Depression

2.1.16

Hello all, how are you? Happy February 1st, 2016.

I haven’t posted in awhile, I guess I’ve been MIA in a lot of aspects of my life especially my blog, probably because I have no idea what to do with it.

My blog has changed a lot over the past few years since I’ve had it and I’ve always wanted to have one focus whether it be fitness, body positivity, minimalism, yoga, or Buddhism, but, to be completely honest, I have no desire to have one focus when it comes to my blog.

If you are one of my loyal readers then you know I like to change my mind a lot and go through many different phases and interests. It is hard having ADD because, you find yourself being bogged down by different trends in society whether they be positive or negative and, having a blog means sharing those thoughts and ideas and as you know, I have many.

Going forward I am no longer going to tie my blog down to one specific topic. If I choose to write about x, y ,or z or all three then I will because that is my choice. Ever since starting my Intuitive Eating/mindfulness journey I have found that my life has changed in more ways than just my eating habits. I am doing things that make me feel fulfilled and happy whether it be reading, eating pizza, watching a documentary, or taking a walk outside. Practicing mindfulness has been a huge tool in my recovery when it comes to my eating disorder and dealing with my anxiety and depression.

I am so much more happier. Everything in my life just seems brighter and makes more sense. Ever since I let go of trying to please others and stopped following trends to find myself, everything seems to have fallen into place. Although new things arise each day, week, month and year, life is directing me and I am allowing it to guide me. You can’t predict the future and to waste your time and energy on trying to do so, you’re just going to bring yourself down. This is the most important lesson I have learned in my 22 years of life.

I’m glad to be back here blogging. Writing is such an important outlet for me and I’ve been really neglecting it. I still want to write a novel – one I’ve been planing to start for years but, I just can’t find that spark or idea to start it all. I’ve written down many story line ideas and none of them click. I feel like I have this roadblock in front of me and I just don’t see how to get past it.

I want to be passionate about writing again but, I am so impatient. It is hard for me to just write a little, put it down, then start it again the next day. I want it done right there and then and obviously, that could NEVER happen unless I took a week off of work and locked myself in my room but, I can’t do that to myself.

I guess this is where practicing mindfulness comes in and patience as a whole. I’ve been being more mindful of when I am not patient and it is becoming more clear that I have very little but, I’m working on it and that’s what counts. I am hopeful that I can start brainstorming again while practicing patience when it comes to my writing.

That is pretty much it. Not sure how to conclude this blog post but, I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this.

New Year’s Resolutions 

We all know this time of year very well. People start thinking of resolutions or goal for the new year to come.

For many, this goal is usually to lose weight. Gyms will start having their sign on specials, health websites will start having sales on supplement stacks, and fitness clothes will be all the new rage.

As for me, this has been my New Year’s Resolution as long as I can remember especially after a holiday season filled with so much food and pictures. Pictures that you see yourself in and think, “I just need to lose x amount of weight and I will be where I want to be, that picture is my motivation.”

I am going to tell you guys something very real about me. This morning, I went on Facebook and saw that my Mom had posted pictures from yesterday and saw myself in one. Mind you, I was wearing jeggings, an oversized sweater, and my hair was kind of messy (I sort of like it that way) but, when I looked at this photo I instantly thought, “I need to lose weight this coming year, I just can’t stand looking at myself in this picture.” After that thought had come and gone, I felt very disappointed in myself. Lately I have been working so hard on breaking away from “losing weight” mentality but, through this journey I have put my health on the back burner. Disclaimer: I do believe when breaking free from the dieting world it is essential to just let go and relax. If that means eating less nutritionally dense foods and skipping the gym, that is 100% okay! Some people need to do this to recover and this is what I did. However, due to this neglect when it came to my health these past few months, I have been extremely bloated and swollen due to the fact that I haven’t been getting hardly any fiber whatsoever and have really slacked on eating fruits and vegetables. I also haven’t been sweating out any of the toxins going into my body from eating some of these not-so nutritionally dense foods which at the time was okay (and still is of course!) but, I want to treat my body better.

So, here they are, my goals for 2016.

  • Eat more fiber: I need to get my digestive system back on track with proper health because I have Celiac Disease and if by chance I eat gluten, I need a healthy digestive system to help me get rid of it.
  • Sweat more: I don’t mean as in, “to count calories burned, etc..” but, so I can treat my body with respect and feel better mentally and physically, in the hopes that I can sleep better and wake up feeling more refreshed.
  • Do more yoga: I have been upping my yoga game a lot lately. I try to aim to do it at least two times a week but I would like to get to the 4-5 days a week seeing as the results have been incredible both mentally and physically and it has brought me so much happiness and peace.
  • Forgive myself more: You are your own worst critic in all aspects of life, especially if you are an ex-dieter you know this all too well. This year I really want to work on letting things go and not being so hard on myself all of the time. I need to remember that I am not a perfect human being because things happen, life throws obstacles in your way, and what counts is working to get past them, not beat yourself up about it.
  • Practice mindfulness: This is a huge goal of mine (also: none of these are in particular order) I am always rushing through life whether it be eating, driving, exploring, writing, and so many other things. I forget to appreciate the different sensations and my surroundings and I miss out. I want to see the world for what it is, I want to live in the present because the past is the past and the future hasn’t come yet.
  • Read more: This is my last goal but, I want to read more. Lately I have been making the effort to pick up a book rather than my Apple TV remote but, I want this effort to be much more significant in the new year.

It would be wrong of me to lie to you and say that losing weight didn’t cross my mind, of course it did! I’m an ex-dieter trying to find her way on this journey of self love and body acceptance but, I do want to treat my mind and body right because this is the only body I’ve got. I am happy that I have some goals not related to health because I find that this is an important step in diet recovery. When you have goals solely focused on health, it could appear that maybe subliminally your goals reflect the subconscious idea of losing weight and although those are not my intentions, I think it is important to point this out for those in diet recovery  trying to think of resolutions/goals for the new year.

When it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, don’t think too much on it. Close your eyes, envision yourself lets say…six months from now, where do you want to be? What goals could get you to the point? And choose those as your goals. For example, by practicing mindfulness, by six months I hope to not eat so quickly and truly enjoy my food, and to also drive slower seeing as I have a very long commute to work I always tend to drive like a maniac and I would like to slow the pace down and enjoy the views even if it is snow. Having an image of what you want your life to be can really help when choosing these resolutions. Meditate on it, I promise that with some stillness and relaxation, these goals will come to you.

As the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer

When I think about winter I think about how dark, cold, and snowy it gets. How the days get shorter and the nights seem to take control of our lives for a while. Many people such as myself take on a seasonal depression, feeling trapped inside and never really enjoying the outside because of how frigid it can be. I’m trying to have a new outlook on winter this year though. Rather than seeing myself as trapped I’m going to take this winter and transform myself mentally and physically.

Mentally I am going to focus on really being in tune with my thoughts and feelings, writing more and coloring in my anxiety books, and really focusing on understanding who I am. I feel like for so long I have neglected the fact that I don’t fully understand my mental health or what has brought me to this point in my life. My anxiety has never been this bad up until this year I would say. This past year I have realized just how crippling my anxiety is and how my panic attacks really and truly affect myself and the ones I love. I am hoping that through writing, coloring, and meditating that I can really go within myself and start to dissect my past and finally let go and move on.

Physically I am going to exercise and fuel my body. Not only will working out better my mindset and release those much needed endorphins, but it’ll help me continue to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve come a long way from the young woman who used to restrict food and over exercise and I am happy to say that I love who and what I am now and now that I do, I am ready to really take care of my body. When the summer comes, I will strip away the wintery layers and show what I’ve accomplished and I cannot wait to reflect on all that I’ve learned about myself.

Loving yourself and committing to self-healing isn’t easy. Some days I don’t want to deal with my emotions and some days I really think that my jeans make me look fat, but I am human. Sometimes we forget that we won’t always have a positive outlook and that the little voice in our heads will get us down from time to time but, what matters is getting back up and continuing the fight to being a healthier and happier person.

I have learned so much since I started this blog back in 2013. When I first started here on WordPress I was a miserable human being. Drowning in my own depression and letting my eating disorder and body dysmorphia rule my life. Some days I still feel like that young girl just trying to find her way but, I know better and I am better. We constantly grow as human beings, always learning from what we do or don’t do, and becoming wiser as the years pass and it’s a beautiful thing to look back and see how we have flourished. Lately I’ve been pretty down and out, but when I look back and see the road I’ve walked on, I know that no matter what comes my way I’ll do the best that I can and learn what I can.

Monday again

Alright, since I haven’t posted since last week here is an update of the last few days. 

Over the weekend I ate pretty intuitively but I find that I am more in tuned with my body and hunger cues when it’s not the weekend and when I’m not sitting in front of a television. It’s hard because I’m a midnight snacker and eating distracted prevents you from being in tune with your body so, going forward I am not eating in my room unless it’s portion sized and not an endless back of Veggie Straws because damn, I love those things so much! 

As far as my veggie like I was doing great until last night when we ordered Gluten Free pizza I wanted meat on one side for my boyfriend and the other without. Well, either I messed up the order or the pizza place did because there was so much meat everywhere since it was Philly cheesesteak so, needless to say my veggie morals were sort of out the window on that meal but overall I feel much better and have more energy. 

I even feel slimmer since deleting my calorie counting app. Not being consumed by a number and calories has really helped my mind relax and I’m picking healthy choices on my own which is so nice. 

My Misfit app for my Misfit Shine has an option to take pictures of your food to keep track without counting calories so I’m going to give that a try too just to see my consumption of goodies. 

I feel good and ready to really buckle down and get motivated for school which is starting next Monday, yikes! 

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend. 

Blah is the emotion of the day

I really hate when the day drags. Where it just feels like every minute is ten minutes passing by. It’s not that I’m not busy, it’s just I feel so tired and…yeah, tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Some days I feel so alive, bright, and happy. Other days I feel so blah, dismal, and frustrated with the world. People driving piss me off, people around me piss me off, hell, even I piss myself off. It’s just today is one of those days that I’m just over it. Like Bye Felicia I’m done with you. 

Lately I’ve just been feeling so lost especially in regards to my health and fitness goals. Just sort of working out and tracking my food but not really enjoying it, you know what I mean? I feel discourage and unorganized and that’s two things that I hate feeling. Being unorganized and discouraged means I don’t have control. But having control 24/7 isn’t healthy and that’s a thing I’ve been working on, not having control. 

I know I just need to let go and take a deep breath. That things will work out when they are meant to work out but, I’m seriously ready for today to be over. At least I get to see my man and get ice cream, ice cream makes everything better, am I right? 

Where to start..

The last few days I’ve just been sort of in a haze. I feel like this shell of a body, nothing really inside, just aimlessly walking the surface of this Earth. I don’t really feel anything, I just feel content. Not happy, not really sad. I go through my moments of feeling one way or the other but I do not linger. Lingering on emotions that will only bring you down is not worth it, you are your number one. It is hard to remember that though, especially when your emotions are misguided. This fog casted over me has made it hard to see, hard to grasp reality but it is starting to slowly become clear. I know that life has a funny way of playing things out and sometimes it is unclear of what will come but it is important that we hold onto to hope. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning with things consistently crashing around me but I take each downfall and learn something from it, therefore attempting to find the silver lining. There are so many ways to deal with disappointment, you can dwell on it and beat yourself up, or you can rise above it and be thankful for the experience. It still breaks your heart to feel the twinge of regret, but living in the past will not change the present or future. I can be wise sometimes, I know that I have the tools to live a positive and fulfilled life and I’ve come a long way, but I do doubt myself often. Am I doing the right thing for myself? Will this action make me happy? I don’t always have the right answers and I make uninformed decisions often, but I am always learning. I’m frustrated with my past actions, I am paying greatly for those but I refuse to let it bury me alive. I refuse to give up and I will be damned if I don’t succeed in life.

Why now?

Why am I feeling all of this now, shouldn’t this have come months ago? Why did I mask these emotions with anger and stubbornness, why didn’t I just look at the situation for what is was and made it better. Why didn’t I just accept how I was feeling and fix it, rather than lock it up in Pandora’s box, because it is here, I am feeling, and it won’t stop. I guess you could say this is my karma, it is finally here and I don’t know what to do, I have no idea how to deal with these feelings, I’m pissed, empty, and broken, I thought I was okay, I thought that everything was going to be fine, but it is evident that it’s not. I know I can move on from this and be okay because in some retrospect I am, I am still happy and motivated, but there is something missing, and I’m not quite sure what it is. I need to learn to deal with my feelings better and learn to not mask them with other rash emotions. I’m sick of everyone, literally everyone, I just want to be alone for awhile, and collect myself.