Photography, the studio, what happens next?

Hello my lovely readers,

Many of you have been following me since I started my blog back in 2013 and thank you. You have seen the highs and lows and the obstacles I’ve faced throughout the years. You have seen me fall in love, get my heart broken, and pick myself back up again, thank you.

Many of you leave comments of encouragement and have helped me in my darkest hours, thank you. You are all so supportive, words cannot describe the gratitude I have for you readers and my blog.

Back in 2014 when I was in Florence, Italy I discovered my love for photography. When I got home and started using my DSLR I was hooked. I took pictures of everything and I just wanted to learn and explore. Having that camera signified my life changing experiences in Italy and the possibility of all the new adventures I would go on whether they be international or in my own backyard. I learned different editing techniques in Lightroom and really started to flourish.

Fast forward to April 2015 when I got my art studio. What a monumental experience it was when I got the keys to my own little space of creativity. I was excited, nervous, and wasn’t sure what to expect what having an art studio would be like. I worked part time so I knew I would have the time but, shortly after getting my studio about three weeks later, I started working full time. The drive to my work is about an hour each way and I usually don’t get home till the evening, this made it harder for me to get to the studio as it is about thirty minutes away from where I live.

Not only was I not going during the week but not on the weekends either. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t motivated to go whatsoever even with having weekends off. When putting together my studio I started really digging into the business side of photography such as pricing and services and I started to feel overwhelmed.

So, I stopped going, still paying a bit of money every month for a place that I never went to. A place that was supposed to be a creative outlook for me but yet gave me anxiety. I couldn’t understand until literally yesterday at my therapy session why this was so. What it boiled down to was this: I thought it was expected of me to have this flourishing photography business, a successful business model where the money would be pouring in from my art. That I was supposed to be this artist who promoted my artwork and soon I found that I didn’t enjoy taking pictures or painting anymore. I felt like I had to fit in with the community of artists where my studio is (there are five floors of art studios with so many artists, it is quite inspiring!). I didn’t/don’t want this for myself. I did my time in retail and sales, and I hated it. I hate trying to sell sell sell when in reality, I just want to be passionate about my art, enjoy it, and have it help me heal.  I put this negative stigma on the studio because I felt that all of these outrageous things were expected from me when in reality they weren’t. It was my anxiety putting this doubt in my head, the fear of failure or disappointment. I also realized that there are no standards when it comes to art and that I can’t compare my art or talent to someone else’s because that would be outrageous.

So, I am going to make my studio a positive and healing place. A place that I can create beautiful art and enjoy my surroundings. No more anxiety, no more expectations, and no more business. Yes, that is right, I deleted my photography website, changed my FB page to “just for fun” rather than “professional services” because photography is a love and passion of mine and I don’t want that to change and I know that the minute it becomes a business, the enjoyment of it will disappear and put me back to where I was. I still have every intention of sharing my photos on my photography page on FB and what not, but I’m just not promoting a business because that doesn’t make me happy. The photography business world is not what makes me happy, and I need to do what has to be done to make myself happy and comfortable.

I feel really good about all of this, thank you all again for always supporting me.

As the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer

When I think about winter I think about how dark, cold, and snowy it gets. How the days get shorter and the nights seem to take control of our lives for a while. Many people such as myself take on a seasonal depression, feeling trapped inside and never really enjoying the outside because of how frigid it can be. I’m trying to have a new outlook on winter this year though. Rather than seeing myself as trapped I’m going to take this winter and transform myself mentally and physically.

Mentally I am going to focus on really being in tune with my thoughts and feelings, writing more and coloring in my anxiety books, and really focusing on understanding who I am. I feel like for so long I have neglected the fact that I don’t fully understand my mental health or what has brought me to this point in my life. My anxiety has never been this bad up until this year I would say. This past year I have realized just how crippling my anxiety is and how my panic attacks really and truly affect myself and the ones I love. I am hoping that through writing, coloring, and meditating that I can really go within myself and start to dissect my past and finally let go and move on.

Physically I am going to exercise and fuel my body. Not only will working out better my mindset and release those much needed endorphins, but it’ll help me continue to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve come a long way from the young woman who used to restrict food and over exercise and I am happy to say that I love who and what I am now and now that I do, I am ready to really take care of my body. When the summer comes, I will strip away the wintery layers and show what I’ve accomplished and I cannot wait to reflect on all that I’ve learned about myself.

Loving yourself and committing to self-healing isn’t easy. Some days I don’t want to deal with my emotions and some days I really think that my jeans make me look fat, but I am human. Sometimes we forget that we won’t always have a positive outlook and that the little voice in our heads will get us down from time to time but, what matters is getting back up and continuing the fight to being a healthier and happier person.

I have learned so much since I started this blog back in 2013. When I first started here on WordPress I was a miserable human being. Drowning in my own depression and letting my eating disorder and body dysmorphia rule my life. Some days I still feel like that young girl just trying to find her way but, I know better and I am better. We constantly grow as human beings, always learning from what we do or don’t do, and becoming wiser as the years pass and it’s a beautiful thing to look back and see how we have flourished. Lately I’ve been pretty down and out, but when I look back and see the road I’ve walked on, I know that no matter what comes my way I’ll do the best that I can and learn what I can.