Coffee talk

I love the smell of coffee, for me it is such a calming scent or more of an awakening scent I guess you could say.  I need that today, I am so tired mentally.  The past two nights I’ve been having dreams about my boyfriend, the first night was that he left me for some other broad and last night he forgot everything that has transpired between us since our first encounter last Halloween.  Both were heart-breaking dreams and they’ve really shattered my perspective on shit and that sucks.

My subconscious is putting these dreams into my brain and I’ve been trying to figure out why.  I’ve been playing moments over and over in my brain and even reflecting on past relationships to see if I can understand the underlying motive to these dreams.  I think that whenever I feel true feelings for someone I run away or sabotage my own happiness because I am afraid.  I’m afraid of everything, especially heartbreak because it was heartbreak that destroyed me and put me in that dark place that I feel that my mind has these defense mechanisms that make me end my relationships or find reasons to fight and ruin a good thing because I would much rather destroy my relationship and leave on my own terms than be left because being left and rejected is one of the hardest things to cope with.  I know that is shallow and selfish of me to admit but I truly love my guy.  He is the first person ever that I have truly loved and been in love with.  It is scary, being in love and the idea of that person leaving you for someone else or because they don’t love you anymore can put these types of dreams in your head.

I think these dreams or nightmares rather, are coming up is because this is the time that I usually run, before I am in over my head but too late, I already am.  I can feel how much I love my boyfriend, how much I trust him and care for him and I think my mind, body, and soul are finally realizing that this is my person and that I can’t keep thinking that it is going to fall a part because all of my other relationships have.  Those relationships fell apart so me and my person could find each other.  Never have I been with someone who loves and cares for me as deeply as he does and I am so thankful for that, but I am also fearful of losing him.  I can’t keep thinking like that though, I need to just stop thinking that everything good in my life is going to fall apart and that some big disaster is going to ruin my relationship.

These dreams are telling me that I need to fight every damn day for my relationship and never become comfortable or complacent.  That I need to tell him I love him and how grateful I am to have his love in my life because when you stop doing those little things, that’s when the relationship isn’t as special or meaningful anymore and I intend to work as hard as I can to make him happy and myself happy because relationships are a partnership and I am lucky to have such an amazing partner to call mine.

A love like this

Have you ever met someone who just understands you completely? I have.

He is a pretty incredible human being, with all of my anxieties and unstable mind he accepts me, loves me, and just simply gets me and that is a beautiful thing.  I feel like I’ve waited my whole life to find someone like this, whether they were to be a lover or friend, I just wanted someone to look at me and see through me.  Although it was a scary thought, it has been such a rewarding thing to experience and have.

After my high school sweetheart earth shattering break up, I never thought I would find a love so strong ever again.  When I first met my current boyfriend, I didn’t expect my life or our relationship to lead me to where I am now.  I’m super thankful to have someone like that in my life, someone that lifts me up and not weigh me down.

We are going to the Cape this weekend and I was trying on bathing suits yesterday and many of you know I’ve been on a weight-loss journey for what seems like forever and have recently started Weight Watchers, so bathing suit shopping is not one of my favorite things to do. Anyways, I sent him pictures of different ones and some I felt great in and others made me feel like I should just wear a poncho and be done with it.  However, whether I liked how I looked or not, he supported me and told me how beautiful I was even if the bathing suit didn’t flatter me.  Although I wouldn’t have minded him being honest with me, it is nice to know that whether I am 120 pounds or 300, he will love me for me.

I am vowing myself that in this relationship I will be honest and true and never say, “nothing” if he asks me what is wrong.  In other relationships I wanted to be in control 100% of the time and it always led me to my downfall and especially the relationship’s downfall.  I refuse to sabotage my own happiness, especially one that makes me so happy and fills my heart with so much love and joy.

Saturday morning rambles

On my way home yesterday it was about six-thirty in the evening, and air was cool and crisp,it smelt like fall, that sort of damp mud that fumigates all the soccer fields this time of year and it made me feel comfortable, at home so to speak. Fall has always been my favorite season, I thought it was because that’s when my birthday is but it’s much more than that. All the activities, weather, and the way in which the sun rests on the foliage is what makes fall so beautiful, and enjoyable. Cool nights with sunny days, leaves falling, and cider drinking makes for an entertaining time of year and that moment on my way home yesterday made me appreciate the little things even more than I already do. That nostalgia of fall that comes at the end of each summer brings great happiness to me and also some sadness because summer is that time of year where school is out of session, the beach is packed, and chilling outside at a BBQ with an ice cold beer is what occupies many people’s weekends and vacations. However, the excitement of fall in my opinion, weighs out the sad ending of summer. 

I’ve been busy lately, last few days I’ve just worked, gone to the gym, sort of have a social life, and it feels like I just never stop and although sometimes that can be a good thing especially since I missed some work last week for being sick, it can be tiring. I can only imagine what my life is going to be like when school starts next week: school, work, gym and repeat and although those are all great things, I can see in the near future that I’m going to be a nana and take as much chill out time that I can on the weekends because I’m just going to be go go go Monday through Friday, and I’m okay with that. I don’t ALWAYS need something to do, just hanging by myself and having a Netflix binge sort of day is just as awesome, if not better than going out and doing something. I haven’t always been a homebody, I used to hate just sitting in my room and having nothing to do, being with friends 24/7 was something I did almost everyday, that’s how I lived my life for a long time and then, that 24/7 thing started early on with my relationships in high school and it drained me emotionally. That is why I vowed to myself that I will enjoy my alone time and the quiet each night, and when I do decide to be in a relationship again I’m going to take my time, and make sure I have time to myself often. I guess you could say I’m being a little selfish, but that’s okay by me, sometimes in life we have to be a little selfish. 

I want to take more photos, I want to find a really beautiful place that I can just sit on a blanket in the grass and take beautiful photos. Somewhere really green, and the air smells crisp and fresh, where the clouds are bright white and the sky is baby blue, that is what I want to capture with my camera. I got my nifty fifty but I’m scared to use it, I don’t want to screw it up or look like a fool but I’ll never know until I fool around with it I guess. I’m excited to take my photography class, even though I’ve heard that the professor can be questionable, I’ll make sure to be a pain in the ass and ask a lot of questions so I know that I am on top of the game, I am determined to get my 4.0 back this semester or maintain my 3.8 GPA, I’m pretty proud of myself for that, in high school I was always that 3.3 GPA student, not awful whatsoever, but not on top I was never in the higher percentage of my class because lets face it, I sucked at math, chemistry, and all the other logic brain classes that everyone else succeeded at, I excelled at writing, and history, because those classes interested me, but in college, I’ve done well for myself, proved that no amount of ADD can hold me back because I WILL rise above every obstacle and punch it in the face. Being a good student and making my family and myself proud is an accomplishment that can never be topped in my book. 

Speaking of book, I haven’t started my preliminary outline yet, I’m a bad girl. I’ve been meaning to do it but each time I sit down to start my brain is mush and the writers block begins, I think I’m just going to start by writing (physically writing) down my ideas for my novel, names I like, places that will influence the setting, and facts about each thing that can help me create an accurate description or story line. I’m excited for this, it definitely will take some time and I probably won’t ever have it published, but just to be able to sat, “I wrote a novel” would be pretty freaking cool if you ask me. 

I want to promote my blog I think too, not that I write great stuff on here besides my typical rambles but I know I have quite a few followers now (thanks guys!) that read my stuff usually every day, but I wouldn’t mind sharing these posts with other people. 

Well, I think this concludes my post for today, have to get back to the real world, till then my friends!