A Better Ending….

This morning was not a good morning for me. I had a binging episode and was debating whether or not to post on here what I binged on. Oh, and my Mom heard me opening and closing the cabinets so when I brought it up to her later on she sighed and said, “I know honey, I’m sorry…I heard the cabinets and I figured that’s what was going on.”

I didn’t know whether or not to be embarrassed or relieved that I didn’t have to hide my addiction from her. Although my mother has known for a long time about my eating disorder we don’t normally touch upon it, and if we do she gives the best advice she can. It’s hard for me to explain to her that food is MY addiction just how cigarettes are HER addiction. When I put it into that sort of light for her she understands, but sometimes no, all the time I feel alone in my eating disorder/addiction. It is hard to grasp the fact that eating can be an addiction in the first place.

However, I turned my day around…after moping for about three hours I decided to make my day somewhat productive. I vacuumed and dusted my room and put the final touches on my desk. Following my room I FINALLY after six months cleaned out my trunk of clothes, bags, and sand…from the beach. I feel that since I was productive in the rest of my day I made it worth it to not mope on the couch. I look back at how I was feeling earlier and how it is so PATHETIC that I let myself get to that point. Why do I get into that dark place where I hate myself so much that I let my addiction of food take over? It just makes me worse after so what is the point in the first place? I’ll tell you. Food is not only my comfort but my binges have become habit…such as smoking cigarettes for my mother. It comes to a point where I can’t live without my binges. By figuring this out I have purchased “Brain Over Binge” it is a self help book which gives you insight on how to quit the binging habit….I’ll let you know how it is when I’m actually done with it.

So, while writing this I’ve decided to list all of the things I ate during my binge today…I’ve never done this before and I am BEYOND embarrassed right now but I know that to move forward I have to punch my addiction in the face…here goes nothing.

– Pizza (2 slices)

– Cereal (1 big  bowl)

– Brownie (2)

– Nilla Waffers (too many to count..)

– Peanut Butter (Oh, I’m sorry did you want any peanut butter? Oh…that half of container is gone…my bad..)

To be honest after I wrote this down I looked at it…felt sick…felt awful…and wanted to cry a little but I’m also relieved that I let it out and held myself accountable for it…it really makes me see how much I am hurting myself with these emotional/habitual episodes of binging. I’d like to start a binge challenge for myself and anyone else who wants to join…every day that I am binge free I’m going to make a blog post about it…it may not be a long post but it is just a reminder to myself that I CAN be binge free.

Thanks to all of you who respond to my posts and truly share this struggle with me and keep pushing me, you are all fantastic.

 

I Feel Sick

I feel sick and over stuffed…I had a binge episode today…and I feel disappointed.

Reasons I binged today:
1. Stressed about money, work, time, my body.
2. Bored and had nothing to do.
3. Overwhelmed by food and my addiction with food.
4. I fed my addiction…

What to do to change my addiction?

Break the habit.

Addiction

When you have an addiction to something you quit or try to right? Well, what do you do when you have an addiction to food? You can’t quit eating or you’d die. But what do you do when every time you eat you feel so much despair? Or when you eat you feel so damn fat and disgusting?

I don’t only binge but I have no self control when there is good in front of me or no willpower to choose a healthier option. I’m seriously at my wits end.

That Awkward Moment…

That moment when a video is taken of you, not out of spite but, when you see it you see how truly enormous you are and how people view you….then you start to really wonder if you’ll ever lose this extra weight and if it is even worth it to try. You are so unhappy with the way you look that even though you go to therapy and you are truly working on loving yourself you can’t help but wish you could wake up skinny. I guess I don’t want to be skinny but rather fit but even then I’m miserable. Oh, what an awkward moment.

Day Surgery Today

Today is my girlfriends day surgery for her hand and I haven’t eaten anything yet but were having fun just chit chatting and just comforting her because I know how freaked she is but it’ll be fine and its a good thing I took this week off because now I can be nurse Jess.

Dreams of the Past

I keep having these reoccurring dreams of this past love. Sometimes we’re driving, sometimes we’re talking, and sometimes we don’t say anything at all.

I don’t know why this person keeps coming back to be this rendezvous wasn’t extravagant or well developed but it was someone who understood me and helped me but they left me broken with all these mixed thoughts.

Dreams are supposed to be up lofting right? Besides nightmares of course but why do these solemn dreams keep haunting me.

Why do I keep seeing their face almost every night when I sleep? They are not the same as they were when we were once together, but maybe I’m holding out for a change? Maybe friendship? Tough to say because I’m so unsure as to yet again, why I keep dreaming of them.

“Well Hello, Social Anxiety…nice to meet you?”

Throughout my life I’ve always been worried that people are judging me. Being bullied I was judged…my weight was judged…my hair was judged…me as a person was judged.

That was over five years ago and I’m almost twenty years old…I shouldn’t be worried what people think right? I shouldn’t assumed that people are looking at me in a negative light right? wrong.

Big parties or groups of people that I don’t know I tend to feel VERY over-whelmed and almost have a panic attack because I feel like I’m the “fat” girl or the “ugly” girl. But, when I’m with my own friends and in my comfort zone I am VERY confident and content. I feel as if I should impress everyone and anyone when in reality I shouldn’t care.

I wish I didn’t…but I do.

I am PETRIFIED of pretty girls and good looking guys because I feel as if they’ll look at me and bully me or judge me because that’s all I’ve ever know..I don’t know how to over come this. I know I should be more confident in who I am and what I have to offer but I feel as if it’s my body that I am ashamed of. I mean, I know I don’t look AWFUL in a bathing suit and I have nice features but I know that you see yourself differently than what other people see.

When I look in the mirror I typically see someone who needs to lose a couple extra pounds and someone who is unhealthy.

Then, people I know say I have such a fit body and how I look so awesome but I am still nervous and almost “ashamed”.

It is so sad that I feel this way and I wish I didn’t. I work on it every day and I know I’ll over come it just right now is not that time…

It’s All Gone…

My hair is gone! Shaved and faux hawked for my pleasure! I feel so free.