A Letter to the World

The Memoirs of a Yo-Yo Dieter

Dear world:

What do you want from me?

I spent the first twenty years of my life “too fat” by your standards.  I was heckled, ridiculed, ostracized, and abused.

When I was in grade school, the kids would warn one another that I might eat them, or (worse yet) sit on them if they made me upset.

In middle school, I was ridiculed. Teased, voraciously and cruelly, by anyone that needed an ego-boost to get through their day.

In high school, I faced the worst of the abuse: I was ignored. I faded into the background, the lockers clanging and bells ringing, and no one really bothered to look for me beyond help with test questions and customized study guides.

For the last decade, I’ve worked to take control of my body.

I developed (and fought to overcome) an eating disorder as an adult. I dieted and I binged; I…

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No Motivation

I find it frustrating how up and down my motivation is. I guess that is normal and many people can relate to that idea but lately I’ve been slacking in terms of going to the gym and when I do go I’ll do some cardio for a half an hour and get tired and leave. That is SO not like me AT ALL. I am that person who wants to push and get pushed in a workout. I think because I’m dealing with getting ready for my trip I’ve been exhausted, literally, I’m so tired and all out of my wits. I’m barely eating during the day and then when I get home Lexi and I go out or whatever. I mean, in the big scheme of things I’m not putting on weight at all because I’m doing this but it is SO unhealthy! I usually LOVE waking up hungry and making something to eat but lately it is like I’m not hungry until it is six o’clock at night and even then it is a struggle.

I seriously think it is stress and anxiety that is making me not hungry at all and unmotivated because I’m not eating as much my energy is super low. I hate it, I absolutely hate living this way, so unhealthy! I know this all too that is the sad thing, I know that I should be eating more often and not waiting till the end of the day because that is where the binge monster lives, the binge monster likes to come out and play at that time because it knows that it can scare me and win.

I need to find a solution to my problem.

I’m getting overwhelmed…

Usually when I’m overwhelmed I am focused on ONE emotion and ONE sad idea that would bring me to the idea of being overwhelmed. Well folks, this is ground breaking news: I am overwhelmed by many emotions in reference to my trip to Italy in two weeks. In less than sixteen days I will be traveling to the most beautiful country and staying in the most beautiful city. Why am I so overwhelmed? I should be excited, happy, grateful and I am all of those things!

Today at work I’ve been going on Florence University of the Arts website and looking at pictures and reading blogs of students who have stayed there and lived as a study abroad students and it is getting me excited but also sad and nervous. Sad because I am such a mommy and daddy’s girl that it brings tears to my eyes when I think of when I have to say goodbye for three weeks, to them and to Lexi it makes me very very sad. I mean, this is my family, my life, the blood that runs through my veins and the love I have for these people is what makes me who I am. Who will I be without them for three weeks? I think that is what scares me the most is being without Mom, Dad, and Lexi. I love them all so much it pains me to leave but at the same time I am thrilled to go on this adventure and discover parts of me I never knew and learn about Italy and explore! This is an oppritunity of a lifetime and I couldn’t be happier but it is also bittersweet to say goodbye. Not goodbye, more like see you later because I will come back and be home with the ones I love. I know it is only temporary but nonetheless it is still upsetting.

Tears come to my eyes because I am excited, scared, sad, happy, all of the above! Life over there is so much different so it seems and I can’t wait to just put myself into the culture head on and experience it all! I am grateful for this oppritunity and I am also thankful to have these incredible people to call my family.

Comfortable and Confident

So, update: I’ve lost five pounds in about two weeks! I’m pretty excited because I haven’t been killing myself at the gym or not eating yummy food! I’ve been counting macros which has totally changed my perception on food and moderation. With my binge eating disorder I have always just saw food as the enemy and that if I have a cookie I just can’t have one because my binge eating takes over and I end up eating all of them.

This isn’t the case anymore. Now that I have started to count macros I see the beauty in flexibility and being able to control what I eat in a healthy way. Yesterday I had Mcdonalds and protein peanut butter donuts that I made like, in what world can you eat that and still lose weight?! Well, MyFitnessPal told me that if I eat the way I did yesterday, I will be ten pounds lighter in five weeks. Well, that was enough for me to be convinced that counting macros is my heaven. The fact that I can eat “healthy”, eat “shitty”, exercise, and enjoy the process while seeing results is making me one happy girl.

I’m learning how to count macros and when and how to get my protein in because that is what I’m finding to be troublesome because I’m such a carb whore that it is hard to find things that fit for my protein without over-loading my carbs! I’ve been indulging in Quest Bars and Cellucor Peanut butter Marsh-mellow Protein Powder, that stuff is the bomb! I use one scoop of that, some unsweetened vanilla almond milk, and a squirt of sugar free chocolate syrup and it is delicious!

I’m going to start updating on more of my weight loss because I just feel so good about this and I want to tell the world!