I love the smell of coffee, for me it is such a calming scent or more of an awakening scent I guess you could say. I need that today, I am so tired mentally. The past two nights I’ve been having dreams about my boyfriend, the first night was that he left me for some other broad and last night he forgot everything that has transpired between us since our first encounter last Halloween. Both were heart-breaking dreams and they’ve really shattered my perspective on shit and that sucks.
My subconscious is putting these dreams into my brain and I’ve been trying to figure out why. I’ve been playing moments over and over in my brain and even reflecting on past relationships to see if I can understand the underlying motive to these dreams. I think that whenever I feel true feelings for someone I run away or sabotage my own happiness because I am afraid. I’m afraid of everything, especially heartbreak because it was heartbreak that destroyed me and put me in that dark place that I feel that my mind has these defense mechanisms that make me end my relationships or find reasons to fight and ruin a good thing because I would much rather destroy my relationship and leave on my own terms than be left because being left and rejected is one of the hardest things to cope with. I know that is shallow and selfish of me to admit but I truly love my guy. He is the first person ever that I have truly loved and been in love with. It is scary, being in love and the idea of that person leaving you for someone else or because they don’t love you anymore can put these types of dreams in your head.
I think these dreams or nightmares rather, are coming up is because this is the time that I usually run, before I am in over my head but too late, I already am. I can feel how much I love my boyfriend, how much I trust him and care for him and I think my mind, body, and soul are finally realizing that this is my person and that I can’t keep thinking that it is going to fall a part because all of my other relationships have. Those relationships fell apart so me and my person could find each other. Never have I been with someone who loves and cares for me as deeply as he does and I am so thankful for that, but I am also fearful of losing him. I can’t keep thinking like that though, I need to just stop thinking that everything good in my life is going to fall apart and that some big disaster is going to ruin my relationship.
These dreams are telling me that I need to fight every damn day for my relationship and never become comfortable or complacent. That I need to tell him I love him and how grateful I am to have his love in my life because when you stop doing those little things, that’s when the relationship isn’t as special or meaningful anymore and I intend to work as hard as I can to make him happy and myself happy because relationships are a partnership and I am lucky to have such an amazing partner to call mine.