Happy Monday – Finals Week

Good morning Readers,

Happy Monday, let the week of finals, no sleep, and stress begin. I’ve been bad this semester, unmotivated, depressed, and just in a funk that has probably affected my grades greatly. I’m worried that my actions may leave me in a troubled spot, but this week I’m going to do the best that I can and that is all I can do. If I fail then it is a learning lesson to grow from, nothing is the end of the world, everything has its own lesson to teach. I’ve owned my mistakes and faults this semester, I didn’t care, at all and that isn’t me. I let my own laziness and sadness prevent me from working hard. My ADD makes it tough for me to focus and stay on track and that problem became evident during this Spring semester. I don’t want to go back on Adderoll, it makes me jumpy, not hungry, and a little fuzzy when I come down from the medicine and I hate it. I would much rather a more natural method if I can find one.

On another note, I’ve been doing well with moving and eating. Yesterday Zach and I went on a 2.5 mile nature walk at a local state park and it was so refreshing. I really love walking especially when it is beautiful out and the scenery is so welcoming. I’ve been religiously using my Fitbit Flex, hitting all of my goals including steps, water intake, active minutes, and all that good stuff. I drank almost 100 fl oz of water yesterday and I’m pretty proud of that. I get out of work at 1:30 today and before I dive into my homework and papers, I think I’ll go for a quick jog to just refocus and get my blood going because sometimes I get tired after working the morning shift but I need to stay on track.

On a personal note, I’ve been seeing someone for the past couple of months and he is perfect. I’m pretty lucky to be with someone who is so supportive and loving. I almost feel inadequate because he is so genuine, and not that I’m not, I just am not used to such an easy going relationship I feel like I don’t deserve him or the relationship itself. We don’t see each other every day or text non stop but when we are together it is all smiles and laughs. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone and I am so thankful to have him in my life.

This week is going to be hectic but I pray to God that I can make this all work and if not, then I know that I owned my mistakes and to do better next time.

Another day goes by

Do you ever get stuck in that same routine day in and day out? Wake up, school/work, gym, homework/other duties, go to bed and repeat. It is exhausting and discouraging at the same time. You lose yourself when you get into ruts like that, and that is where I am at ladies and gents.

It has been some time since I’ve blogged here, why you may ask? Well, Tumblr has taken over my blogging life because the activity is constant and the pictures are awesome, you can find me by my username if you wish to follow me (jaeybird). Although I love Tumblr, WordPress will always be my first love. I find that on here I can just write, and we all know that is something I love to do.

As I was saying, I find that when the winter comes and we are strapped to our homes and other obligations, life seems to just pass us by with no excitement or adventure. I am all about adventures and to be home bound most of my free time is really putting a damper on my mentality. Thankfully spring has arrived even though here in New England it doesn’t seem that way just yet. I am hopeful that with the nicer weather I will be able to just pick up my camera and explore once again. Or take my workouts outside on the trails and just enjoy the nature around me. I think that is where I find myself, being outside surrounded by grass, blue skies, and sunshine. Being able to ground myself and remind myself of how lucky I am for the life I live is essential and lately I haven’t been able to grasp that. I’ve been rundown, always tired and content and I’m sick of feeling that way. I refuse to continue this mindset.

Brain fried

Since school started last week I’ve literally been brain fried. I’ve been forgetting stupid things or showing up to work a half an hour early, just a mindless zombie I guess. I’m exhausted by 9pm, I honestly went to bed last night at about 9:30pm and woke up at 7:30am this morning feeling pretty rested but taking a three hour painting class then running to work just wears me out. I would like to go to the gym, get back into a routine like that but by the end of the day I’m too damn tired. I think I’m going to start waking my ass up at 7am on the days I have photography class because that way I get to the gym by 7:30 work out till maybe 8:45, get home for 9-9:10 lets say and then shower, and run to class…that might be cutting it close though, so I should probably get up at 6:30am. Ugh, although I am lucky, I usually get weekends off, this whole busy ass Mon-Fri schedule is killing me, I feel like I am a part of the Walking Dead, minus all the rotting skin and lack of common sense. Yesterday I had off, I lounged around, put off homework till 7 at night and didn’t clean my room like my mother had asked me…oops, that is the task of the night tonight along with more homework, yay. I feel sluggish, like maybe I need a tune up or an extra kick in the ass to get moving, but at the same time I am thankful for my busy life because I feel like if it wasn’t busy, I would go nuts and want to rip all of my hair out and probably end up on the couch stuffing my face with food while watching Dr. Phil.

Some stuff has been going on in my head too, just mixed feelings and my heart is just all over the place, I know it sounds dramatic but I’m a writer and dramatic is what I do. I feel like my emotions are suffocating me, like I’m drowning in love, anger, sadness, and happiness all at the same time if that even makes sense. I know that everything happens for a reason and that it will all workout they way it is supposed to, but the anticipation, the not knowing is what drains me. I am hopeful that as time goes on and I settle into my new schedule and when all this emotional crap figures itself out, I’ll finally find some sort of peace.

Saturday morning rambles

On my way home yesterday it was about six-thirty in the evening, and air was cool and crisp,it smelt like fall, that sort of damp mud that fumigates all the soccer fields this time of year and it made me feel comfortable, at home so to speak. Fall has always been my favorite season, I thought it was because that’s when my birthday is but it’s much more than that. All the activities, weather, and the way in which the sun rests on the foliage is what makes fall so beautiful, and enjoyable. Cool nights with sunny days, leaves falling, and cider drinking makes for an entertaining time of year and that moment on my way home yesterday made me appreciate the little things even more than I already do. That nostalgia of fall that comes at the end of each summer brings great happiness to me and also some sadness because summer is that time of year where school is out of session, the beach is packed, and chilling outside at a BBQ with an ice cold beer is what occupies many people’s weekends and vacations. However, the excitement of fall in my opinion, weighs out the sad ending of summer. 

I’ve been busy lately, last few days I’ve just worked, gone to the gym, sort of have a social life, and it feels like I just never stop and although sometimes that can be a good thing especially since I missed some work last week for being sick, it can be tiring. I can only imagine what my life is going to be like when school starts next week: school, work, gym and repeat and although those are all great things, I can see in the near future that I’m going to be a nana and take as much chill out time that I can on the weekends because I’m just going to be go go go Monday through Friday, and I’m okay with that. I don’t ALWAYS need something to do, just hanging by myself and having a Netflix binge sort of day is just as awesome, if not better than going out and doing something. I haven’t always been a homebody, I used to hate just sitting in my room and having nothing to do, being with friends 24/7 was something I did almost everyday, that’s how I lived my life for a long time and then, that 24/7 thing started early on with my relationships in high school and it drained me emotionally. That is why I vowed to myself that I will enjoy my alone time and the quiet each night, and when I do decide to be in a relationship again I’m going to take my time, and make sure I have time to myself often. I guess you could say I’m being a little selfish, but that’s okay by me, sometimes in life we have to be a little selfish. 

I want to take more photos, I want to find a really beautiful place that I can just sit on a blanket in the grass and take beautiful photos. Somewhere really green, and the air smells crisp and fresh, where the clouds are bright white and the sky is baby blue, that is what I want to capture with my camera. I got my nifty fifty but I’m scared to use it, I don’t want to screw it up or look like a fool but I’ll never know until I fool around with it I guess. I’m excited to take my photography class, even though I’ve heard that the professor can be questionable, I’ll make sure to be a pain in the ass and ask a lot of questions so I know that I am on top of the game, I am determined to get my 4.0 back this semester or maintain my 3.8 GPA, I’m pretty proud of myself for that, in high school I was always that 3.3 GPA student, not awful whatsoever, but not on top I was never in the higher percentage of my class because lets face it, I sucked at math, chemistry, and all the other logic brain classes that everyone else succeeded at, I excelled at writing, and history, because those classes interested me, but in college, I’ve done well for myself, proved that no amount of ADD can hold me back because I WILL rise above every obstacle and punch it in the face. Being a good student and making my family and myself proud is an accomplishment that can never be topped in my book. 

Speaking of book, I haven’t started my preliminary outline yet, I’m a bad girl. I’ve been meaning to do it but each time I sit down to start my brain is mush and the writers block begins, I think I’m just going to start by writing (physically writing) down my ideas for my novel, names I like, places that will influence the setting, and facts about each thing that can help me create an accurate description or story line. I’m excited for this, it definitely will take some time and I probably won’t ever have it published, but just to be able to sat, “I wrote a novel” would be pretty freaking cool if you ask me. 

I want to promote my blog I think too, not that I write great stuff on here besides my typical rambles but I know I have quite a few followers now (thanks guys!) that read my stuff usually every day, but I wouldn’t mind sharing these posts with other people. 

Well, I think this concludes my post for today, have to get back to the real world, till then my friends! 

Johnny Cash

I’m sitting here at work listening to my Johnny Cash Pandora station and just reflecting on life. I have many plans and goals ahead of me, ones that I need to stick to and make damn sure that I don’t fall off track. I have to save a great deal of money while also paying my numerous bills, I know there will be times where I will say this isn’t worth it, or I just want those damn workout pants that are on sale online, but I know that if I stay consistent with my goals and budget, I’ll be able to go on another trip to another beautiful place, I’ll pay down my credit card debt, and I’ll lose weight because I won’t be eating out as much or spending my money on stupid junk food. 

Life has really changed me, I like the person I am, truly. Each day I reflect on where I’ve been in life and how fortunate I am to have the life that I do. I am truly happy and motivated to do great things and explore this world around me. I am also grateful to have such great friends, last night, Tarah helped me budget and set up how much I need to save each month (which is a lot…) in order to go to Ecuador next summer and although I’m going to be stressed and upset at some points during this mental journey, I’ll develop better spending habits, and achieve an awesome task of actually paying for this trip in full, all by myself with my OWN money. Although I am MORE than grateful for my parents taking out a loan for my trip to Italy, being able to pay for Ecuador myself will definitely be a self esteem booster and something I can look back on and say yeah…I did that all on my own. Granted, I haven’t had the best record with spending and especially credit cards, but I am confident that I can do this, I just need to remind myself of the end result which is exploring and traveling, and doing what I love. 

I love Johnny Cash, his music always grounds me and brings me back to a good place in my mind, his music is so soothing and raw, especially his newer songs and covers that are known in the American albums, Desperado, Hurt, and I Don’t Hurt Anymore are some of my most favorite covers/songs that he released, so full of emotion, I’m thankful that I enjoy classic music artists such as him. 

Is the semester over yet?

I feel like this semester has been dragging on the past two weeks. I’m exhausted all the time, skipping class, and not going all together. When I wake up, or try to rather, I just feel that I haven’t slept at all when I probably had a healthy range of sleep. It is really frustrating how tired I’ve been…I don’t know if it is because I get seasonal depression, or if I’m just ready to be rejuvenated with the coming of winter break. 

I’m also broke thanks to Christmas and my compulsive shopping problem. In the past two months I’ve racked up about thirteen hundred dollars. It is ridiculous, embarrassing, and stressful. I don’t know how to deal or help a shopping problem, it is tearing me a part and my wallet.

The end of the semester brings a shit ton of work and headaches and not to mention, stress acne. Lots and lots of stress acne. I just wanted to lay in my bed and watch Netflix all day. 

I feel like I’ve been slacking at work too. I work from home with my mom as an admin assistant and I do like my job but I feel like I slack and don’t do the best I can, yanno? It’s like this time of the year I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to snuggle by my electric fire and watch Christmas movies. I’m such a pain in my own ass.

 

‘Tis the season.

“Hello, Beautiful People”

Hey all! Sorry I’ve been MIA for these past few weeks. I’ve been dealing with more than I can ever imagine. I’ve been really taking some personal time for myself to figure out what I need to do to make sure that I stay on this happy and positive track that I’ve been on.

Therapy with Nicole has been spectacular, my mindset for school has been on point and my relationships with my girlfriend, friends and family have been exceptional. 

So, I’m here today asking my loving followers and possible new comers what their opinion is on this…what would you think if I did vlog posts about my weight loss and mental journey? I’ve been seeing how vlogging can really show transformation not only on the outside but inside as well.

I’m taking the necessary steps slowly but surely, to live a healthy and happy life and I want to share it all with you! I’m still going to writing my poetry and venting via text posts but I was wondering if anyone would like to see vlogs?

 

Hope all is well, I’m so happy Fall is finally coming as well! xox