When reflecting on this past year, I originally thought of all of the negative things that transpired and the roller coaster of emotions that just seemed to constantly shift like the waves of the ocean. 2016 was not the hardest year for me but, it was still a difficult year, one filled with a lot internal struggles and I just couldn’t seem to get out of my own way.
I’ve realized recently that the past few years have fallen into this pattern of: crappy year, great year, crappy year, great year, and so on. For example:
2013 was a very tough year, one where I truly was in my depression and unknown anxiety that carried over into the first half of 2014.
The second half of 2014 was filled with self-discovery and exploration, travel, and new experiences. I went to Italy, picked up photography, and met Chris, my current boyfriend. Although 2014 started out quite rocky, I would say that it ended on a strong note.
2015 was incredible. I did some true healing, found a love for my body that I never thought I would find and rose above my eating disorder indefinitely. I would say that 2015 was the year of outer self-love for me. I also traveled a lot that year as well, I went to the cape for the first time, explored nearby towns and tried different things that brought a lot of happiness and fulfillment.
2016 however, was a different struggle, one that I didn’t come to terms with or even realize until December. Although I had truly worked on how I viewed and loved what was on the outside, I neglected what was happening on the inside. My spiritual mentor Madison Rosenberger, explained to me that our aura’s have levels, and how I started my healing journey was actually backwards. Your body is the last layer so, although I had greatly healed that part of me, I had also neglected the other outer layers such as my internal workings/emotions and overall spiritual awareness. Although I have always been a spiritual being, it wasn’t until the last few months of 2016 that I really started to dig. I found a love for essential oils, meditation, crystals, and yoga (again). Throughout 2016 I struggled with my anxiety that had manifested into something that I never expected. Driving gave (gives) me anxiety, interactions with people at work, leaving the house, being around people in general, and it just did not make sense. Out of nowhere I became an introvert with an outgoing personality because, although social interactions can make me anxious, that doesn’t stop me from talking with people and trying to be their best friend.
That is the problem. When I interact with people I try too hard. I want everyone to like me because I’m afraid of their judgment and rejection. When I say, “rejection” and “judgment” I’m not talking about the fear of what they think of my body but, what is on the inside. I’m afraid of what people think of who I am as a person and how I portray myself. This comes from a lack of love for myself.
This didn’t occur to me because I thought I had already dealt with that problem and I did, to some extent but, not fully. Not on an emotional or spiritual level and it took me all of 2016 to figure that out.
So, with 2017 here I’ve made plans and have taken the necessary steps to make this year my bitch. I started my spiritual mentorship with Madison, I see a therapist every week who is open minded and kind, and I’m slowly learning to be more present and not letting my anxious thoughts take me away on a boat of uncertainty and fear. This year I plan to incorporate more yoga, I’d even like to have a daily or at least every other day home practice, truly meditate with my beloved crystals, and most of all, feel my damn feelings. It is still so frustrating to me because like I said, I thought I had done all of this and on some level I did but, I cannot forget the progress I’ve made and the obstacles I have overcome. This is just another journey that will dig even deeper than just what is on the outside. 2016 might not have been my best year but, there were a lot of wonderful parts to that year as well. I learned a lot and experienced enough to know that 2017 is going to be my best year yet. This is the year where my spiritual awakening is going to take off running and I will not allow fear or anxiety to stand in my way.
Goodbye 2016, thank you for the memories and the lessons. I can’t say I will miss you but, I sure as hell will never forget you.