3.3.16: resolutions, NEDA & happiness

I love March for many reasons, one being that this month Chris and I have been together for a whole year and it has been one of the greatest of my life! Also, March means the end of winter. Although I live in New England and we have gotten snow in March and April, I am really hoping that history doesn’t repeat itself because I am ready for spring, warmer weather, a nice breeze, and sunshine.

Going through some of my more recent posts I re-read my New Year’s resolutions and I wanted to give an update on that:

Have I been sweating more? Yes and no. I haven’t been as consistent as I would like but, I am finding new exercises that I really enjoy or rather, rediscovering exercises that I really like such as: taking outside walks, cycling, and the stair climber. Finding exercises you like to do is crucial for a healthy relationship with your mind, body and soul. I did however, cancel my gym membership because I have access to a free gym at work but, it does kind of stink that I don’t have a place to workout on the weekends or when I’m on vacation but, that’ll motivate me to get my ass outside more!

I also noted that I wanted to do more yoga well, during that time I was actually practicing almost everyday but, lately not so much. I’ve gone to some classes near my house but, I’ve really neglected my home practice. I was making a lot of progress with my flexibility and I was really excited about the results I was seeing however, I just am a lazy person a lot of the time I won’t lie! When I get home from work I just want to lay in my bed, read, make tea, and watch Netflix. It aggravates me that I am like this because yoga has been the biggest aid in my recovery and when I regularly practice I feel great! I just need to get my ass in gear and do it.

In regards to my resolution to read more: I am reading soooooooooooo much it is crazy and I love it. Reading more was a big resolution for me because I am TV kind of gal. Although I love to read, nothing beats watching some of my favorite shows after a long day but, I really have been on a roll with reading. I even have a Scribd subscription and get some library books on my Kindle Fire. I think in the past three months I have read about five books and I made a Goodreads account that you can find here  and you can add me as a friend and we can talk books.

I’m proud that I’ve actually stuck with a lot of my resolutions because typically I forget them all and never look back. 2016 has been really good to me so far and I am very very thankful. Happiness has never been this present in my whole entire life and I truly owe this happiness to my recovery. I never in a million years would’ve thought that I would be this comfortable and confident in the skin I am in. I won’t lie to you though, there are some days I really struggle, I want to lose weight, be skinnier and fitter, and change how I look but, I remind myself that changing the outside won’t change how I feel on the inside and if I am feeling a negative way about my body, there is something internal that I need to reflect on and I do.

This journey isn’t easy and there are many bumps in the road but, seeing as this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week, I think it is important to reflect on where we started, where we are now, and how we cope when struggles arise in our recovery. I think for me, one of the biggest things I’ve been struggling with is just being my natural self. I love makeup and a good outfit because I feel empowered, confident, sexy, and just totally revolutionized whereas when I am wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with no makeup on – I definitely feel more self conscious and I’d like to work on that. So, I have decided not to wear makeup everyday and to start embracing my natural beauty. I think too, I’m not the best when it comes to skincare – I am very content with using a makeup wipe and hitting the pillow so, I think by doing this it’ll get me on a regular skin care regimen. Honest Beauty has free trials of their skincare products which range from dry to oily with balanced in between and it comes with a cleanser, moisturizer, and what they call a “beauty fluid” which has SPF 30 in it so, I have been trying that and I highly recommend it if you are looking for cruelty free and more natural skincare products. They feel very natural on my skin and I just ordered a full size bundle – if anyone would like an update on how my skin reacts to it in a month or so, just let me know!

It feels really good to be writing again, I’ve missed you guys! You all listen to my problems or successes and are always so supportive, thank you! So many things are happening that I just can’t believe that this is my life. I work full time and go to night school so, I’m a pretty busy person but, I’m finding a balance between work and play. Finding that special time for me and the people I love and this journey has just been so rewarding.

If you are dealing with an eating disorder and feel stuck – I just want you to know that there is a way out. That the light at the end of the tunnel will make itself known to you. You just need to trust that it will happen and it will. I know some days feel like they will never end – that the pain will never end but, it does. Talk to someone you feel comfortable with whether it be a significant other, family member, teacher, counselor, what have you – someone will be there to listen and help you towards your first steps of recovery because quite honestly, I believe that talking is the first step. Letting someone know what you are going through and opening yourself up is the hardest part in my opinion. You can even shoot me a message and I will be there to listen and give whatever advice that I can.

Thank you again to those of you who take the time to read my blogs, your support means the world to me.

Where I am at

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

So, I decided not to go through with my membership at Weight Watchers.  At first I thought that maybe this is something for me, but when I went days without tracking or really getting into the groove of tracking I just knew in my gut it wasn’t for me. Some days I like to just go with how my body feels, while some other days I like to track what I’m eating whether it is calories or just jotting it down.  Many of my readers know that I am someone who changes what they do and like often, and I accept that.  Therefore, I need a “plan” that can work with that so, I’m my own plan.  I’m not going to fall into these fad diets and ways of losing weight, I’m just going to listen to my body and see what comes of that.

I signed up on the app Lose It! so if I want to track I can and if not, no biggie.  The interface of the app is beautiful and I really enjoy it.  I was on vacation the past nine days and probably gained five to ten pounds due to the overconsumption of alcohol and fried food, along with the fact that I didn’t exercise, but I don’t feel too bad about it because I truly relaxed and enjoyed myself and there is no harm in that.

My health isn’t that great though, due to my bad decisions I’ve been tired, cranky, bloated, and having some serious headaches and fatigue.  I know that the main reason is my gluten consumption over the past few months.  For those of you who don’t know, I recently got diagnosed with Celiac Disease this past spring so you would think that my mind and willpower would know better, guess not.  I sort of threw my hands up and told myself and others, “Screw this, I’m going to eat all the gluten I want and just deal with it” well, living with excruciating stomach pains, rashes, and mood swings is not the life I want to live so if I need to avoid gluten for the rest of my life well you bet your butt I’m going to do that.  When I was on my gluten free diet not only was I not bloated, but my anxiety levels dropped so much and my stomach pain ceased almost completely so I wonder, why did I decided just to give up? Why would I put myself through this?  I think maybe because it is expensive to eat gluten free, you don’t get to enjoy a nice beer (I love beer), and going out to eat just sucks, it makes you feel like crap about yourself and how you can’t eat anything.  But, my health is worth the mental struggle and I know there are restaurants and recipes I can find that will accommodate my disease. So, today is my day one back on the gluten free train.

I haven’t been writing as much either.  Obviously on here you can see that I’ve been neglectful of my blog and if you read my journals you can see that it has been months since I’ve picked those up as well.  I just haven’t had the motivation to write the last couple of months, but I’ve noticed that lately I’ve just decided to start writing with no destination and have come up with some decent ideas and good vibes so I think that these bumps in my road will smooth themselves out as I move forward.  This vacation and really letting loose has given me this new and exciting motivation.  We all go through the phases of being so focused and motivated then those droughts of sorrow and laziness and it happens, we deal with it, and as long as we keep moving forward that is all that counts in my opinion.

Meditating to free my soul

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Today I decided that I’m going to start writing down my meditation sessions. Reflecting on what thoughts I had or didn’t have, and how I felt before and after, just so I can see my progress. Meditation and yoga have helped me a lot in my mental recovery with my depression and anxiety but I always tend to fall off of my schedule of doing both and forgetting how helpful they both are. I want my mind and body to be in tune with one another and to be able to work together in unison.

This year I’m really focusing on treating my body right and to develop an even healthier relationship with food, exercise, and mental discovery. Each day presents a new challenge to overcome and I am going to do everything possible to make sure that I have the tools to move past each obstacle put in my way.

Big news!

So, I haven’t posted in awhile, been figuring out some stuff, getting into the swing of school and work and trying to find time to workout, I find that I’ve been doing more yoga than anything but rest assured, it is definitely a challenge. Anywho, at the end of summer I planned on going to Ecuador, or at least trying to save for it, but it didn’t apply to my major (the class I mean), and although it would’ve been one hell of an experience, I just wasn’t 100% sold on the trip. However, the director in charge of international studies at my school sent us Italy students an email about Ecuador and…..ENGLAND! They offer a semester abroad next Fall but they now offer a twelve day trip in May that is a literature course, I was sold on that for sure. I had to switch up some classes so it would all fit and now all that is left is to figure out my finances and what not. I get to explore my roots which is something I am really excited about while learning about beautiful British literature and the best part is….HARRY POTTER is on the curriculum because come on, England…London…Harry Potter…it just goes! I really feel like everything happens for a reason, granted, if I get denied for this school loan to go or something prevents me from going I’ll be heartbroken, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make it happen, literally. If that means harassing the financial aid department at my school then so be it. Since I was young I’ve always wanted to visit England, Wales, Ireland, and Italy, and now that I have one crossed off my list, I get to (hopefully) cross off another one and continue to discover more of myself and who I am, which is also exciting. I am nervous that something will prevent me from going, or the people who go on the trip are jerks, or yanno, the usual things people have anxiety about, however we all know my anxiety is much more intense, haha. I feel good about it though, and about this semester, I’ve buckled down a lot already in terms of saving money and getting my work done. I am happy with myself that I’ve actually put my priorities first, and stuck to my guns about staying in line with it all. It is the only first full week of school I know but I am hopeful to continue my good efforts and keep trucking along!

Thank you to all of you who continue to read my posts and support me through this crazy life of mine, it means the world to me. 

Yoga and Bilbo Baggins

This time last year I was really getting into yoga, I was picking up on deals for unlimited yoga for thirty dollars or ten dollars for ten days of unlimited yoga but trying to fit as much yoga as I could into my busy schedule was hard but I fell in love, especially with restorative classes. Sure, hot yoga is great along with vinyasa flow, or any other yoga but restorative classes really helped my anxiety and body, I was hooked. Sadly, the cost of yoga is very expensive, one hundred dollars for a month of yoga is just too much for a college student or even five classes for seventy dollars is a lot so these deals are great, however, another sad aspect is that they are new student specials that you can only get once and I happened to fall in love with the studio near my house. I decided the other day that I was going to pay the fifteen dollars per class fee to take this awesome restorative class with this instructor that I thought was incredible, she was very helpful and kind and I knew that this was the studio I belonged in! Sure, I can’t afford to go everyday or even once a week for that matter but once or twice a month while doing yoga on my own at home while also meditating I feel will be very beneficial for my mental and physical health. 

I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed lately, like I can’t catch my breath or relax for more than five minutes and the last two mornings I’ve meditated with this app called, “Headspace” where for ten days and for ten minutes each day you meditate and are guided through a very relaxing session. I’ve been trying to better my life by limiting the “indulgences” so to speak to just weekends, and really focusing on my body and mind, realizing that my body is a temple that needs to be taken care of and respected, and yoga has always done that for me. It allows me to challenge myself and clear my mind of all the bullshit that gets stuck in there. I’ve just been reflecting on the past and I know I shouldn’t live there because it is not like I can change anything, I need to move on and realize that life has bigger and better plans for me, and it does, I know that and I just need to keep reminding myself that. I’m hopeful that by treating my mind and body better I’ll be able to move past it all and continue my life, “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.” Like Bilbo Baggins says in the LOTR, that is the perfect way to describe how I’ve been feeling everyone wants to get together or go here or there or talk and I just sort of want to lock myself in my room and tell everyone to leave me alone for a few days but I also know that will drive me just as nuts. I’m really a complicated person, I haven’t really realized that up until recently but I guess that is just who I am and I need to accept that too. 

Roll Away Your Stone, I’ll Roll Away Mine. Together We Can See What We Will Find…

Hi All! I’ve been super busy lately hence why I haven’t been around to post…sorry about that. My best friend has recently moved in with me and I am currently transitioning out of my current job. While during the whole time I’m LOVING YOGA! I tried my first class over a week ago and with my gym they have a 30/30 deal in the sense that for thirty dollars you receive thirty days of unlimited yoga which is an awesome deal! 

With the basic membership at thirty dollars, you get full access to their 24/7 hour facility and free spin and conditioning classes. However, the premium membership is about ninety five dollars per month but you get unlimited yoga and gym access and all of their other classes such as their bootcamp class.

I so so so wish I could afford the premium membership because I have fallen in LOVE with yoga!!