When Life is Against You

Hi.

I know I haven’t posted here for a long time and honestly, I was just going to retire this blog but then I remembered, this is my journal. My diary. Since 2013 I have laid out my fears, expectations, regrets, plans, and more. I have written about the several downs and ups in my life and to me, there is no reason for me to never write here again.

I am human. I still struggle with mental illness amongst other things and I need to release some things, today.

For the past two weeks I have been visiting South Carolina with my best friend and staying at her Mom’s house. This experience has been great in the sense that I’ve gotten out of my house in Massachusetts, I’ve been really digging deep into my spiritual practice, and I get to spend time with my favorite person. However, I do not have a job, money is really tight, and I’ve been applying to countless of jobs just trying to get my life back on track.

I feel very hopeless. I’m supposed to be going to Ireland in August with my best friend and at this rate all of my savings will be gone to bills and I’ll have nothing and that scares me. Why did I put myself in this position? Who am I to up and leave a job just to explore and see the world?

I am grateful though. Very grateful for the opportunities that life has given me. I know that this trip was necessary for my soul’s growth. For my overall personal expansion but, it is hard to look past fears and doubts to see the abundance and beauty in your life – among the internal struggles.

Thoughts are things, I know this. I know that if I continue to dwell on the fact that I haven’t landed a job yet, that will continue to be my reality so, I’ve been trying to affirm that I will have a great job, I will be abundant, and my life will be positive and moving in the right direction.

But.

I still can’t erase these fears when they creep into my mind. I like to think that I try to overcome these darker fears and see that life is life, I am alive, happy, and the world around me is fruitful so, how do I stay there? How do I not allow myself to fall into the blackhole of anxiety and fear of the future that has yet to come?

I’ve been in my head a lot these past few weeks, months, etc. It seems that when things start to settle either I or the Universe likes to shake things up again. I wonder if I’ll ever live a stabile life again but also, where is the excitement in that?

I’m like a ping pong ball, constantly going between feeling positive or negative – hopeful and hopeless. When will it end? Will it ever? I’m not sure.

All I know that I am in this present moment. What can I do right now that can ease my troubled mind? I can meditate, draw, or write like I am now. Releasing these doubts will help me make room for more positive thoughts to settle in.

Here are my fears:

  • Not finding a job before my trip and therefore having to dip into my savings to pay for bills and then I won’t have any money for my trip and will have to eat food out of a garbage can or worse, cancel my trip
  • My relationships with people are starting to change and I’m not sure where they will go from here
  • Spiritually I am evolving and I am unsure of what the path before me holds

Okay so yes, my fears are entirely about the future which I can’t control, which I know. Of course I know this. My whole life my fears and anxieties have lived in the future and there is nothing that I can do to manipulate it to what I want. I know that this is because i have a lack of trust in myself and the Universe. How do I rewire my brain? How do I release an anxious pattern that I’ve had since I was ten years old?

I am so very confident that I am evolving into the person that I want to be. I feel it more each day and I am thankful for the experiences in my life and I need to stop saying all of that and then saying, “but”. But nothing.

I am abundant
I am abundant
I am abundant
I am abundant
I am abundant

I release my fears to the Universe
I release my fears to the Universe
I release my fears to the Universe
I release my fears to the Universe

Saying positive affirmations several times per day is what helps ground me back to the fact that I am abundant and I can release those fears to the Universe. I do not need to carry these mental burdens on my own.

In the end as Humans, we are just a spiritual experiment played out my God and the Intergalactic Council and I know this to be true but, as a human being – t is hard to see past the surface of what is and what could be.

I am however, confident in the higher powers that is my soulSelf and God. The Universe does have my back and I know that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to.

But, I could use some reassurance right about now.

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