Sunday thoughts

I’m kinda of messy.  I like to think I am neat but in reality I am just messy.  Every Sunday I clean my room, vacuum, laundry, clean sheets, you name it.  I feel so great knowing that I will keep my room clean all week…not.  Each time I clean my room which is has been every Sunday the past three months or so, I tell myself that I will keep it clean.  I think I will make a mini cleaning habit each day so every Sunday it takes less time to clean my room to the point where I won’t have to spend hours cleaning it.

I also noticed that when the weekends come I don’t sleep as much.  I mean, I stay up late, wake up early-ish, then fall back asleep only to wake up at noon or past noon.  Working a 8-5 job five days a week can really take a toll on your mind and body but I am thankful for where my life is going.  I am productive and successful for someone my age, I work full time, go to school online, have my photography business, maintain a blog and a fitness social media presence (follow me on IG: jpalmer_fitness) (shameless promotion!).

What is remarkable is that I haven’t collapsed from an overworking brain yet which makes me pretty proud.  I still have time for me, my boyfriend, my best friend, family, Netflix, and reading.  I definitely spread myself pretty thin but at least I am moving in the right direction.

The golden hour

One of my most favorite things about the summer and fall is the golden hour.  Around 3:30pm everything outside looks golden because the sun is starting to descend.  I love to sit outside and look at how it casts this lovely gold color on the tops of the trees, buildings, the air even feels different as the temperature starts to lower.  It genuinely brings me so much happiness, just being able to feel the breeze and almost feel embraced by the warmth of the golden hour.

One of my favorite things to do this summer has been sitting outside in my backyard with a good book and enjoy my surroundings and how lovely nature is.  I am so excited to just be able to relax, feel the breeze on my neck, and read a good book.  It is an enchanting feeling.  I’ve always loved that time of day, even when I was a kid.  Being outside and watching how the day transitions from day to night is a breathtaking thing to see.

Feel good talks

I’m feeling good today. Although it’s raining and gloomy here in Boston, I feel all the way around good. Some days I feel like this and others I am lower than the ground but it is days like today that I am thankful and hopeful. It is not easy dealing with depression and anxiety, or really any mental illness for that matter. I know for me that I find it difficult to get my mind quiet and on the same playing level as the rest of my mind, body, and soul. Some days my body wants to run but my mind wants to life, but my soul wants to do yoga. I sometimes feel like I am never in sync with myself but today I feel very grounded and I think it is because I’ve incorporated more yoga into my week. I find that I do it almost five days a week whether it is for 5 minutes or thirty minutes. I’ve always loved yoga and have practiced it, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve truly practiced often.

I’m going to the Cape with my love and his family next week and I can’t wait. I’m definitely going to do some yoga on the beach and make sure I get some activity every day whether it be walking the beach, kayaking, walking around town or whatever. I refuse to let vacations of any kind ruin my progress or weight loss journey. Lately I’ve just been feeling so down about myself and uncomfortable in my skin. My clothes don’t fit the way I want them too, my weight is climbing and it has been discouraging to say the least but I’ve gotten back on track. I’m packing my meals, tracking my food, drinking loads of water and tea, and challenging my body in the gym or at my home and it has been nice.

My midnight snacking though is what kills me. I eat out of boredom and if there is Netflix in front of me, I want a snack. So now, I’m TRYING to have more healthier snacks and although I am doing that, I just eat too much so NOW I need to focus on portion control and drinking more water because honestly, I would be at my ideal weight by now if it weren’t for my snacking and that sucks. It sucks to know that you get in your own way, but I vow to do my best to stay on the straight and narrow.

I know that my posts sometimes do not make sense or they turn into me rambling about different things, but I really appreciate those who take the time to read about my silly life, it means a lot to me.

I’m aggravated today

I hate being aggravated. It is one of the human emotions I cannot stand to feel. Not only do you feel all tense and pissed off, but in my case half the time I don’t know why I feel this way.

I know that a few things trigger my aggravation such as idiot drivers, people not texting me back, or people who don’t know how to plan for their life. I also know that a lot of these triggers are anxiety ones as well which therefore make me even more aggravated.

I just wish that anxiety and aggravation didn’t go hand in hand in my world. Today I’m just a ball of frustration, I’m trying to clean my room but I keep procrastinating, I’m waiting for my boyfriend to text me back to figure out if and what we are doing today, and I just have so much shit to do that isn’t getting done because I’m too pissed off to do it.

What do you do when you find yourself in these situations? I know that meditating and yoga could be good for me right now but I don’t think I could sit still long enough or actually calm my mind down.

Crapping your pants 

Isn’t crapping your pants out at work the best? Being in a bathroom at the farthest stall in the facility making sure your stink and noise doesn’t bother too many other people in the bathroom is a task in itself. I have no idea what I ate that could’ve given me such pain and discomfort. I’ve been gluten free for about a month, maybe some secretly got into me? Or maybe it’s dairy who knows! 

It’s frustrating being that person with celiac disease, always worrying about what you are eating and whether or not you’ll end up shitting your pants. I miss the days where I could eat what I wanted and not have to pay for it on the toilet later.

I miss soft luscious bread and crackers and all that good shit that has gluten in it. Although I’m finally taking care of my body, it still sucks to know that I have to be extra careful for the rest of my life or I have to run to the damn bathroom before literally crapping my pants. 

I wonder if people think I just don’t like being at my desk today because I’ve literally gotten up to crap two times already in the last hour and a half. I just want to be like,”No I’m not being lazy, I have Celiac Disease and I’m crapping my pants.” 

I’m sorry if my choice of words do not sit well with any of you readers but this is how my mind and body is currently feeling.