Minor setbacks

Setbacks happen, especially when you are on a journey of self healing and discovery. This past month or so I have been deleting and re-downloading calorie counting apps. Each time my mind goes to “summer body” and “losing the pudge” I feel that I need to restrict in order to be happy with my body but, then after tracking maybe a few things I sort of snap out of it and remind myself that this isn’t the life that makes me happy.

Yesterday I made a mistake. I got on the scale and didn’t like what I saw at all. It surprised me because lately I have upped my fruits, veggies, and exercise and have been feeling great! I don’t know why I got on the scale this morning, something just pulled me toward it. When I saw 153lbs on the scale I just went numb. I felt disgusting, discouraged, and lost. What do I do now? I thought to myself, I don’t want to weigh this “much” and I sure as hell don’t want to weigh this much when I’m in a bathing suit. I hate summer.

That is a lie, I love summer and the weather it brings. I love being able to wear close to nothing and just relax outside under the sun and feel the cool breeze on my skin. Why did I let this stupid number bother me so much? Probably because it’s that time of year where weight loss is advertised everywhere as well as washboard abs. So, the majority of yesterday I was fighting the negative thoughts in my head, trying to overcome them with light and positivity but, the day just seemed to get worse.

When I was in the locker room later on that day at work I noticed two small purple stretch marks on my stomach and I just sighed and shook my head. Weight gain has been a fear that has plagued my mind for over a decade and seeing those stretch marks made my heart sink. How am I supposed to love and accept my body when I feel this way? How come some days I think I am the sexiest human being alive and on other days I just want to throw up because of my own reflection. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Body positivity and self love & acceptance is a constant battle because you have to think, you are fighting that negative voice in your head on a daily basis and sometimes, that voice wins and yesterday was one of those days.

It’s tough when the people who love you tell you are beautiful and because sometimes you just don’t see what they see. You see someone who is inadequate, fat, ugly, and unworthy of love staring back at you in the mirror. You don’t see the bright, lovely, beautiful, and strong person in that mirror but, we are all of those great things and so much more, that is what I am trying to remember and what I am telling myself because if I don’t, that little nagging voice will win indefinitely. So, I finished yesterday trying to see the beauty in myself and got my mind ready for the next day to come because all we can do is move forward and let go of the negativity.

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2 thoughts on “Minor setbacks

  1. Hi Jess. I don’t know if you are still blogging, but I just wanted to encourage you to keep going! I just listened to your podcast with Paige Smathers and was so impressed with the progress you made in following intuitive eating. You are clearly a very self-aware person and have come so far unlearning some of the toxic messages in our crazy world. I have done it all in terms of trying to change my slightly chubby body closer to the thin ideal. I just want to tell you that I keep coming back to intuitive eating and just taking a lighter touch to food and exercise in general is the only way to be happy. I cannot even count the number of times a scale number has thrown me off, sometimes for days. This is what our fat phobic culture, plus an ED will do. It makes us terrified of weight gain. I rarely weigh myself, and will sometimes ask myself: how will it make me feel if the number is higher today? Sometimes I am so confident and happy I know I can be pretty neutral about it. On days when I know it will hit me harder, I view it as a sign of self care to skip it (I don’t own a scale, but there is one in my gym).
    I would urge you to check out http://www.redefined.net by Lindsay and Lexie Kite (they also have a great Instagram account). I think they take the whole body positivity one step further and it was very helpful to me. Sure, it’s great to feel confident and beautiful. But the real confidence comes when you don’t see your appearance as that important or closely tied to your worth anymore. When you really feel like your personality and character are more impressive than your appearance, there is just less anxiety about it all. I have no idea what you look like, for instance. But from listening to your podcast I know that you are funny, smart, warm, open, genuine, and a great conversationalist. These traits are more durable than any physical characteristic. You are a lot more than what you look like. Anyway, just don’t get discouraged!

    1. Hi Beth,

      I’ve been MIA but, am now coming back and very happy about it! You words…wow, I am at a loss. They have filled me with so much light, love, and comfort thank you so very much. I’d love to start my own podcast but, do not know where to start. Paige is a wonderful woman whose podcast has been so helpful to me. I’m so honored that you took the time to listen to it and reach out to me! Thank you so very much again, for your kind words. It has been a long journey but, I am thankful for it. I agree that being light when it comes to food and exercise is truly the only way you can enjoy all aspects of health, wellness, and yummy food! Being strict and crazy can only lead to a downfall whether it be mentally, physically, or both! You are right though, that true confidence comes when you do not associate your physical appearance to your overall self worth and that my friend, is true beauty and true self love! Practicing self care is so essential too when on this self love and acceptance journey. I’ve also been enjoying the Being Careful podcast as well and I think you’d love it! Thank you also for the suggestion on Redefined, I’m going to check it out now! Thank you again Beth for your kind and warming words, it is people like you who make sharing my story worth it! Happy Holidays!

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