This morning was not a good morning for me. I had a binging episode and was debating whether or not to post on here what I binged on. Oh, and my Mom heard me opening and closing the cabinets so when I brought it up to her later on she sighed and said, “I know honey, I’m sorry…I heard the cabinets and I figured that’s what was going on.”
I didn’t know whether or not to be embarrassed or relieved that I didn’t have to hide my addiction from her. Although my mother has known for a long time about my eating disorder we don’t normally touch upon it, and if we do she gives the best advice she can. It’s hard for me to explain to her that food is MY addiction just how cigarettes are HER addiction. When I put it into that sort of light for her she understands, but
sometimes no, all the time I feel alone in my eating disorder/addiction. It is hard to grasp the fact that eating can be an addiction in the first place.
However, I turned my day around…after moping for about three hours I decided to make my day somewhat productive. I vacuumed and dusted my room and put the final touches on my desk. Following my room I FINALLY after six months cleaned out my trunk of clothes, bags, and sand…from the beach. I feel that since I was productive in the rest of my day I made it worth it to not mope on the couch. I look back at how I was feeling earlier and how it is so PATHETIC that I let myself get to that point. Why do I get into that dark place where I hate myself so much that I let my addiction of food take over? It just makes me worse after so what is the point in the first place? I’ll tell you. Food is not only my comfort but my binges have become habit…such as smoking cigarettes for my mother. It comes to a point where I can’t live without my binges. By figuring this out I have purchased “Brain Over Binge” it is a self help book which gives you insight on how to quit the binging habit….I’ll let you know how it is when I’m actually done with it.
So, while writing this I’ve decided to list all of the things I ate during my binge today…I’ve never done this before and I am BEYOND embarrassed right now but I know that to move forward I have to punch my addiction in the face…here goes nothing.
– Pizza (2 slices)
– Cereal (1 big bowl)
– Brownie (2)
– Nilla Waffers (too many to count..)
– Peanut Butter (Oh, I’m sorry did you want any peanut butter? Oh…that half of container is gone…my bad..)
To be honest after I wrote this down I looked at it…felt sick…felt awful…and wanted to cry a little but I’m also relieved that I let it out and held myself accountable for it…it really makes me see how much I am hurting myself with these emotional/habitual episodes of binging. I’d like to start a binge challenge for myself and anyone else who wants to join…every day that I am binge free I’m going to make a blog post about it…it may not be a long post but it is just a reminder to myself that I CAN be binge free.
Thanks to all of you who respond to my posts and truly share this struggle with me and keep pushing me, you are all fantastic.