So much self doubt today

I’m literally going out of my mind today. Work is so slow, leaving me to constantly think about all the things I’ve done wrong, or how I’m going to fall short in anything I try to do. I know that is dramatic, I’m a dramatic person, everything feels like the world is going to end or I’m going to die because I have a headache, I’ve never been a subtle person. I’m thinking a lot about the past two months and how happy I’ve been, I’ve also started to dig deep into feelings that I’ve sort of been putting on the side lines or replaced with a different emotion. I’m dealing with things that I’ve sort of dealt with but haven’t really until recently and that has been bringing me down most definitely. I sometimes regret the things I’ve said and done recently, most people have regrets but I try not to live in the past because that’s what it is, the past. I’ve hurt people, people I cared for greatly, and still care for, I’ve been selfish, but I also did what I had to do to better myself, to find myself, and for that I’m not sorry.

I’m getting nervous too about my photography, I see all these great pictures from some amateur and freelance photographers and I just shake my head, wondering if I’ll ever be good enough, but then I remember something wise that Tarah said to me the other day, “Don’t judge your beginning by somebody else’s middle”, those were some wise words, and that is something I need to start reminding myself. All photographers whether they are professional, or amateur all start at the same point, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m really hard on myself, I always have been, I start something and I usually don’t finish it because I tell myself that it isn’t good enough or that it is horrible, although I like to think of myself as a positive person, I am my own worst enemy and critic, I think that is something I really want to start working on, learning to let myself love the process of learning and doing and not giving up so quickly because it is hard or there are people out there with more experience than me because I know I can do well, I just need to apply myself and keep a positive mind. 

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Sunday realizations & rambles

I can’t believe it is already Sunday, another week has passed and school is inching closer and closer. I’m pissed, my digital imaging class got cancelled and I can’t fill it online for some reason so I’m going to have to physically go to my school tomorrow to register for another one. I was really looking forward to learning how to use photoshop, and now there is really NO classes that fill my schedule so this should be interesting, but still keeping a positive outlook and hoping for the best!

Anyways, today I’m not really sure what I’m going to do..I need to clean my room for sure, possibly go to the gym because I didn’t go all week that I was sick, and I told Tarah I would possibly go to Maine with her for a cookout but I’m not sure what I want to do, I don’t know any of these people that are going to be at this party and I still don’t feel super hot, in fact my stomach feels horrible, but I don’t want to be bored all day…the dilemma.

I was bad and forgot to take my antibiotics for a day and I slacked with only one dosage yesterday and it has caught up with me, I’m definitely not feeling so hot again and that is my own damn fault, but I own it, and I’ll be more aware about taking care of my body.

Rambling again, pardon my ADD. I want to take pictures, go somewhere beautiful and relax but I don’t know where to go or who to go with, I just want to surround myself with the Sunday breeze in a calm setting. The last few days I’ve felt disconnected, like wandering lost in a limbo, between reality and my own perception of life and I just feel like I’m floating and, “It’s hard to keep my soul on the ground” (Garden Grove, Sublime) literally feel like I can’t just strap myself down and shake myself out of this weird funk, this happens sometimes, I float so high and when I start to float down I’m not really sure how to handle it but I’m learning, slowly but surely.

I’m feeling spiritual today, not so much on a Catholic level, but a more nature and open minded level of spirituality. I’m currently listening to a “Restorative Yoga” playlist on spotify, I miss yoga, I miss the burning insense that would fill the studio, and the way in which I felt when the instructor would dim the lights down and I would just breathe in the positive energy, but yoga is just too damn expensive these days. This music is so soothing though, no lyrics, just beautiful music and my oolong chai tea, this morning is perfect. Nothing beats great tea, great music, and writing in my opinion, it is perfect way to start my day, I really should make this a habit because it does make me so happy.

A lot of things make me happy I’ve noticed lately. The fact that my life has turned upside down the last two months is something that still suprises me, I’m someone completely different and it makes me genuinely happy. I live for me and no one else, that is something I’ve never done before and it feels great. I’ve met some incredible people, Tarah for instance has become a huge part of my life, she has helped me a lot to break out of my shell and I’ll be forever grateful to her for that, she is my best friend. Zach, we briefly knew each other throughout school but now we’ve become good friends, he supports me and encourages me to stay true to me and that is something that makes me very happy and thankful for. Jerick introduced me to my love for photography, without him I wouldn’t have found my somewhat natural talent for it or at least my intense admiration for the art. Me, without my open mind and strength, I wouldn’t be where I am today period. There were some dark moments in my life, I struggled with an eating disorder, intense depression, poor self esteem, and loneliness. I couldn’t bare the thought of being alone, now though, I enjoy it, and find peace in my time alone. Today, I still deal with my depression but in a much more healthier way because that will always be a part of me, but the biggest aspect of my transformation that I admire is the love I have for myself. I love waking up each day and going with the flow, I love finding the beauty in life and the world around me, and I strive each day to be the best person I can be. When I think of who I was two years ago all I see is sadness, pain, and darkness, it is crazy to think that I was in such a place. Although it makes me sad, it also makes me feel empowered because I was the one who grew from that, granted, it took a long time, a very long time, but I made it and here I am to live another day and to share my positivity because change can happen, living a better life can happen, and I want to inspire others, I want to help others, that is what I’m meant to do.