Helping those in need – Hike For Hope – Lazarus House

Dear Followers,

On  October 5, 2014, I will be doing a “Hike For Hope” in Andover, Massachusetts that helps support families living in poverty regain stability in their life. The money from this walk/hike will be going to the Lazarus House in Lawrence, Massachusetts, a place that supports these families by offering emergency shelter, food, clothing, work preparation, education, and counseling to help them rebuild their lives, it is a great cause to support. I know many of you do not live close enough to take part in the walk, but I do ask that if you have the spare money that you donate whatever you can to help this cause and these families, there must have been a time in your life where you could barely rub two pennies together, or you’ve known, or still know a family in a similar situation, any donation can be beneficial and I would greatly appreciate any help. If you are in the area and would like to join our team “Team Superheroes” please sign up! It is only $15 to join and you get a free t-shirt, if you have any questions please email me at jessicapalmer2493@gmail.com, and this is the link to where you can donate: http://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1117160&supId=412872101&extSiteType=4  

I appreciate you all taking the time to read this post!

Best Wishes,

Jess

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Emotionally confused

Lately I’ve been happy, driven, staying positive, but also sort of lonely and sad. It is weird to feel that way believe me, it probably sounds just as weird because how can someone be happy and sad? Well, I’m not really sure, I guess I’ve been feeling more let down, I’ve let some people into my life recently, people I thought cared and had big hearts, only to be ignored and let down, what a bummer. During this time though, I’m making new friends, taking on new responsibilities, and really figuring out who I am, and although I am stressed, tired, and emotionally drained, It will all be worth it in the end I keep telling myself. It is discouraging though that someone who seems so genuine and sweet, is content with brushing someone who seems important to them off their shoulder and forgetting that they even exist.

It is aggravating, especially because I pride myself on being a good person, someone who would take the shirt off of their own back to give to a stranger if they needed it and the fact that I go out of my way to make someone feel special, loved, and admired to only get sadness in return really brings me down. Makes me wonder, am I too nice? Do I care too much? the answers to those questions are probably yes, but I can’t change who I am, I can’t just turn off my humanity like vampires can in The Vampire Diaries, this is real life, this is who I am but I hate it, I absolutely hate that I am this way. It’s as if by wearing my heart on my sleeve I am subconsciously allowing people to just come in, take what they want, and bury me alive in my own self doubt and hate, it gets old, real old. I want to make a stand for myself, change the way in which I approach situations such as this one, but I am always afraid of confrontation and rejection because that is human nature, who likes to be rejected, no one obviously. Then again, I always preach to myself and others that if something is meant to be, it will be and if not, it won’t, but it is hard to grasp that especially when you’ve emotionally been involved and opened yourself up because that isn’t easy either, telling someone your secrets and letting them inside your head, past the checkpoint that most people reach and down to the nitty gritty is frightening, and when you finally trust someone and they shut the door in your face, it hurts, a lot and I guess I’m just at this point where I feel unlovable, maybe even crazy, maybe I am the highest on the crazy scale and I don’t even realize it, who knows, all I know is that I tried my best and although it wasn’t good enough I shouldn’t be sad or beat myself up, but that is only human nature too.

I try to remind myself of everything that is positive in my life, I have great friends, family, work, school, my dogs, all of the above but sometimes, it is hard to realize that the good truly outweighs the bad, but I always rise above shit like this, I just know I’m going to have to shake myself out of this funk.

Lets talk sexism

Yes, I am a feminist, but I believe in equal rights for both men AND women, because one should not be looked at as better than the other or more important because although women have faced discrimination since the dawn of time, there are still those rare instances where men can face sexism as well.

Anyways, a good friend of mine in high school was in a male dominant shop, as was I. Being in an environment where men are “dominant” and testosterone fills the air of the garage or shop area, it can be intimidating. It wasn’t easy for either for us to work alongside men who knew what they were doing and being new to the trade, we obviously were still learning and growing but were looked at as weak and stupid. Talk about a low blow to self esteem right? Sure, I don’t know everything there is to know about cars and trucks, but I know more than most, my friend can rewire a house, how cool is that? Not most women can and to have gone through the ordeal of being looked down upon and underestimated, but then coming out on top is a stellar victory.

However, there will always be that person, usually a man, who belittles accomplishments such as those because they still believe that we live in the middle ages and that women should take care of the home and not make anything of themselves, well, that is some horse shit because back in the forties, women were working as machinists, mechanics, hell they were even pilots, look at Amelia Earhart for godsake. For some time now, women have been slowly moving into male dominant roles, we’ve made great strides and are making a change, and for a man to view that as uncomfortable to accept is just…sickening. I would NEVER let anyone, especially a man, tell me what I can or can’t do, especially when it comes to my passions or profession, who are you to say that what I do isn’t good enough or intelligent enough. Knowing that this man said to her, that her dreams and aspirations to be an electrician or mechanic are untouchable and unrealistic, is something that someone with a closed mind and insecurities would say.

I hope that if any women who work in a male dominant workplace, knows that they are beautiful, talented, smart, and strong, and that no man or even woman who doubt the power of determination can take away the accomplishments that have been made.

I am proud to say that I spent two and a half years in a shop where I learned more than I thought I ever could and although I don’t heavily practice what I learned, I still have that knowledge, I still know how to change my oil, replace my brakes, and know what is wrong with my car when I hear a mysterious ticking or grinding in the front end and no one can take that away from me. 

Shame on him for putting down someone so strong and courageous, I like to believe that karma will be coming for him, that one day when he can’t wire his own damn house that she shows up and puts that ignorant snake in his damn place and then he will realize that gender does not matter when it comes to drive and intelligence.

Sexism is something that we will always have to face, no matter how much time has passed, men will always look at women as inadequate or incapable of being independent and I know that not EVERY man feels that way, but these are the facts of life, but I urge women to take a stand for yourself when you are faced with sexism, stand your ground because you are worth it.

Frustration rambles with a brighter ending

I literally hate Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday with a passion. I wake up early to either go to the gym or class, barely eat breakfast, make a quick cup of coffee and I’m out the door. I sit in class for two to three hours, then dash from school to work, work for about five hours or so, get out anywhere from 5:30-6:30, then go home to do homework or hit the gym if I didn’t go that morning, THEN do my homework. By the time it is all said and done it is about nine o’clock, maybe a bit later and I still have to make dinner, shower, and then go to bed. I barely eat enough, yesterday was the first day in awhile that I continuously ate throughout the day and there were times where I felt sick to my stomach because my body isn’t used to me consuming a consistent food throughout the day, I know I need to better meal plan but I’m so exhausted it is hard to keep up with shit like that but I know I’m just making excuses for myself but any busy woman knows that the last thing she wants to do after a long day is cook or meal prep for the next day.

I’m tired though, really tired. I didn’t realize that by taking on a primarily Mon-Fri job, while also going to school full time, was going to wear me down as much as it is. Although I am determined to keep up with the work I’ve been doing, it can be saddening to feel so worn out all the time, I feel bad because my friends want to hang out and I just don’t have enough time unless it is the weekends, or I get a lot of my homework done in one night so I don’t have to do any for the rest of the week which is what is probably going to happen tonight and I’m dreading it. I’ve been trying to go to the gym every other day so I can have enough time to recover while also doing homework and staying on top of that as well, so far so good, tomorrow I’m going to try to get there at like 7am, which means I’ll probably get up at about 6:30am, then go to class but tomorrow is my day off so I can actually relax after class if I want, which will be really nice, I look froward to that greatly. All in all I am grateful for my job and being able to go to school just getting into the swing of things and adjusting to this new schedule has been more challenging than expected. With time I am confident that I can push through the sleepiness and anxiety and rise above it all, I just need to keep focused, keep my sanity in check, and continue to just write it out on here or in my personal journal when the going gets tough. I hate getting anxiety over things like this because these are things that are out of my control, and I need to conform and keep on working with doing things that will help me get to where I want to go.

On a brighter note, I gave in my application and deposit for the England trip in May, only eight months away! I’m excited, really excited to explore England and to see a different part in this crazy world of ours, I can only imagine what I will discover on this trip about myself, and about traveling in general. I know I’ll fall even more in love with it because I already am, I am extremely thankful for the support from my friends and family too, although it’ll be tough, I know that I can financially make this trip work and have the time of my life, thank you to those individuals who never give up on me.

Monday morning rambles

I have been non stop it seems for the past two weeks mentally and physically. I’m either at school, work, the gym, or maybe with friends, while my mind constantly wanders from one idea and feeling to the other, leaving me exhausted. I woke up this morning earlier than I had to, to paint fruit for my painting class and it was a relaxing/stressful way to start my morning, I know you probably don’t understand why I found it both stressful and relaxing but, I’m a perfectionist so painting can be a little brain rattling for me, but I also find myself less physically tense because my brain is so focused. All in all, painting is something I do enjoy greatly, I’m still improving and I’m proud of the strides I’ve made so far. 

Today is going to be a busy day, I have to work at 12pm till 5:30pm, go to the gym for about a half an hour to forty five minutes to lift, come home and do some more homework, and some other important things but today is going to be a good day. I’m going to get ready quickly so I can pack my food for the day so I’m not drained by the time I have to hit the gym.

OH! Today I also get to get my money order for my deposit for England! I’m definitely excited to secure my spot for such an awesome trip, Zach and I were talking about it the other day and we couldn’t stop rambling about how great it is going to be and I’m so happy he wants to go, he is definitely someone I enjoy traveling with and the fact we could possibly explore England together is really cool. 

Even though I have been finding myself constantly busy, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful that I have a job, go to school, and live a healthy life, most people aren’t so lucky and I know that I am. 

I have to get back into meditating though, I’ve been slacking with that and yoga, ugh. Each day I plan on doing it, I get lazy and tired and decide to just snuggle in bed with Willie (my pitbull) and watch Netflix till all hours of the night. I thought this morning I would post a ramble post because I haven’t done one in awhile, and sometimes it is good to let my ADD do the talking and free my mind of the million ideas that come into my head throughout the morning.

Have a great week everyone, try to remain positive, active, and remember how beautiful life is. 

Fate is a funny guy

I feel like life is one big roller coaster, sometimes were climbing up, anticipating what’s to come next, then flying back downward suddenly, and sometimes the bumps can be more intense than the ride before and how we handle it is what creates the outcome of the second ride, if that makes sense?

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m constantly up and down, letting small things get in the way of my positivity, and expecting the worst when I should be looking up, allowing fate to take it’s course and that someday it will all make sense and lately it has been. Reflecting on past actions and feelings have really opened a lot in my mind in terms of moving forward on how to better my relationships with people. I know I can be manipulative, selfish, and defensive, this isn’t news to me, but realizing how to all plays into my life really shook me, in a good way though, I realized a lot, how my actions were stemmed from another time in my life, a time that I had no control in some matters, therefore leading me to be a controlling person even subconsciously. I know I have anxiety about what people think of me, or going to social gatherings I can sometimes have a panic attack, and I’ve done a lot in terms of holding myself back from experiencing life and I didn’t even realize that I was doing it, I didn’t realize how my anxiety and inner issues were changing how I was with my friends, family, and significant other and it took me awhile to realize it all and I’m in a good place to make a change, I’ve been changing for the better this entire summer and I’m proud of myself for that. I am grateful that I get another chance to make things right, even if they end up being different than I want them to be, at least I know that I’ve made peace with myself and those important to me.

When I say fate is funny, I mean that it literally takes you by surprise, one day you are this person, and the next you’re someone else and it can be frightening, exciting, and enlightening all at the same time. Although I am scared for what is to come, I am anticipating good things to come along whether they are what I expect, or not.

Classical music

I’ve been listening to classical music lately, usually when I’m doing homework, meditating, or painting because it relaxes my mind, almost calms me down so I can focus better. I made a playlist on Spotify for my favorite classical artists such as Beethoven, Bach, and Debussy, I love the music it is so beautiful and raw, you can feel the emotion in it and it grounds me. 

I sometimes feel like I am an old soul, that i’ve lived other lives in different times because I connect with so many eras of music it blows my mind. Classical, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 80’s, and present time, I’ve always been a music buff, going with the flow of music, like water rolling down the rocks of a waterfall, in sync. I just thought I’d let you all know how magical this music is and how happy and grateful I am that I am well versed on different eras of music, and that I actually enjoy them!

Goodnight all!