2.1.16

Hello all, how are you? Happy February 1st, 2016.

I haven’t posted in awhile, I guess I’ve been MIA in a lot of aspects of my life especially my blog, probably because I have no idea what to do with it.

My blog has changed a lot over the past few years since I’ve had it and I’ve always wanted to have one focus whether it be fitness, body positivity, minimalism, yoga, or Buddhism, but, to be completely honest, I have no desire to have one focus when it comes to my blog.

If you are one of my loyal readers then you know I like to change my mind a lot and go through many different phases and interests. It is hard having ADD because, you find yourself being bogged down by different trends in society whether they be positive or negative and, having a blog means sharing those thoughts and ideas and as you know, I have many.

Going forward I am no longer going to tie my blog down to one specific topic. If I choose to write about x, y ,or z or all three then I will because that is my choice. Ever since starting my Intuitive Eating/mindfulness journey I have found that my life has changed in more ways than just my eating habits. I am doing things that make me feel fulfilled and happy whether it be reading, eating pizza, watching a documentary, or taking a walk outside. Practicing mindfulness has been a huge tool in my recovery when it comes to my eating disorder and dealing with my anxiety and depression.

I am so much more happier. Everything in my life just seems brighter and makes more sense. Ever since I let go of trying to please others and stopped following trends to find myself, everything seems to have fallen into place. Although new things arise each day, week, month and year, life is directing me and I am allowing it to guide me. You can’t predict the future and to waste your time and energy on trying to do so, you’re just going to bring yourself down. This is the most important lesson I have learned in my 22 years of life.

I’m glad to be back here blogging. Writing is such an important outlet for me and I’ve been really neglecting it. I still want to write a novel – one I’ve been planing to start for years but, I just can’t find that spark or idea to start it all. I’ve written down many story line ideas and none of them click. I feel like I have this roadblock in front of me and I just don’t see how to get past it.

I want to be passionate about writing again but, I am so impatient. It is hard for me to just write a little, put it down, then start it again the next day. I want it done right there and then and obviously, that could NEVER happen unless I took a week off of work and locked myself in my room but, I can’t do that to myself.

I guess this is where practicing mindfulness comes in and patience as a whole. I’ve been being more mindful of when I am not patient and it is becoming more clear that I have very little but, I’m working on it and that’s what counts. I am hopeful that I can start brainstorming again while practicing patience when it comes to my writing.

That is pretty much it. Not sure how to conclude this blog post but, I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this.

Goodbye old habits

Today I am erasing my MyFitnessPal app. Since my senior year of high school I’ve had this app. We’ve laughed, cried, rejoiced, and shamed ourselves together. I’ve achieved much with this app, but I’ve also lost something important, myself. 

Since getting on this dieting mindset in high school I’ve been consumed with counting calories and “losing this weight” for what seems like forever. I’m done with feeling tied down by a stupid app. By stupid numbers. YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY A NUMBER. You don’t need to count calories or restrict yourself to lose weight. 

Taking care of your body and nourishing your mind and spirit is all you need. I’ve been reading books on intuitive eating and I’m ready to get back in tune with myself. Although yes, counting calories helped me lose twenty pounds, but it also warped my brain into this idea that in order to lose weight I have to restrict and deprive myself of good food and life itself! 

I don’t want to have a mini panic attack when someone asks me to go out to eat. I don’t want to have to go on the restaurants website and find a calorie appropriate meal. I want to live my life and enjoy every minute of it. So, today I am deleting the app, and I vow to never count a single calorie ever again. Believe me, I know it’s going to be hard. There are going to be days that I want to download the app back but I’m ready to make this change and work on getting in tune with myself again. 

I’m going to post later of day one of I titobe eating or perhaps tomorrow once I complete a full day. I want to share this journey with all of you so stay tuned! 

You and yourself

 I feel like lately I’ve been focusing on what everyone else is doing. Three months ago I started my fitness IG. I followed so many inspirational people and really posted often on what I was up to with my fitness journey and what not. 
After awhile I noticed how obsessive I was becoming with posting to my fitness fitfam and how I wanted to workout exactly the way tee individuals were so I could look like them. I hated these workouts. I’m not someone who likes routines. I’m definitely not someone who enjoys doing the same sort of thing at the gym all the time either. It’s a constant struggle between myself and I. I want to be a weight lifter, a yogi, a runner, or a lazy shit who does nothing. I don’t think I could ever classify as one or other besides yogi because that is something I religiously practice. 

Why did I care so much what these people thought of me? Why did I want to conform and become these people when my journey is my own. You can’t be anyone Vito itself is what I came to realize. This journey whether it be to lose weight, better your life, or just try something new, it’s YOUR journey not anyone you follow on Instagram. So, the other day I said goodbye to my fitfam and deleted my fitness IG handle and since then I’ve felt better. I want this wellness journey to be what I want it to be. If I want to lift some weights, awesome! If I want to run my ass off on the treadmill, sweet! If I want to downward facing dog till I pass out, terrific! That’s the beauty of this life that we live, we can mold it and ourselves to be exactly how we want it to be. 

Blah is the emotion of the day

I really hate when the day drags. Where it just feels like every minute is ten minutes passing by. It’s not that I’m not busy, it’s just I feel so tired and…yeah, tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Some days I feel so alive, bright, and happy. Other days I feel so blah, dismal, and frustrated with the world. People driving piss me off, people around me piss me off, hell, even I piss myself off. It’s just today is one of those days that I’m just over it. Like Bye Felicia I’m done with you. 

Lately I’ve just been feeling so lost especially in regards to my health and fitness goals. Just sort of working out and tracking my food but not really enjoying it, you know what I mean? I feel discourage and unorganized and that’s two things that I hate feeling. Being unorganized and discouraged means I don’t have control. But having control 24/7 isn’t healthy and that’s a thing I’ve been working on, not having control. 

I know I just need to let go and take a deep breath. That things will work out when they are meant to work out but, I’m seriously ready for today to be over. At least I get to see my man and get ice cream, ice cream makes everything better, am I right? 

Jess goes gluten free: day 2

Merry Christmas Eve readers!

Today is day two of me being without gluten in my diet. I went back to the grocery store and picked up a few more things like fruits and veggies along with some gluten free snacks. I’ve been feeling pretty good so far I guess, I know that it takes at least a month for gluten to leave your body. I can’t get over how expensive gluten free crap is. I was looking at pizzas because pizza is my favorite food ever and they were literally $8-$12, like damn, I’m not going to pay THAT for a damn pizza. I think what I’m going to do when I have a free chunk of time I’m going to make a gluten free cookbook of simple and healthy recipes I can do that are tasty and obviously beneficial to my health.

Tonight I will be going to my grandmother’s house and I’m a little nervous about the food and whether or not I’ll be able to eat anything but I’m sure I can make something work. I’ve been eating throughout the day so if there isn’t a whole lot I can eat at least I won’t be starving. I made these AWESOME gluten free french fries with garlic powder and a bit of salt and dang, those were so delicious even more so than McDonalds and I love me some Mickey-Ds. I also went out to breakfast with my friend Jesenia and asked the waitress if their hash and home fries were gluten free and they were, score! I’m hopeful that I’m not going to become discouraged and go back to eating gluten. If making this change truly helps me I would be a fool not to at least give it a try for awhile to know for sure.

I’m really excitied to see where this goes and if it really helps witth my mental and physical health. I see bright things for 2015, I see a healthy and happy life filled with positivity.

Why now?

Why am I feeling all of this now, shouldn’t this have come months ago? Why did I mask these emotions with anger and stubbornness, why didn’t I just look at the situation for what is was and made it better. Why didn’t I just accept how I was feeling and fix it, rather than lock it up in Pandora’s box, because it is here, I am feeling, and it won’t stop. I guess you could say this is my karma, it is finally here and I don’t know what to do, I have no idea how to deal with these feelings, I’m pissed, empty, and broken, I thought I was okay, I thought that everything was going to be fine, but it is evident that it’s not. I know I can move on from this and be okay because in some retrospect I am, I am still happy and motivated, but there is something missing, and I’m not quite sure what it is. I need to learn to deal with my feelings better and learn to not mask them with other rash emotions. I’m sick of everyone, literally everyone, I just want to be alone for awhile, and collect myself. 

So much self doubt today

I’m literally going out of my mind today. Work is so slow, leaving me to constantly think about all the things I’ve done wrong, or how I’m going to fall short in anything I try to do. I know that is dramatic, I’m a dramatic person, everything feels like the world is going to end or I’m going to die because I have a headache, I’ve never been a subtle person. I’m thinking a lot about the past two months and how happy I’ve been, I’ve also started to dig deep into feelings that I’ve sort of been putting on the side lines or replaced with a different emotion. I’m dealing with things that I’ve sort of dealt with but haven’t really until recently and that has been bringing me down most definitely. I sometimes regret the things I’ve said and done recently, most people have regrets but I try not to live in the past because that’s what it is, the past. I’ve hurt people, people I cared for greatly, and still care for, I’ve been selfish, but I also did what I had to do to better myself, to find myself, and for that I’m not sorry.

I’m getting nervous too about my photography, I see all these great pictures from some amateur and freelance photographers and I just shake my head, wondering if I’ll ever be good enough, but then I remember something wise that Tarah said to me the other day, “Don’t judge your beginning by somebody else’s middle”, those were some wise words, and that is something I need to start reminding myself. All photographers whether they are professional, or amateur all start at the same point, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m really hard on myself, I always have been, I start something and I usually don’t finish it because I tell myself that it isn’t good enough or that it is horrible, although I like to think of myself as a positive person, I am my own worst enemy and critic, I think that is something I really want to start working on, learning to let myself love the process of learning and doing and not giving up so quickly because it is hard or there are people out there with more experience than me because I know I can do well, I just need to apply myself and keep a positive mind. 

Sunday realizations & rambles

I can’t believe it is already Sunday, another week has passed and school is inching closer and closer. I’m pissed, my digital imaging class got cancelled and I can’t fill it online for some reason so I’m going to have to physically go to my school tomorrow to register for another one. I was really looking forward to learning how to use photoshop, and now there is really NO classes that fill my schedule so this should be interesting, but still keeping a positive outlook and hoping for the best!

Anyways, today I’m not really sure what I’m going to do..I need to clean my room for sure, possibly go to the gym because I didn’t go all week that I was sick, and I told Tarah I would possibly go to Maine with her for a cookout but I’m not sure what I want to do, I don’t know any of these people that are going to be at this party and I still don’t feel super hot, in fact my stomach feels horrible, but I don’t want to be bored all day…the dilemma.

I was bad and forgot to take my antibiotics for a day and I slacked with only one dosage yesterday and it has caught up with me, I’m definitely not feeling so hot again and that is my own damn fault, but I own it, and I’ll be more aware about taking care of my body.

Rambling again, pardon my ADD. I want to take pictures, go somewhere beautiful and relax but I don’t know where to go or who to go with, I just want to surround myself with the Sunday breeze in a calm setting. The last few days I’ve felt disconnected, like wandering lost in a limbo, between reality and my own perception of life and I just feel like I’m floating and, “It’s hard to keep my soul on the ground” (Garden Grove, Sublime) literally feel like I can’t just strap myself down and shake myself out of this weird funk, this happens sometimes, I float so high and when I start to float down I’m not really sure how to handle it but I’m learning, slowly but surely.

I’m feeling spiritual today, not so much on a Catholic level, but a more nature and open minded level of spirituality. I’m currently listening to a “Restorative Yoga” playlist on spotify, I miss yoga, I miss the burning insense that would fill the studio, and the way in which I felt when the instructor would dim the lights down and I would just breathe in the positive energy, but yoga is just too damn expensive these days. This music is so soothing though, no lyrics, just beautiful music and my oolong chai tea, this morning is perfect. Nothing beats great tea, great music, and writing in my opinion, it is perfect way to start my day, I really should make this a habit because it does make me so happy.

A lot of things make me happy I’ve noticed lately. The fact that my life has turned upside down the last two months is something that still suprises me, I’m someone completely different and it makes me genuinely happy. I live for me and no one else, that is something I’ve never done before and it feels great. I’ve met some incredible people, Tarah for instance has become a huge part of my life, she has helped me a lot to break out of my shell and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that, she is my best friend. Zach, we briefly knew each other throughout school but now we’ve become good friends, he supports me and encourages me to stay true to me and that is something that makes me very happy and thankful for. Jerick introduced me to my love for photography, without him I wouldn’t have found my somewhat natural talent for it or at least my intense admiration for the art. Me, without my open mind and strength, I wouldn’t be where I am today period. There were some dark moments in my life, I struggled with an eating disorder, intense depression, poor self esteem, and loneliness. I couldn’t bare the thought of being alone, now though, I enjoy it, and find peace in my time alone. Today, I still deal with my depression but in a much more healthier way because that will always be a part of me, but the biggest aspect of my transformation that I admire is the love I have for myself. I love waking up each day and going with the flow, I love finding the beauty in life and the world around me, and I strive each day to be the best person I can be. When I think of who I was two years ago all I see is sadness, pain, and darkness, it is crazy to think that I was in such a place. Although it makes me sad, it also makes me feel empowered because I was the one who grew from that, granted, it took a long time, a very long time, but I made it and here I am to live another day and to share my positivity because change can happen, living a better life can happen, and I want to inspire others, I want to help others, that is what I’m meant to do.