I’ve been at work for what it seems like all day. I’ve been asked questions I don’t have answers to, I’ve had to ask questions that make me look incompetent, and my boss is as aggravated with me as ever. I mean come on…obviously if I’m asking you a question it is so I don’t screw it up, wouldn’t you rather me ask than just wing it and then be even deeper in shit? I’ve had this anxious feeling all day…like a perpetual anxiety attack that I can’t shake. I have a stomach ache, dry mouth, and the shakes. I just don’t get it. I’m trying my hardest to learn my new responsibilities but it’s hard when you are scared to ask questions. I just want to go home and crawl into my bed and watch kid’s movies on Netflix. That always makes me feel better.
I’ve been loosely following this plan for a little over the week. I am no cook whatsoever and this plan has A LOT of recipes that I’ve never made before…I guess I get anxiety from cooking because I’m so afraid I’ll fail. My mother laughs at me because she doesn’t understand why cooking “frightens” me as much as it does. I think it has a lot to do with my laziness as well. I’d much rather a burger and fries ordered at the McDonald’s drive thru then take the time to cook, but then again I’d be facing days of inner turmoil because of THAT burger and fries. It is such an odd concept to think of cooking as a gateway to my anxiety.
Anyways, the plan is pretty outlined for the most part but I’m still stuck on what I’m supposed to do for workouts. They have their a.m. “Booty Call” where you can do 15-30 minutes of cardio then later on you are supposed to do (I’m guessing here..) one of their YouTube workout videos once or twice or maybe three times depending on the length of the video but I guess that is where I’m still fuzzy…if anyone follows this plan could you please shed some light on me and my confusion and anxiety of cooking…I’d GREATLY appreciate it! SOS
Not that I like Rihanna…but “Stay” is one of my favorite songs and a cover version by Shaun Reynolds feat. Laura Pring is fantastic and beautiful. This quote from the song (the title) is so significant to me, I feel that I’ve had this hole inside for what seems forever. When my heart got broken some time ago I feel as though it has never healed the right way. Food, depression, and low self esteem just seems to linger above my head. Don’t get me wrong, these issues were in my life long before my lost love but I just feel as though that, that one event has truly dismantled who I am. It has changed me entirely, it is hard for me to trust and It is almost impossible it seems to allow myself to be loved. It’s not easy to just live and let live yanno? My past has held me back from so much and still does. It is nights like tonight that I am so miserable with myself and where I am in life. I just don’t understand why I am never 100% happy. Some say that no one will ever be 100% happy but I can remember a time when I was. Being a child was pure happiness because you do not know the realities of life such as pain, love lost, or any financial burdens. For most people a childhood is wonderful fulfilling memories. I know some are not so lucky to have pleasurable flashbacks to their childhood but I can say that about my own. I wasn’t abused or neglected, I had/still have a loving family that supports me. I’m just too arrogant to realize that…I’m too arrogant to realize anyone who genuinely loves me. I tell my mother sometimes how I’d be so content with living in Alaska (one of my dream places to go) in a cabin by myself with no connections to the outside world besides a newspaper and a landline. I’d have a couple of dogs and I’d make friends with the town locals but I would find great happiness in sitting by a fire with a book and a cup of tea. I don’t need fancy items in my life or extravagant people. Sometimes though, it frightens me that the fact of me being alone doesn’t scare me like it used too. Shouldn’t I want a significant other or a friend there with me? I guess some nights I’d feel the emptiness in my cabin but I truly feel that being completely shut out would somehow allow myself to repair my broken heart, mind, and body. Whoever is reading this you are probably thinking I’m selfish, ignorant, and straight up crazy but I really do care for those who love me. I am not turning a cheek to those who have helped me through my almost twenty years of life. I have a loving girlfriend and friends and a great family but sometimes I feel that because I have so much support I’ve never had to truly rely on myself..when in reality all you have is yourself so why not be dependent on just you?
I knew today I was going to binge. I knew it at work, I knew it when I was serving customers, I knew I was going to stop at a grocery store on my way home…and I did it.
I bought a whole package of Chips A’Hoy Chewy Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip cookies and a bag of Cheddar Ruffles…they are gone.
I feel physically sick and mentally sick. The fact that my binge episode was premeditated and the fact I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. It makes me sick…I feel like I’m going throw up everyone…it is a good thing I can’t make myself throw up because I’d be bulimic by now…
Sometimes I wish I had anorexia…even though I know I have anorexic tendencies…I just think it would be easier for me. I’d still be obsessed with food but I’d have the willpower to say no. However, I do not have the luxury. I always say “yes” to food..it is a CONSTANT battle. I’ll never win. I’ll forever be a slave to binge eating disorder.
One week I’m on top of the world with healthy eating habits and healthy exercising habits but then it goes down the drain. I allow my binge eating disorder to destroy ALL of my good work.
Tomorrow needs to be better. SOS.
This post preaches my life.
When will I EVER be free of my binge eating disorder? For the past two hours all I’ve been picturing is me binging after work. I can’t stop thinking about it. Even with customers infront of me it is all I think about. If I don’t fulfill this need to binge I’ll have a panic attack and I won’t be able to sleep and when I DO finally sleep I’ll wake up thinking of binging again…I mean its a never ending cycle until the moment that I fulfill my need to binge. What can I do? I can’t beat it.
Today I lost my best friend, companion, baby boy. This dog was my life. I loved ever ounce of him. But I know he’s not in pain and that he’s running in the fields of heaven waiting to greet me and my family when it’s our turn to be taken to heaven. It’s not easy saying goodbye but I know it’s only see you later. I love you so much Po, you were such a good boy and you’ll always be my baby.
This is my “I haven’t binged yet today and hope not too face…” I guess you could say I’m “proud” of myself for not binging today but the night is still young…I’m going to try so so hard to not binge. I feel that I won’t and I’m pretty confident in that but I just get scared knowing that I could lose all self control…