Making weight loss “stick”

Such great ideas and motivation!

I can't afford to be fat

I have recently become obsessed with Erin Condren planners. I was originally introduced to her Teacher Planners and fell in love. It was perfect for planning with multiple preps and it actually made me EXCITED about planning…which is HUGE for me. Usually around this point in the summer, I’m crying in my bed, mourning the end of the summer.

I joined several Facebook groups that were geared purely towards Erin Condren planners. I was amazed that this world had been going on around me and I had been oblivious. Stickers! Washi Tape! Custom Etsy listings! Wow!!

Like I said. Obsessed. Or as a I recently told someone…I’m in deep.

I dove in, headfirst. And I’m really excited because I have some awesome WEIGHT LOSS tools that I’m hoping will motivate me even further! In my opinion, if you see something everyday, it helps you to be more aware of…

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Wandering, but not lost.

The last week or so I’ve been lazy. I haven’t really kept up with cleaning my room, I’ve been going to the gym thankfully but have been slacking with hitting my macros. I have to finish my registration for classes but now I’m second guessing my majors, once again. I read my horoscope the other day and it talked about how my worry of not knowing what to do with my life and not having a direction is a fear that I need to let go. But this is my future were talking about, this is my money, and someday family that revolves around the idea of where I will be in terms of my degrees and occupation. Many people I say this to laugh and say that no one knows what they want to do in life, but I disagree. I know plenty of people who know EXACTLY what they want to do whether it be being a doctor, teacher, dentist, or homeless person, at least they KNOW what they want in life. Me? I have no idea, I love art, photography, painting, writing, all of it, but what job can I get with that? Same with philosophy, I know they would be KILLER classes to take and learn about, but what job can I get from it? Even though I currently work for an awesome company and I have ZERO intentions of leaving it, I just can’t help but think, am I doing the right thing? But, I guess while I’ve been writing this post I’m realizing that life WILL figure itself out. These are two things I know fit well with me (art and philosophy) and I know that I can prosper in anything I do if I try and promote positivity. I hope that karma will return the goodness that I’ve put out, granted, I’m not a saint, nor am I always positive, but I always strive to be a good person and do what is best for myself and my loved ones but no one is perfect, I know I’m not. All I can do is try to stay true to my heart, and be honest with myself and others, always. 

Solitary Pursuits

Finding yourself, whether it is something happens repeatedly, should still be practiced. It is eye opening, in my opinion and can bring great happiness.

Therapeutic Misadventures

There is a place where we can all go that allows for the silencing of the noise of ordinary life. A place where we each find a solitary pursuit of a moment; a goal, a dream fulfilled. I love the mornings because I wander and drink in every bit of new color, every drop of dew that heralds a new flower.

Writing is a solitary pursuit. How many times a day, when you are cooking, cleaning, dealing with the minutia,  those around you in all good faith say, “What can I do to help you?” and usually it is something as simple as  “OK thanks, chop this, hold this, move that,” or whatever. Some pursuits, no one can help you with. When I sit down to write, no one else can lend a hand. There is nothing any other being  can possibly add to my experience. It has to be…

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Worried

Throughout my life I’ve always wanted to try new things such as hobbies. In grade school I wanted to join the sketching club, I didn’t think of myself as a bad artist and I thought this could be MY thing. I remember walking into the sketching club, run by my art teacher, and seeing all of these awesome drawings my classmates were hanging on the wall. I sat down, opened my notebook and started to sketch flowers, the kid next to me scrunched up his face and sneered, “That’s not how you hold a pencil when you sketch…” he laughed, and then walked away. I looked at my photo, the lines were harsh, not blended, and I always tend to grip my pens and pencils very tight so, the lines were intense compared to the sketches of my other classmates. I was so embarrassed, I went home and never went back to the sketching club because I just knew it wasn’t MY talent, even though I’m not half bad at drawing and with practice I bet it could have been something I loved to do, but my anxiety and embarrassment stopped me from pursing it. 

Then in middle school I wanted to play soccer, I had played when I was about seven when every child on the field runs after the ball rather than having offense and defense players, kids at that age are too young to understand strategy such as that. So, I thought, I know how to play soccer this will be easy, well, with my bum ankle that I broke when I was younger and never healed right I got discouraged, but I knew I could work around it. However, I then saw at practice all the girls who have been playing consistently for years, they had a groove, a natural talent, and here is me, the duck among the beautiful swans, kicking the ball in every wrong direction possible and making a COMPLETE fool of myself, hearing the laughs from my teammates completely broke me so, I went home, quit the soccer team, and never tried out for sports again. 

When I want to try something new, or try to find my “special talent” I try too hard, go too fast, and I give up because I don’t want to be judged or laughed at, I want to be praised and feel like this is something I am good at. My whole life I have been surrounded by people who were good at SOMETHING whether it was drawing, soccer, or what have you, I was always that person just hanging out. I know I’m good at things like singing (in the shower), cooking, I’m pretty knowledgeable in reference to the gym and nutrition, and I’m a half decent writer. I just, I don’t know, every time I wanted to put myself out there it ended with being laughed at and being put down by myself. I know a lot of this anguish is due to my history of being bullied and my own self doubt, but in my defense, it is also intimidating when you pick up something new and meet someone who is literally a genius in that subject or hobby and you are the newbie, the person who has yet to discover much about the said hobby and it is overwhelming, at least for me. But my new “hobby” is more than a hobby, much more than that, I think that is why I am terrified of falling short because it is something I love to do. 

With photography I am determined, yes, it has definitely overwhelmed me but, it is interesting how you can almost paint a beautiful piece of art through a lens. I love how the camera feels in my hands and how empowered I feel, so in control, it is like I am the artist and anything I see through the lens is my canvas and how I create the picture and capture the moment is the paint that puts it all together. Although I won’t be a pro overnight, I am motivated to learn because I’ve never felt this connected towards something, it is like an addiction, holding the camera, thinking of different pictures I can take, and putting it all together just makes me feel so fulfilled and happy. It probably sounds crazy, but when I think to myself, “OH! I can go here and take a picture of this really cool thing, no wait! I can go to the beach and take pictures of the sunset, etc…” that in itself gives me great happiness, I get to stimulate my brain and put together these pieces of a puzzle, I get to challenge myself and push my mind to ideas that I may have never thought of before and I dig that, a lot. I’m just always nervous of falling short or making myself look like a fool, I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful but it is easy to let the past creep up on you and influence your mind set. Moving forward I’m just going to keep going through the motions, I know there will be times where I feel discouraged, but there will also be those moments where I take a great picture and I can be proud of myself for that. Either way, I know I’m moving in the right direction, as long as I continue to be motivated and eager to learn, I know I will be okay.

Today, I am grateful.

I woke up today groggy, since I haven’t been sleeping well, sort of on the wrong side of the bed and dreading the day ahead. My alarm kept going off, followed by me pressing the snooze button, I was awake, but too lazy to turn off the alarm and too lazy to expose my skin to the cold air in my room, given off by my AC. I have to be at work for 12:30pm, I look at the clock at it’s 11:00am, knowing I have to leave at 12pm to give myself some time to park, walk a half a block, and set up my station, I know I should get up. 

“I’m not ready” I tell myself, I don’t want to start this day, I don’t want to shower, do my makeup, and get dressed for work, I don’t want to be a big girl, all I want to do is lay in bed and dwell in my own negativity. Sometimes I don’t know why I wake up with that cloud over my head, or why I can’t just put a smile on and make that day an awesome one, I know I promote happiness and looking on the bright-side, but I can’t help but feel that sometimes my own doubt and moodiness changes that optimistic girl into a glass half empty human being. So, I finally get out of bed after fighting with myself for fifteen minutes, I play some Johnny Cash while I take my morning shower, he always brightens my mood, his music from the beginning of his career, right to the end lightens my heart every time. I planned my outfit the night before, royal blue, three quarter length sleeve, button up shirt with my black dress pants and silver flats. Sometimes when I dress up for work (like I always do) and really do my make up nicely, and wear jewelry I always feel a little better, making yourself feel good on the outside really helps you feel good on the inside. I’ve realized that no one can truly get me out of these ruts but myself. Sure, my mom told me how lovely I looked today which is always nice to hear, I told myself how beautiful I looked too, something I didn’t always do before, but I appreciate my personal beauty, not in a conceded way but more of a self love and appreciation, rather than self hate. 

My drive to work can range between fifteen minutes to twenty since I typically drive in the early afternoon and most people are in work so I cruise, listen to some good music. I turned on “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, I know, most people can’t stand this song because, who writes a song about being happy? Well, this song ALWAYS puts me in a good mood, the beat is such a go-getter rhythm, and the lyrics to me refer to the idea that being happy means forgetting about the outside world, forgetting about the negativity that will always be around you whether you like it or not, and making the best out of the situation and rather than dwell on all the bad things, let go and just be happy. I know it is kind of lame to think of music like that, but I over-analyze everything whether it is pictures, music, writing, movies, tv, literally everything, but I enjoy that about myself, I enjoy that I over think because it allows me to dig deeper, past the surface, and down to the nitty-gritty. I know I tend to ramble when I post, so let me get back on track…

On my way to work I am listening to good jams and enjoying the sunshine while also appreciating the cold AC in my car, I arrive to work early and start putting together my station for the afternoon and evening, talking to my assistant manager and just realizing how lucky I am. A lot of people my age in their late teens and early twenties have jobs where they have to work a ton of hours, or work every weekend and holiday. You could consider these jobs to be ones that most people wouldn’t claim to be their profession or dream job, but more or less to get them through college or a rough patch, primarily food service and retail. I’ve worked briefly in both and I can testify to the fact that these jobs diminish you mentally and physically. They are demanding, time consuming, and under paid and appreciated, I respect those who work for these companies, I do, because I know I couldn’t. 

I go to school full time, granted I commute, but my bosses make it a point to work with my schedule the best they can. Sure, I might be speeding from school to work but I make it work because if they take the time to put the schedule together and accommodate my classes, then I can bring my work clothes to school and change there, or, I can make sure I park closer to my class so I can leave promptly. I am so grateful that I work for this company, I am so thankful that I have this sort of “big girl” job, that I get paid vacations, paid holidays if I am scheduled for that day, and rarely work weekends, and when I do, it is for about four hours and I’m out by noon time. Obviously when I have to literally get up and go to work I’m miserable because I’m such a hermit and love laying in my bed, but once I get up and going and I’m working with my customers, I remind myself how much I love working here, how much I love making my customers happy and feel appreciated. 

Also, this company promotes equality in all forms: gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, you name it! My father works for the same company, were not in the same department or building so we don’t have to worry about nepotism, but my father is originally from Wales, he is not a U.S. citizen and has served in both the U.S. Army and Air Force. He knows more about American History than most American citizens I know, and our company is literally paying for him to apply for his citizenship, that in itself can be over a thousand dollars to get and all he has to do is pay I think, the application fee. He is so happy and I am so proud of him, and proud to work for a company that takes care of their own.

Again I am rambling, but I guess in the big scheme of things I woke up in a bad mood, I legitimately put myself in that bad mood and I was mad at myself for being in that mood, making it worse. I’m proud of myself that I overcame it and realized the good in my life and how lucky I am. I have an incredible job, a loving family, supportive friends, and so much more. Sometimes it takes one good thing like my job, to remind me of ALL of the things in my life I am grateful for, I have come a long way from my dark days, back then I would have let myself sit in that awful mood all day, I would’ve maybe even embraced it, but not now. No, I will never let myself sit in a puddle of self pitty and sadness, I will remind myself of the beautiful world around me, even if it takes some time, it will happen because the benefit of feeling good about yourself and life is a beautiful thing.

 

And so it begins…

Our plans to go hiking today fell apart because my car decided to fall a part last night, I was looking forward to cleansing my mind and now I’m stuck in my house with nothing to do. All I want to do is just take all this bullshit out of my head and relax and not worry about what life is going to throw at me next. I’ve been doing well at avoiding that idea, the idea that life purposely throws shit at me but today I’m in one of those moods and mindsets, but it is okay because everyone gets down in the dumps, I know it is normal, I’m just bummed I can’t go hiking today, but that won’t stop be from writing or taking pictures, even if they are all of my dog.

Jer wants me to watch this video that goes along with my Nikon D3200, maybe I’ll watch that so I can learn more about my camera and please him. I should probably take notes too because my mind tends to wander and forget, but I think because I am very interested in photography and connect with it, my attention span should be on point, if it was about math though, my attention would be out of the window.

If Dad lets me borrow the truck, maybe I’ll hit the gym tomorrow if my car isn’t done for tomorrow. I think that would really benefit me and my mindset, get me out of this rut. I am determined to have a good and productive weekend, maybe I’ll douche my room and go through all the clutter, maybe move some furniture around, that always makes me happy.

I also wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to all of you who have left such kind comments on my blog since I started it over a year ago, it truly touches my heart to know that y’all care about what I have to say and have almost grown with me, thank you again, so much.

I’ve been slacking

cropped-10527382_10203597930764576_7407363280461364714_n.jpgThe past week I’ve been dragging ass in reference to taking pictures. I wake up, go to the gym or work, then come home and either go out or stay in. I’m mad at myself, kind of like, dude…you enjoy taking pictures so, why aren’t you taking them? Same with writing, I’ve been slacking with my journal too and the first or second post I did on my blog after my trip was to write daily and take pictures. HELLO JESS! You can say how you want to do all of these things but, you actually HAVE to do them! 

I’m such a goober sometimes, I have all these hopes and dreams and then I get lazy, so lazy. Tomorrow I’m hiking Mount Major with Jese and I’m bringing my damn camera and taking an obnoxious amount of pictures because that is what I enjoy doing. I don’t want to get stale in terms of my creativity, I don’t want to fall back into this life where I wake up, work, and go to bed. No, life has so much more to offer than that. I need to capture it’s beauty through the lens and write how it has affected me in my journal, or let it inspire a poem or short story, something to get my artistic juices flowing.

I miss Italy where everything was so beautiful, and capturing it made it much more exciting, whether it was taking a picture or taking in my surroundings and writing, I felt so relaxed and at peace with myself. Here it’s hard with all the commotion and distractions such as work and other priorities, but hobbies and things such as photography and writing have to be priorities as well, especially since they give me such happiness.

I’ve somewhat gotten back in the gym since I’ve been back, even though I was sick I still pushed through and kicked butt because I know how happy it makes me. Since I haven’t been sleeping well I’ve been choosing sleep over the gym but I am one hundred percent okay with that because I need sleep to function! Also, I’ve been doing pretty well with eating too so I’m confident that I’m on the right track and tomorrow’s hike will be a bunch of fun and challenging. I look forward to mentally and physically pushing myself because sometimes that is what you need to rise above all the outside bullshit, and the bullshit in your own mind.