No Motivation

I find it frustrating how up and down my motivation is. I guess that is normal and many people can relate to that idea but lately I’ve been slacking in terms of going to the gym and when I do go I’ll do some cardio for a half an hour and get tired and leave. That is SO not like me AT ALL. I am that person who wants to push and get pushed in a workout. I think because I’m dealing with getting ready for my trip I’ve been exhausted, literally, I’m so tired and all out of my wits. I’m barely eating during the day and then when I get home Lexi and I go out or whatever. I mean, in the big scheme of things I’m not putting on weight at all because I’m doing this but it is SO unhealthy! I usually LOVE waking up hungry and making something to eat but lately it is like I’m not hungry until it is six o’clock at night and even then it is a struggle.

I seriously think it is stress and anxiety that is making me not hungry at all and unmotivated because I’m not eating as much my energy is super low. I hate it, I absolutely hate living this way, so unhealthy! I know this all too that is the sad thing, I know that I should be eating more often and not waiting till the end of the day because that is where the binge monster lives, the binge monster likes to come out and play at that time because it knows that it can scare me and win.

I need to find a solution to my problem.

Advertisements

Comfortable and Confident

So, update: I’ve lost five pounds in about two weeks! I’m pretty excited because I haven’t been killing myself at the gym or not eating yummy food! I’ve been counting macros which has totally changed my perception on food and moderation. With my binge eating disorder I have always just saw food as the enemy and that if I have a cookie I just can’t have one because my binge eating takes over and I end up eating all of them.

This isn’t the case anymore. Now that I have started to count macros I see the beauty in flexibility and being able to control what I eat in a healthy way. Yesterday I had Mcdonalds and protein peanut butter donuts that I made like, in what world can you eat that and still lose weight?! Well, MyFitnessPal told me that if I eat the way I did yesterday, I will be ten pounds lighter in five weeks. Well, that was enough for me to be convinced that counting macros is my heaven. The fact that I can eat “healthy”, eat “shitty”, exercise, and enjoy the process while seeing results is making me one happy girl.

I’m learning how to count macros and when and how to get my protein in because that is what I’m finding to be troublesome because I’m such a carb whore that it is hard to find things that fit for my protein without over-loading my carbs! I’ve been indulging in Quest Bars and Cellucor Peanut butter Marsh-mellow Protein Powder, that stuff is the bomb! I use one scoop of that, some unsweetened vanilla almond milk, and a squirt of sugar free chocolate syrup and it is delicious!

I’m going to start updating on more of my weight loss because I just feel so good about this and I want to tell the world!

Life is like a roller coaster

Hey all,

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a little. Lots of things have been happening like, my temp contract not getting renewed at work, Lexi is on vacation so this week I’m finishing up my last week at my job, writing a research paper on the Watergate Scandal, and doing a whole bunch of stuff before the end of the semester.

My diet hasn’t been too great. I mean, I’ve been slacking in terms of tracking, but recently I reflected back on the macros that Krissy Mae Cagney gave to me a few months ago (my weight hasn’t changed much so they are still the same) and also am starting herĀ  “Intro to Weightlifting” program (I’ve had it for some time but haven’t started it), even though I know my way around the gym in terms of equiptment, exercises, and form knowledge, I just never know how to pair muscle groups together and all that technical hooplah.

I’m really excited because it is four days a week and I can add in my cardio anytime I wish to. I think I’m going to start doing cardio on the row machine to really burn some fat! Today I REALLY hit my macros (so far!) and I even got to eat one of my favorite things, a strawberry frosted donut! It is really awesome to read Krissy’s flexible dieting ebook because she really shows you that you don’t need to restrict yourself and look at food as the enemy, but more so being mindful of everything you put into your body. I’ve never been keen on moderation because with my BED I never knew what that was, but hopefully I can train myself to love all food, keep it in moderation, and still implement healthier foods and exercise!

Keeping motivation and being dilligent is so hard, especially when you deal with an eating disorder barking at you all the time. I WILL survive, I always have, but I will beat ED, I will beat the voice in my head that is my eating disorder and I will show it whose the boss.

Whole30 failure, not really a failure but a realization.

Hey all,

As you all know I’ve been doing the Whole30 this past week. I failed miserably but I do not look at myself as a failure or that I failed. It was a trial with some error and I just figured out that Paleo wasn’t for me. Figuring out what works best for you takes time, sure, I’m a little dissappointed because I’ve heard of great results from it but, I’m not going to put all of my eggs in one basket. Howevever, in my opinon when it comes to losing weight, you need to keep track of what you eat. I am not a fan of counting calories but I am a somewhat fan of counting macronutrients (carbohydrates, protein, and fat).

For awhile I was against counting anything, probably because I wasn’t educated much on it. However, I’ve been reading and learning and I knew that for me anyway I have to count SOMETHING in order to keep myself and eating in check. I knew that calories was out of the question primarily because it can be obsessive, especially for someone who has an eating disorder. For weight loss or fat loss, your protein should NOT be 1g per body weight! That is typically used for bulking or maintaing. For weight loss/fat loss it should be .8g per body weight so for me, (I am not a registered dietician or fitness professional, this information is from my own research and knowledge) I’m 153lbs my protein intake should be 120g per day. I get this through lean meats, protein powders, peanut butter in moderation, and light cheese sticks which also help with my fat intake.

On a reflective note, because I felt restricted and out of control (not like WOAHHHH out of control but like, I couldn’t choose what I wanted to eat or, I couldn’t eat a light cheese stick or a rice cake if I wanted because it was a grain or dairy) but anyways, I threw my hands up the other night at Friendly’s because I was hungry, just got out of a workout, and felt restricted so I got loaded waffles fries, mini cheesebruger sliders, mozzarella sticks, (create your own munchie mania always gets me, damn you Friendly’s Resturants!), and a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Friendz. It was all so delicious and it filled my belly but I paid for it and still am. So, I took a step back and restarted my Whole30, then yesterday I piged out on chocolate chips, peanut butter, and potato chips because I felt like I was restricting myself.

This is why I cannot follow meal plans, or strict guidelines or a fad diet. I need to be in charge of what goes in and out of my mouth because that creates triggering feelings in referene to my eating disorder if I don’t contrust my own meal plans and guidelines. Call me a control freak but making your own success makes it all worth it. I’m not ashamed that I didn’t finish the Whole30, I learned a lot in terms of good foods, bad foods, and everything in between. I take it as a learning experience and it just reassured me that a Paleo lifestyle isn’t for me and that is okay! I’m still going to train hard, eat good, and feel good because I know I’m doing what is best for me.