Feel good talks

I’m feeling good today. Although it’s raining and gloomy here in Boston, I feel all the way around good. Some days I feel like this and others I am lower than the ground but it is days like today that I am thankful and hopeful. It is not easy dealing with depression and anxiety, or really any mental illness for that matter. I know for me that I find it difficult to get my mind quiet and on the same playing level as the rest of my mind, body, and soul. Some days my body wants to run but my mind wants to life, but my soul wants to do yoga. I sometimes feel like I am never in sync with myself but today I feel very grounded and I think it is because I’ve incorporated more yoga into my week. I find that I do it almost five days a week whether it is for 5 minutes or thirty minutes. I’ve always loved yoga and have practiced it, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve truly practiced often.

I’m going to the Cape with my love and his family next week and I can’t wait. I’m definitely going to do some yoga on the beach and make sure I get some activity every day whether it be walking the beach, kayaking, walking around town or whatever. I refuse to let vacations of any kind ruin my progress or weight loss journey. Lately I’ve just been feeling so down about myself and uncomfortable in my skin. My clothes don’t fit the way I want them too, my weight is climbing and it has been discouraging to say the least but I’ve gotten back on track. I’m packing my meals, tracking my food, drinking loads of water and tea, and challenging my body in the gym or at my home and it has been nice.

My midnight snacking though is what kills me. I eat out of boredom and if there is Netflix in front of me, I want a snack. So now, I’m TRYING to have more healthier snacks and although I am doing that, I just eat too much so NOW I need to focus on portion control and drinking more water because honestly, I would be at my ideal weight by now if it weren’t for my snacking and that sucks. It sucks to know that you get in your own way, but I vow to do my best to stay on the straight and narrow.

I know that my posts sometimes do not make sense or they turn into me rambling about different things, but I really appreciate those who take the time to read about my silly life, it means a lot to me.

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I get by with a little help from my friends…

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Meet my friend Jer. In Italy I met some incredible people and he is one of them hands down. I’ve been struggling since I’ve been home in terms of readjusting and realizing that I won’t be around the same people anymore and that my life is going to be different. I haven’t really come to terms with the fact that my life is in fact, going to be different than it was before I left for my trip.

Who I am now is much different than the Jess before Italy, I don’t really know what to make of it to be honest, but I’m lucky to have such great friends that I’ve made. This morning I had a rough time, I woke up in tears because I miss my friends and I miss the lifestyle of Italy and being in the most beautiful country in the world. I was so used to having my own apartment and going to the grocery store on my own and cooking, actually being a grown up appealed to me, but Jer helped me realize that I am lucky to be home, and that this is a new chapter in my life and that I need to take every chance I can to better my life experiences and myself. I can’t fathom the idea of not having these incredible people in my life. Thank you Italy for showing me how incredible life can be.

My goals now are to get back on track with exercise and a healthy diet regimen along with picking up photography, I may not be great but I’ve learned some from Jer and I find that I really enjoy expressing myself through pictures. I also re-registered for the fall semester and am taking Painting I, Intro to Digital Photography, Intro to Philosophy, and Practical Logic, I am so excited to see what I learn and where my artistic abilities can go with these different classes. This whole soul searching thing has really benefited me and I’m happy that I am now really finding myself and going with the flow rather than stressing about the next day and the day after that, seize the day my friends.

No Motivation

I find it frustrating how up and down my motivation is. I guess that is normal and many people can relate to that idea but lately I’ve been slacking in terms of going to the gym and when I do go I’ll do some cardio for a half an hour and get tired and leave. That is SO not like me AT ALL. I am that person who wants to push and get pushed in a workout. I think because I’m dealing with getting ready for my trip I’ve been exhausted, literally, I’m so tired and all out of my wits. I’m barely eating during the day and then when I get home Lexi and I go out or whatever. I mean, in the big scheme of things I’m not putting on weight at all because I’m doing this but it is SO unhealthy! I usually LOVE waking up hungry and making something to eat but lately it is like I’m not hungry until it is six o’clock at night and even then it is a struggle.

I seriously think it is stress and anxiety that is making me not hungry at all and unmotivated because I’m not eating as much my energy is super low. I hate it, I absolutely hate living this way, so unhealthy! I know this all too that is the sad thing, I know that I should be eating more often and not waiting till the end of the day because that is where the binge monster lives, the binge monster likes to come out and play at that time because it knows that it can scare me and win.

I need to find a solution to my problem.

Comfortable and Confident

So, update: I’ve lost five pounds in about two weeks! I’m pretty excited because I haven’t been killing myself at the gym or not eating yummy food! I’ve been counting macros which has totally changed my perception on food and moderation. With my binge eating disorder I have always just saw food as the enemy and that if I have a cookie I just can’t have one because my binge eating takes over and I end up eating all of them.

This isn’t the case anymore. Now that I have started to count macros I see the beauty in flexibility and being able to control what I eat in a healthy way. Yesterday I had Mcdonalds and protein peanut butter donuts that I made like, in what world can you eat that and still lose weight?! Well, MyFitnessPal told me that if I eat the way I did yesterday, I will be ten pounds lighter in five weeks. Well, that was enough for me to be convinced that counting macros is my heaven. The fact that I can eat “healthy”, eat “shitty”, exercise, and enjoy the process while seeing results is making me one happy girl.

I’m learning how to count macros and when and how to get my protein in because that is what I’m finding to be troublesome because I’m such a carb whore that it is hard to find things that fit for my protein without over-loading my carbs! I’ve been indulging in Quest Bars and Cellucor Peanut butter Marsh-mellow Protein Powder, that stuff is the bomb! I use one scoop of that, some unsweetened vanilla almond milk, and a squirt of sugar free chocolate syrup and it is delicious!

I’m going to start updating on more of my weight loss because I just feel so good about this and I want to tell the world!

Motivation 101

Lately I’ve been on the motivation roller coaster that we all know too well. One day we are motivated to the point where we never think it will end and other days we are so down we believe there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I used to be that person who would stand in front of the mirror and cry because I was so unhappy with my appearance. Depression, my binge eating disorder, and my mood disorder used to control my self esteem and for forever it seemed that I would always hate how I looked and who I was.

Recently I had that sort of episode, I had a pity party for one and just cried because I said to myself, “I can’t believe I gained this weight, I can’t believe how I threw away all my progress…etc.” I was so upset and beside myself that I stuffed my face with food because that is all I knew. So, yes, I relapsed in reference to my binge eating disorder but I have risen from that. Although I haven’t binged since, I have been making very poor food choices and very minimal exercise.

My motivation now is my trip to Italy. I mean, that is what is was before but to be honest in my mind I was telling myself, “YOU NEED TO LOSE THIRTY POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS FOR YOUR TRIP LETS GO!” Even though I was “motivated” I was setting goals way too out of reach for myself. I want to lose weight before I go yes, but I don’t want to set unrealistic goals. If I lose ten, fifteen, twenty pounds, that is awesome but I am not telling myself that I HAVE to lose that weight. But I am telling myself now that I am GOING to lose weight, I am GOING to lose THAT weight in time. I do not intend on staying at my current weight which is about 153-155lbs. I haven’t weighed myself in a week because I know that I’ve been sloppy with my food choices but, I know that I need to do this for me. I need to lose this weight for not only my mentality but also for my health.

So here are my tips for myself and others to keep on track:

1) CLEAN YOUR ROOM! I know this is silly but if your room is clean and organized, you are in a better mindset a more positive one. After I write this post I am going to clean my room from top to bottom!

2) Don’t eat in front of the TV. This is so hard for me because that is all I do, but if you refrain from doing that you won’t be mindlessly eating and you will eat your portion not any more.

3) Track what you are eating whether it is with MyFitnessPal, FatSecret, or a journal, you should hold yourself accountable with what is going into your body and what exercise you are doing.

4) Exercise at least three days a week whether it is cardio, lifting weights, or walking your dog. Find something that is challenging, fun, and will torch calories! I like to checking out Self Magazine and Women’s Health Magazine’s websites, you can find SO many resources!

5) Don’t deprive yourself, if you love sweets, find something sweeter that can substitute your non healthy sweet!

 

Friend me on MyFitnessPal if you want and check out my food diary it is public (Username: PalmTreex) and I am on there every day posting, putting in my food, and being active on the community because that leads me to the sixth tip:

6) If you are on a social media type of weight loss community (i.e. MyFitnessPal) get involved on the message boards, make friends, and join the groups on there for motivation and guidance if you are new to losing weight! You can also have your own blog on there!

You can do anything you put your mind to, we all know that but it is easier said then done but we can do this!

 

Whole30 failure, not really a failure but a realization.

Hey all,

As you all know I’ve been doing the Whole30 this past week. I failed miserably but I do not look at myself as a failure or that I failed. It was a trial with some error and I just figured out that Paleo wasn’t for me. Figuring out what works best for you takes time, sure, I’m a little dissappointed because I’ve heard of great results from it but, I’m not going to put all of my eggs in one basket. Howevever, in my opinon when it comes to losing weight, you need to keep track of what you eat. I am not a fan of counting calories but I am a somewhat fan of counting macronutrients (carbohydrates, protein, and fat).

For awhile I was against counting anything, probably because I wasn’t educated much on it. However, I’ve been reading and learning and I knew that for me anyway I have to count SOMETHING in order to keep myself and eating in check. I knew that calories was out of the question primarily because it can be obsessive, especially for someone who has an eating disorder. For weight loss or fat loss, your protein should NOT be 1g per body weight! That is typically used for bulking or maintaing. For weight loss/fat loss it should be .8g per body weight so for me, (I am not a registered dietician or fitness professional, this information is from my own research and knowledge) I’m 153lbs my protein intake should be 120g per day. I get this through lean meats, protein powders, peanut butter in moderation, and light cheese sticks which also help with my fat intake.

On a reflective note, because I felt restricted and out of control (not like WOAHHHH out of control but like, I couldn’t choose what I wanted to eat or, I couldn’t eat a light cheese stick or a rice cake if I wanted because it was a grain or dairy) but anyways, I threw my hands up the other night at Friendly’s because I was hungry, just got out of a workout, and felt restricted so I got loaded waffles fries, mini cheesebruger sliders, mozzarella sticks, (create your own munchie mania always gets me, damn you Friendly’s Resturants!), and a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Friendz. It was all so delicious and it filled my belly but I paid for it and still am. So, I took a step back and restarted my Whole30, then yesterday I piged out on chocolate chips, peanut butter, and potato chips because I felt like I was restricting myself.

This is why I cannot follow meal plans, or strict guidelines or a fad diet. I need to be in charge of what goes in and out of my mouth because that creates triggering feelings in referene to my eating disorder if I don’t contrust my own meal plans and guidelines. Call me a control freak but making your own success makes it all worth it. I’m not ashamed that I didn’t finish the Whole30, I learned a lot in terms of good foods, bad foods, and everything in between. I take it as a learning experience and it just reassured me that a Paleo lifestyle isn’t for me and that is okay! I’m still going to train hard, eat good, and feel good because I know I’m doing what is best for me.

Whole30 Day One

First day on the Whole30 was not too bad. The beginning of the day was solid but towards the end I was craving chips and sweets so I had an apple with almond butter and that seemed to cool my jets. I also lifted and cleaned my room today so I was pretty active!

I definitely need to find more Whole30 friendly snacks because that’s going to be my issue. I love food so eating this basic is definitely tough for me but I’m going to push through!