New Year’s Resolutions 

We all know this time of year very well. People start thinking of resolutions or goal for the new year to come.

For many, this goal is usually to lose weight. Gyms will start having their sign on specials, health websites will start having sales on supplement stacks, and fitness clothes will be all the new rage.

As for me, this has been my New Year’s Resolution as long as I can remember especially after a holiday season filled with so much food and pictures. Pictures that you see yourself in and think, “I just need to lose x amount of weight and I will be where I want to be, that picture is my motivation.”

I am going to tell you guys something very real about me. This morning, I went on Facebook and saw that my Mom had posted pictures from yesterday and saw myself in one. Mind you, I was wearing jeggings, an oversized sweater, and my hair was kind of messy (I sort of like it that way) but, when I looked at this photo I instantly thought, “I need to lose weight this coming year, I just can’t stand looking at myself in this picture.” After that thought had come and gone, I felt very disappointed in myself. Lately I have been working so hard on breaking away from “losing weight” mentality but, through this journey I have put my health on the back burner. Disclaimer: I do believe when breaking free from the dieting world it is essential to just let go and relax. If that means eating less nutritionally dense foods and skipping the gym, that is 100% okay! Some people need to do this to recover and this is what I did. However, due to this neglect when it came to my health these past few months, I have been extremely bloated and swollen due to the fact that I haven’t been getting hardly any fiber whatsoever and have really slacked on eating fruits and vegetables. I also haven’t been sweating out any of the toxins going into my body from eating some of these not-so nutritionally dense foods which at the time was okay (and still is of course!) but, I want to treat my body better.

So, here they are, my goals for 2016.

  • Eat more fiber: I need to get my digestive system back on track with proper health because I have Celiac Disease and if by chance I eat gluten, I need a healthy digestive system to help me get rid of it.
  • Sweat more: I don’t mean as in, “to count calories burned, etc..” but, so I can treat my body with respect and feel better mentally and physically, in the hopes that I can sleep better and wake up feeling more refreshed.
  • Do more yoga: I have been upping my yoga game a lot lately. I try to aim to do it at least two times a week but I would like to get to the 4-5 days a week seeing as the results have been incredible both mentally and physically and it has brought me so much happiness and peace.
  • Forgive myself more: You are your own worst critic in all aspects of life, especially if you are an ex-dieter you know this all too well. This year I really want to work on letting things go and not being so hard on myself all of the time. I need to remember that I am not a perfect human being because things happen, life throws obstacles in your way, and what counts is working to get past them, not beat yourself up about it.
  • Practice mindfulness: This is a huge goal of mine (also: none of these are in particular order) I am always rushing through life whether it be eating, driving, exploring, writing, and so many other things. I forget to appreciate the different sensations and my surroundings and I miss out. I want to see the world for what it is, I want to live in the present because the past is the past and the future hasn’t come yet.
  • Read more: This is my last goal but, I want to read more. Lately I have been making the effort to pick up a book rather than my Apple TV remote but, I want this effort to be much more significant in the new year.

It would be wrong of me to lie to you and say that losing weight didn’t cross my mind, of course it did! I’m an ex-dieter trying to find her way on this journey of self love and body acceptance but, I do want to treat my mind and body right because this is the only body I’ve got. I am happy that I have some goals not related to health because I find that this is an important step in diet recovery. When you have goals solely focused on health, it could appear that maybe subliminally your goals reflect the subconscious idea of losing weight and although those are not my intentions, I think it is important to point this out for those in diet recovery  trying to think of resolutions/goals for the new year.

When it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, don’t think too much on it. Close your eyes, envision yourself lets say…six months from now, where do you want to be? What goals could get you to the point? And choose those as your goals. For example, by practicing mindfulness, by six months I hope to not eat so quickly and truly enjoy my food, and to also drive slower seeing as I have a very long commute to work I always tend to drive like a maniac and I would like to slow the pace down and enjoy the views even if it is snow. Having an image of what you want your life to be can really help when choosing these resolutions. Meditate on it, I promise that with some stillness and relaxation, these goals will come to you.

Monday again

Alright, since I haven’t posted since last week here is an update of the last few days. 

Over the weekend I ate pretty intuitively but I find that I am more in tuned with my body and hunger cues when it’s not the weekend and when I’m not sitting in front of a television. It’s hard because I’m a midnight snacker and eating distracted prevents you from being in tune with your body so, going forward I am not eating in my room unless it’s portion sized and not an endless back of Veggie Straws because damn, I love those things so much! 

As far as my veggie like I was doing great until last night when we ordered Gluten Free pizza I wanted meat on one side for my boyfriend and the other without. Well, either I messed up the order or the pizza place did because there was so much meat everywhere since it was Philly cheesesteak so, needless to say my veggie morals were sort of out the window on that meal but overall I feel much better and have more energy. 

I even feel slimmer since deleting my calorie counting app. Not being consumed by a number and calories has really helped my mind relax and I’m picking healthy choices on my own which is so nice. 

My Misfit app for my Misfit Shine has an option to take pictures of your food to keep track without counting calories so I’m going to give that a try too just to see my consumption of goodies. 

I feel good and ready to really buckle down and get motivated for school which is starting next Monday, yikes! 

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend. 

Blah is the emotion of the day

I really hate when the day drags. Where it just feels like every minute is ten minutes passing by. It’s not that I’m not busy, it’s just I feel so tired and…yeah, tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Some days I feel so alive, bright, and happy. Other days I feel so blah, dismal, and frustrated with the world. People driving piss me off, people around me piss me off, hell, even I piss myself off. It’s just today is one of those days that I’m just over it. Like Bye Felicia I’m done with you. 

Lately I’ve just been feeling so lost especially in regards to my health and fitness goals. Just sort of working out and tracking my food but not really enjoying it, you know what I mean? I feel discourage and unorganized and that’s two things that I hate feeling. Being unorganized and discouraged means I don’t have control. But having control 24/7 isn’t healthy and that’s a thing I’ve been working on, not having control. 

I know I just need to let go and take a deep breath. That things will work out when they are meant to work out but, I’m seriously ready for today to be over. At least I get to see my man and get ice cream, ice cream makes everything better, am I right? 

So much self doubt today

I’m literally going out of my mind today. Work is so slow, leaving me to constantly think about all the things I’ve done wrong, or how I’m going to fall short in anything I try to do. I know that is dramatic, I’m a dramatic person, everything feels like the world is going to end or I’m going to die because I have a headache, I’ve never been a subtle person. I’m thinking a lot about the past two months and how happy I’ve been, I’ve also started to dig deep into feelings that I’ve sort of been putting on the side lines or replaced with a different emotion. I’m dealing with things that I’ve sort of dealt with but haven’t really until recently and that has been bringing me down most definitely. I sometimes regret the things I’ve said and done recently, most people have regrets but I try not to live in the past because that’s what it is, the past. I’ve hurt people, people I cared for greatly, and still care for, I’ve been selfish, but I also did what I had to do to better myself, to find myself, and for that I’m not sorry.

I’m getting nervous too about my photography, I see all these great pictures from some amateur and freelance photographers and I just shake my head, wondering if I’ll ever be good enough, but then I remember something wise that Tarah said to me the other day, “Don’t judge your beginning by somebody else’s middle”, those were some wise words, and that is something I need to start reminding myself. All photographers whether they are professional, or amateur all start at the same point, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m really hard on myself, I always have been, I start something and I usually don’t finish it because I tell myself that it isn’t good enough or that it is horrible, although I like to think of myself as a positive person, I am my own worst enemy and critic, I think that is something I really want to start working on, learning to let myself love the process of learning and doing and not giving up so quickly because it is hard or there are people out there with more experience than me because I know I can do well, I just need to apply myself and keep a positive mind. 

When life gets in the way

I feel that a lot of people say that “Life got in the way, that is why we haven’t spoke in a long time” or “Life prevented me from doing this or that” people just never take the fall for their own actions so it seems. I’ve used life as an excuse and sure, it is easy to blame our own faults on such a beautiful, timeless, and natural occurrence. It is as if we take our lives for granted, we don’t appreciated what it has to offer anymore and it is sad to think that as humans, we take advantage of the beauties that life gives us each day. I don’t like to preach because I have found that people tend to get annoyed when I remind them to be grateful for the simplicity in their life because there are those people in this world who can’t even do that because of poverty, government control, or inequality, along with other countless reasons. Why dwell on the little things that upset us? Why blame life for all of the misfortunes in our life when we are the ones who have the power to decide how we react to every situation. Life, is an opportunity to make something great of ourselves, why not take those necessary steps by realizing that we can’t control everything, nor should we. Being in control all the time is hard and is too much work, why not let life take the reins and just sit back, relax, and smile because you are alive, don’t use life as an excuse for bad behavior or obstacles that you are too afraid to face, man up, take the bull by the horns, and cut the bullshit.

 

 

Sunday realizations & rambles

I can’t believe it is already Sunday, another week has passed and school is inching closer and closer. I’m pissed, my digital imaging class got cancelled and I can’t fill it online for some reason so I’m going to have to physically go to my school tomorrow to register for another one. I was really looking forward to learning how to use photoshop, and now there is really NO classes that fill my schedule so this should be interesting, but still keeping a positive outlook and hoping for the best!

Anyways, today I’m not really sure what I’m going to do..I need to clean my room for sure, possibly go to the gym because I didn’t go all week that I was sick, and I told Tarah I would possibly go to Maine with her for a cookout but I’m not sure what I want to do, I don’t know any of these people that are going to be at this party and I still don’t feel super hot, in fact my stomach feels horrible, but I don’t want to be bored all day…the dilemma.

I was bad and forgot to take my antibiotics for a day and I slacked with only one dosage yesterday and it has caught up with me, I’m definitely not feeling so hot again and that is my own damn fault, but I own it, and I’ll be more aware about taking care of my body.

Rambling again, pardon my ADD. I want to take pictures, go somewhere beautiful and relax but I don’t know where to go or who to go with, I just want to surround myself with the Sunday breeze in a calm setting. The last few days I’ve felt disconnected, like wandering lost in a limbo, between reality and my own perception of life and I just feel like I’m floating and, “It’s hard to keep my soul on the ground” (Garden Grove, Sublime) literally feel like I can’t just strap myself down and shake myself out of this weird funk, this happens sometimes, I float so high and when I start to float down I’m not really sure how to handle it but I’m learning, slowly but surely.

I’m feeling spiritual today, not so much on a Catholic level, but a more nature and open minded level of spirituality. I’m currently listening to a “Restorative Yoga” playlist on spotify, I miss yoga, I miss the burning insense that would fill the studio, and the way in which I felt when the instructor would dim the lights down and I would just breathe in the positive energy, but yoga is just too damn expensive these days. This music is so soothing though, no lyrics, just beautiful music and my oolong chai tea, this morning is perfect. Nothing beats great tea, great music, and writing in my opinion, it is perfect way to start my day, I really should make this a habit because it does make me so happy.

A lot of things make me happy I’ve noticed lately. The fact that my life has turned upside down the last two months is something that still suprises me, I’m someone completely different and it makes me genuinely happy. I live for me and no one else, that is something I’ve never done before and it feels great. I’ve met some incredible people, Tarah for instance has become a huge part of my life, she has helped me a lot to break out of my shell and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that, she is my best friend. Zach, we briefly knew each other throughout school but now we’ve become good friends, he supports me and encourages me to stay true to me and that is something that makes me very happy and thankful for. Jerick introduced me to my love for photography, without him I wouldn’t have found my somewhat natural talent for it or at least my intense admiration for the art. Me, without my open mind and strength, I wouldn’t be where I am today period. There were some dark moments in my life, I struggled with an eating disorder, intense depression, poor self esteem, and loneliness. I couldn’t bare the thought of being alone, now though, I enjoy it, and find peace in my time alone. Today, I still deal with my depression but in a much more healthier way because that will always be a part of me, but the biggest aspect of my transformation that I admire is the love I have for myself. I love waking up each day and going with the flow, I love finding the beauty in life and the world around me, and I strive each day to be the best person I can be. When I think of who I was two years ago all I see is sadness, pain, and darkness, it is crazy to think that I was in such a place. Although it makes me sad, it also makes me feel empowered because I was the one who grew from that, granted, it took a long time, a very long time, but I made it and here I am to live another day and to share my positivity because change can happen, living a better life can happen, and I want to inspire others, I want to help others, that is what I’m meant to do.