m not, I just am not used to such an easy going relationship I feel like I don’t deserve him or the relationship itself. We don’t see each other every day or text non stop but when we are together it is all smiles and laughs. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone and I am so thankful to have him in my life.

This week is going to be hectic but I pray to God that I can make this all work and if not, then I know that I owned my mistakes and to do better next time.

Comfortable and Confident

So, update: I’ve lost five pounds in about two weeks! I’m pretty excited because I haven’t been killing myself at the gym or not eating yummy food! I’ve been counting macros which has totally changed my perception on food and moderation. With my binge eating disorder I have always just saw food as the enemy and that if I have a cookie I just can’t have one because my binge eating takes over and I end up eating all of them.

This isn’t the case anymore. Now that I have started to count macros I see the beauty in flexibility and being able to control what I eat in a healthy way. Yesterday I had Mcdonalds and protein peanut butter donuts that I made like, in what world can you eat that and still lose weight?! Well, MyFitnessPal told me that if I eat the way I did yesterday, I will be ten pounds lighter in five weeks. Well, that was enough for me to be convinced that counting macros is my heaven. The fact that I can eat “healthy”, eat “shitty”, exercise, and enjoy the process while seeing results is making me one happy girl.

I’m learning how to count macros and when and how to get my protein in because that is what I’m finding to be troublesome because I’m such a carb whore that it is hard to find things that fit for my protein without over-loading my carbs! I’ve been indulging in Quest Bars and Cellucor Peanut butter Marsh-mellow Protein Powder, that stuff is the bomb! I use one scoop of that, some unsweetened vanilla almond milk, and a squirt of sugar free chocolate syrup and it is delicious!

I’m going to start updating on more of my weight loss because I just feel so good about this and I want to tell the world!