2.1.16

Hello all, how are you? Happy February 1st, 2016.

I haven’t posted in awhile, I guess I’ve been MIA in a lot of aspects of my life especially my blog, probably because I have no idea what to do with it.

My blog has changed a lot over the past few years since I’ve had it and I’ve always wanted to have one focus whether it be fitness, body positivity, minimalism, yoga, or Buddhism, but, to be completely honest, I have no desire to have one focus when it comes to my blog.

If you are one of my loyal readers then you know I like to change my mind a lot and go through many different phases and interests. It is hard having ADD because, you find yourself being bogged down by different trends in society whether they be positive or negative and, having a blog means sharing those thoughts and ideas and as you know, I have many.

Going forward I am no longer going to tie my blog down to one specific topic. If I choose to write about x, y ,or z or all three then I will because that is my choice. Ever since starting my Intuitive Eating/mindfulness journey I have found that my life has changed in more ways than just my eating habits. I am doing things that make me feel fulfilled and happy whether it be reading, eating pizza, watching a documentary, or taking a walk outside. Practicing mindfulness has been a huge tool in my recovery when it comes to my eating disorder and dealing with my anxiety and depression.

I am so much more happier. Everything in my life just seems brighter and makes more sense. Ever since I let go of trying to please others and stopped following trends to find myself, everything seems to have fallen into place. Although new things arise each day, week, month and year, life is directing me and I am allowing it to guide me. You can’t predict the future and to waste your time and energy on trying to do so, you’re just going to bring yourself down. This is the most important lesson I have learned in my 22 years of life.

I’m glad to be back here blogging. Writing is such an important outlet for me and I’ve been really neglecting it. I still want to write a novel – one I’ve been planing to start for years but, I just can’t find that spark or idea to start it all. I’ve written down many story line ideas and none of them click. I feel like I have this roadblock in front of me and I just don’t see how to get past it.

I want to be passionate about writing again but, I am so impatient. It is hard for me to just write a little, put it down, then start it again the next day. I want it done right there and then and obviously, that could NEVER happen unless I took a week off of work and locked myself in my room but, I can’t do that to myself.

I guess this is where practicing mindfulness comes in and patience as a whole. I’ve been being more mindful of when I am not patient and it is becoming more clear that I have very little but, I’m working on it and that’s what counts. I am hopeful that I can start brainstorming again while practicing patience when it comes to my writing.

That is pretty much it. Not sure how to conclude this blog post but, I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this.

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As the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer

When I think about winter I think about how dark, cold, and snowy it gets. How the days get shorter and the nights seem to take control of our lives for a while. Many people such as myself take on a seasonal depression, feeling trapped inside and never really enjoying the outside because of how frigid it can be. I’m trying to have a new outlook on winter this year though. Rather than seeing myself as trapped I’m going to take this winter and transform myself mentally and physically.

Mentally I am going to focus on really being in tune with my thoughts and feelings, writing more and coloring in my anxiety books, and really focusing on understanding who I am. I feel like for so long I have neglected the fact that I don’t fully understand my mental health or what has brought me to this point in my life. My anxiety has never been this bad up until this year I would say. This past year I have realized just how crippling my anxiety is and how my panic attacks really and truly affect myself and the ones I love. I am hoping that through writing, coloring, and meditating that I can really go within myself and start to dissect my past and finally let go and move on.

Physically I am going to exercise and fuel my body. Not only will working out better my mindset and release those much needed endorphins, but it’ll help me continue to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve come a long way from the young woman who used to restrict food and over exercise and I am happy to say that I love who and what I am now and now that I do, I am ready to really take care of my body. When the summer comes, I will strip away the wintery layers and show what I’ve accomplished and I cannot wait to reflect on all that I’ve learned about myself.

Loving yourself and committing to self-healing isn’t easy. Some days I don’t want to deal with my emotions and some days I really think that my jeans make me look fat, but I am human. Sometimes we forget that we won’t always have a positive outlook and that the little voice in our heads will get us down from time to time but, what matters is getting back up and continuing the fight to being a healthier and happier person.

I have learned so much since I started this blog back in 2013. When I first started here on WordPress I was a miserable human being. Drowning in my own depression and letting my eating disorder and body dysmorphia rule my life. Some days I still feel like that young girl just trying to find her way but, I know better and I am better. We constantly grow as human beings, always learning from what we do or don’t do, and becoming wiser as the years pass and it’s a beautiful thing to look back and see how we have flourished. Lately I’ve been pretty down and out, but when I look back and see the road I’ve walked on, I know that no matter what comes my way I’ll do the best that I can and learn what I can.

So much self doubt today

I’m literally going out of my mind today. Work is so slow, leaving me to constantly think about all the things I’ve done wrong, or how I’m going to fall short in anything I try to do. I know that is dramatic, I’m a dramatic person, everything feels like the world is going to end or I’m going to die because I have a headache, I’ve never been a subtle person. I’m thinking a lot about the past two months and how happy I’ve been, I’ve also started to dig deep into feelings that I’ve sort of been putting on the side lines or replaced with a different emotion. I’m dealing with things that I’ve sort of dealt with but haven’t really until recently and that has been bringing me down most definitely. I sometimes regret the things I’ve said and done recently, most people have regrets but I try not to live in the past because that’s what it is, the past. I’ve hurt people, people I cared for greatly, and still care for, I’ve been selfish, but I also did what I had to do to better myself, to find myself, and for that I’m not sorry.

I’m getting nervous too about my photography, I see all these great pictures from some amateur and freelance photographers and I just shake my head, wondering if I’ll ever be good enough, but then I remember something wise that Tarah said to me the other day, “Don’t judge your beginning by somebody else’s middle”, those were some wise words, and that is something I need to start reminding myself. All photographers whether they are professional, or amateur all start at the same point, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m really hard on myself, I always have been, I start something and I usually don’t finish it because I tell myself that it isn’t good enough or that it is horrible, although I like to think of myself as a positive person, I am my own worst enemy and critic, I think that is something I really want to start working on, learning to let myself love the process of learning and doing and not giving up so quickly because it is hard or there are people out there with more experience than me because I know I can do well, I just need to apply myself and keep a positive mind. 

Sunday realizations & rambles

I can’t believe it is already Sunday, another week has passed and school is inching closer and closer. I’m pissed, my digital imaging class got cancelled and I can’t fill it online for some reason so I’m going to have to physically go to my school tomorrow to register for another one. I was really looking forward to learning how to use photoshop, and now there is really NO classes that fill my schedule so this should be interesting, but still keeping a positive outlook and hoping for the best!

Anyways, today I’m not really sure what I’m going to do..I need to clean my room for sure, possibly go to the gym because I didn’t go all week that I was sick, and I told Tarah I would possibly go to Maine with her for a cookout but I’m not sure what I want to do, I don’t know any of these people that are going to be at this party and I still don’t feel super hot, in fact my stomach feels horrible, but I don’t want to be bored all day…the dilemma.

I was bad and forgot to take my antibiotics for a day and I slacked with only one dosage yesterday and it has caught up with me, I’m definitely not feeling so hot again and that is my own damn fault, but I own it, and I’ll be more aware about taking care of my body.

Rambling again, pardon my ADD. I want to take pictures, go somewhere beautiful and relax but I don’t know where to go or who to go with, I just want to surround myself with the Sunday breeze in a calm setting. The last few days I’ve felt disconnected, like wandering lost in a limbo, between reality and my own perception of life and I just feel like I’m floating and, “It’s hard to keep my soul on the ground” (Garden Grove, Sublime) literally feel like I can’t just strap myself down and shake myself out of this weird funk, this happens sometimes, I float so high and when I start to float down I’m not really sure how to handle it but I’m learning, slowly but surely.

I’m feeling spiritual today, not so much on a Catholic level, but a more nature and open minded level of spirituality. I’m currently listening to a “Restorative Yoga” playlist on spotify, I miss yoga, I miss the burning insense that would fill the studio, and the way in which I felt when the instructor would dim the lights down and I would just breathe in the positive energy, but yoga is just too damn expensive these days. This music is so soothing though, no lyrics, just beautiful music and my oolong chai tea, this morning is perfect. Nothing beats great tea, great music, and writing in my opinion, it is perfect way to start my day, I really should make this a habit because it does make me so happy.

A lot of things make me happy I’ve noticed lately. The fact that my life has turned upside down the last two months is something that still suprises me, I’m someone completely different and it makes me genuinely happy. I live for me and no one else, that is something I’ve never done before and it feels great. I’ve met some incredible people, Tarah for instance has become a huge part of my life, she has helped me a lot to break out of my shell and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that, she is my best friend. Zach, we briefly knew each other throughout school but now we’ve become good friends, he supports me and encourages me to stay true to me and that is something that makes me very happy and thankful for. Jerick introduced me to my love for photography, without him I wouldn’t have found my somewhat natural talent for it or at least my intense admiration for the art. Me, without my open mind and strength, I wouldn’t be where I am today period. There were some dark moments in my life, I struggled with an eating disorder, intense depression, poor self esteem, and loneliness. I couldn’t bare the thought of being alone, now though, I enjoy it, and find peace in my time alone. Today, I still deal with my depression but in a much more healthier way because that will always be a part of me, but the biggest aspect of my transformation that I admire is the love I have for myself. I love waking up each day and going with the flow, I love finding the beauty in life and the world around me, and I strive each day to be the best person I can be. When I think of who I was two years ago all I see is sadness, pain, and darkness, it is crazy to think that I was in such a place. Although it makes me sad, it also makes me feel empowered because I was the one who grew from that, granted, it took a long time, a very long time, but I made it and here I am to live another day and to share my positivity because change can happen, living a better life can happen, and I want to inspire others, I want to help others, that is what I’m meant to do.

Sick as a dog

I don’t understand why I keep getting so sick. Why does my immune system suck so bad? I exercise, eat right for the most part…sure, I drink here and there and indulge in the wonders in life but who doesn’t? I literally was sick a month ago, hacking and wacking in bed and here I am AGAIN sick. I took numerous doses of cough medicine last night and I kept waking up dying with this horrible cough, like this medicine did NOTHING for me…so frustrating. I don’t understand this madness whatsoever.

I’ve been thinking about my novel again, creating ideas in my mind..I really should write them down so I have a better idea of where it will all fall, but putting my thoughts to paper is the challenge, isn’t it? Speaking of novels I read the first book in the Divergent series a few months ago and I finally watched the movie today. I was pleasently surprised with Shailene Woodley’s performance, I loved her in Secret Life of The American Teenager, but never knew she would actually do well in an action role. I love these sort of dystopia series like The Hunger Games, so fun to read and so unrealistic in my opinon, imagine our world like that? Or living in one for the matter, the ideas and imagainations these authors have are incredible, I only hope that mine can stretch as far.

I’m heading to the doctors as we speak, hopefully I can find some answers and get some medicine that will actually work!