Life has been taking me on one hell of a ride lately. The anxiety I have been feeling is indescribable to tell you the truth, and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. I’m someone who avoids confrontation in the hopes that issues will resolve themselves, but we all know that never happens. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt because everyone deserves a fighting chance right? But you can only push on for so long without it breaking you. I guess you could say I’ve been feeling under appreciated, like the efforts I’ve been making have gone unproved and therefore unsuccessful. I’m constantly battling myself, wondering why my luck has been spiraling down the drain and into the sewer. I like to think I’m a good person, that I try my hardest to enforce positivity in the lives of others. I know many would say, “you have to make yourself happy before you can please anyone else” and to some extent that is true. But on the other hand, I like to go out of my way to make people happy I just think it’s time that I make some room for myself. I am disappointed though in the hasty decisions I have made in the last month or so, but that is something I need to face. I can’t continue to brush it under the rug because it has come to the point where it is taking up too much space in my mind. I always tend to settle for the next best thing, always hoping to mend it to the way I want it to be. We all know how that story ends, failure and self hate. And because of this dilemma I feel my depression and anxiety creeping in slowly but surely. I am starting to get that weight in my chest that I just can’t seem to lift, and that shallowed breath that just never seems to regulate back to normal. Sometimes I think too much, hell I always think too much but lately it’s been so continuous that I feel that my mind is going to explode. I need to start focusing on me again, on my faith and health. I started studying the Bible again, or at least making an effort to watch sermons and understand where I’m meant to be in terms of God and religion. I think it’ll be good for me to fill my void with something other than relationships whether personal or romantic. I think for a long time I have used my friends and lovers to help keep me steady and although I’ve made tremendous strides on my own, I know I can’t keep carrying these burdens alone and I know that getting in touch with my spirituality will help me heal. I need to heal more than anything because like we all know I hate confrontation even with myself. There’s a lot that I haven’t dealt with, things that only I know and I need to open a new chapter in my life. One where I can be set free and truly happy. Don’t get me wrong, although my life has been hectic and mentally stressf, I am happy. This is the happiest I’ve been but I need to maintain that confidence and wholeness at whatever cost necessary because I am my first priority.
She didn’t know how to love, nor did she know how to love herself. Romance novels filled her head with expectations of a love that she would never find, her expectations too high. She spent her time alone in her room painting and writing, waiting to find that fulfillment she longed for. Growing up she didn’t have many friends and most nights were spent alone watching movies filled with adventure and promise. She idolized these characters and the life they possessed, she too wanted to find a thrill in her lack-lustered life. Each night she wrote in her journal of all the hopes and dreams she had of finding love and excitement, but the following days continued to be a disappointment. She relied on outside sources to fuel her fire, to motivate her each day. Being alone was something that tore her from the inside out, constantly tossing and turning each thought in her brain. She felt lonely most days and never knew how to fill the void that was left in her beating heart. No amounts of writing, reading, and daydreaming could erase the pain she felt each day. She wanted to know what it felt like to truly live and one day she did. A handful of sleeping pills with a tall glass of water brought reality to the surface. While her eyes started to close and her breath shallow, she saw how fragile life could be. She felt this warmth spread over her like a wildfire, as if someone was picking her up off the ground and placing her in the hands of happiness. She never realized what she was capable of, that within a blink of an eye our time here on Earth can cease to exist. She awoke from the darkness and saw the world anew. She vowed to take each moment and cherish it, to take every stride with positivity and a smile. Yes, the darkness haunts and eats at her when it gets its chance, but no longer does she give in. She realizes that she does not need anyone or anything to give her the fulfillment of life. That with each day she lives with the glass half full, she is living and happy.
Life recently has been hell. Talk about stressful, time consuming, and mentally draining. School, work, relationships, everything has just been weighing my down. Self doubt is something I’ve been feeling all too often lately and it has come to a point where I need to either a) let it continue to drain me or b) realize that I am strong enough to realize that what I have to offer is honesty, love, and intelligence to this world and to the people that inhabit my life. Some recent events have brought me to a somewhat decent plan although I most likely am not going to England anymore due to financial issues, I have decided that I will get my BA in Communications with a concentration in Public Relations online while I work full time. I need to make more money, but I also need to get my bachelors and I think doing it this way will truly benefit me in the long run. It’ll be a lot of work and I know there will be times where I doubt myself but at the end of the day I know it will be the best decision. I’m still pursuing my photography as well, I’ve been booking shoots left and right and really promoting myself and I’m so very thankful about that. I love taking pictures and capturing life’s beauty because each photo I take is different and each tells their own story. I’ve been slacking with my writing though for sure, although I’ve been blogging more I’ve been neglecting the many journals I have laying around my room along with my novel (work in progress). It seems like I take too much on sometimes, like I spread myself too thin but I know that I need to be proactive in my life to get to where I want to go. Next semester I’ll be taking on five classes again: Statistics, Public Relations, Public Speaking, Literature, and Studio Lighting so I can finish my associates in the Spring. I can only imagine how stressed I’ll be but I know that at the end of the semester when I can walk at graduation and get my associates, I’ll be thankful that I did it.
I need to stop worrying all the time and just let life happen. I’m usually a pretty positive person but recent events and realizations have just brought me into this dark hole that has been swallowing me alive. My anxiety and ADD definitely lead me to make negative assumptions about people and that will be my downfall, truly. I need to let go of my past and see that there is a bright future for me out there and that constantly creating problems in my head won’t get me anywhere. I need to see what is real and actually in front of me rather than make up these crazy scenarios that make no sense and sabotage the good things in my life. I am a sabotager, I don’t mean to be but I have a tendency to ruin good things because I am used to being disappointed and hurt. I need to believe that these good things in my life will remain in tact as long as I stay positive and open minded. I need to learn to take a deep breath and relax because these past few weeks I’ve been so tense and close minded that I feel like I can’t take a deep breath and just let it all go, and I’m going to do that, I WILL do that. I just need to keep reminding myself what I am thankful for in this crazy life of mine such as my family, friends, job, and school. There are many people out there who are not as fortunate as I am and although sometimes I feel as if my life is over, I know that there is so much to be grateful for.
Going forward I vow to do the following things each day:
1. Meditate for at least ten minutes
2. Write in my journal and or blog
3. Do yoga for at least 10-15 mins either in the morning or evening
I think these are all beneficial things that can lead me to a more healthy and positive mindset, and that is definitely what I need in my life these days. I need to motivate and support myself because no one else is going to do that for me. I can’t rely on any relationships whether romantic, personal, or business to improve my mentality because I need to be confident enough in myself to believe and prove that I can do it on my own. I’ve come too far to let this negativity change who I am and impact me like it has before. I am confident, happy, and strong willed. No amount of stress or self doubt will defeat me or keep me in that dark place. I will rise above and conquer.
I’ve been foolish lately. In all aspects of my life, especially money and love. I’m broke, literally I have no idea how I am going to afford my bills while also trying to live my life and save for England. I’m depressed, and I just feel like I’m in this dark hole that I can’t get out of. I’ve been trying to talk to my friends or at least attempting to do so and I feel like no one understands. I just want to escape it all and start over but debt is just something you can’t run away from. My personal relationship have been rocky as well, I don’t know where I stand anymore and it is really pushing me down and I’m drowning. One minute I think I am on top and the next I’m way below, trying to swim my way to the top. I am an idiot for spending my money the way I do, ever since I turned 21 I just go out and not even think about it but last night Zach and I were talking and he said, “We spend too much money and we go out too much” and he was right, we go out all the time just to get a few drinks and food but it adds up and now I’m in a predicament where I’ve been using my credit card again and I just, ugh, I know I should be smarter with things such as this because I don’t want to spend my whole life in credit card debt when I’ll most likely be paying off my student loans forever. Now I need to give my mother more money too since she pays my car insurance each month but it is hard I work part time and I have a lot of bills for someone who only makes an insignificant amount of money each month. Don’t get me wrong though, I am thankful for my job, incredibly thankful but in the same breath, I need to find something full time to be able to live life and not be depressed by the fact that I am drowning in bills. I can’t work full time though while I’m in school full time, how would that even work? I work primarily during the week after class so there is no time in between or after for that matter that I could actually work a second job. I mean, maybe I could find something after 6 but then, how much would I really be making? Is it worth my time? I’m not quite sure. All I know is that I am just so sad, and so worried that I’m not enjoying my life. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I enjoy like spending time with my friends and family and my significant other but, at the end of the day I am dealing with all this shit and I just can’t seem to get on top of it and it has come to a point where I wake up and all I want to do is cry because I just can’t face the day because my debt and personal shit is just constantly taking space up in my mind and although all this sadness is my own damn fault it still sucks and I’m still just at rock bottom and I just don’t know if I can get up again. I’ve been here too many times to count and I’m sick of being here, I’m sick of putting myself here, when will I learn?