As the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer

When I think about winter I think about how dark, cold, and snowy it gets. How the days get shorter and the nights seem to take control of our lives for a while. Many people such as myself take on a seasonal depression, feeling trapped inside and never really enjoying the outside because of how frigid it can be. I’m trying to have a new outlook on winter this year though. Rather than seeing myself as trapped I’m going to take this winter and transform myself mentally and physically.

Mentally I am going to focus on really being in tune with my thoughts and feelings, writing more and coloring in my anxiety books, and really focusing on understanding who I am. I feel like for so long I have neglected the fact that I don’t fully understand my mental health or what has brought me to this point in my life. My anxiety has never been this bad up until this year I would say. This past year I have realized just how crippling my anxiety is and how my panic attacks really and truly affect myself and the ones I love. I am hoping that through writing, coloring, and meditating that I can really go within myself and start to dissect my past and finally let go and move on.

Physically I am going to exercise and fuel my body. Not only will working out better my mindset and release those much needed endorphins, but it’ll help me continue to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve come a long way from the young woman who used to restrict food and over exercise and I am happy to say that I love who and what I am now and now that I do, I am ready to really take care of my body. When the summer comes, I will strip away the wintery layers and show what I’ve accomplished and I cannot wait to reflect on all that I’ve learned about myself.

Loving yourself and committing to self-healing isn’t easy. Some days I don’t want to deal with my emotions and some days I really think that my jeans make me look fat, but I am human. Sometimes we forget that we won’t always have a positive outlook and that the little voice in our heads will get us down from time to time but, what matters is getting back up and continuing the fight to being a healthier and happier person.

I have learned so much since I started this blog back in 2013. When I first started here on WordPress I was a miserable human being. Drowning in my own depression and letting my eating disorder and body dysmorphia rule my life. Some days I still feel like that young girl just trying to find her way but, I know better and I am better. We constantly grow as human beings, always learning from what we do or don’t do, and becoming wiser as the years pass and it’s a beautiful thing to look back and see how we have flourished. Lately I’ve been pretty down and out, but when I look back and see the road I’ve walked on, I know that no matter what comes my way I’ll do the best that I can and learn what I can.

Finally, my finances are coming together.

Literally, I’ve never really stuck with a budget. I had my last hooray, got some new school digs, and a nifty fifty for my good ol’ Nikon, but I put some cash money in my savings, and put all the money I can spend per week while paying my bills and continuing to save, I’m proud of myself, really proud for sticking to my guns. Dealing with a shopping addiction is not eay, and I’m not perfect, whatsoever. I just have to take it one step at a time and take the good with the bad. Thank God for technology honestly, if I didn’t have all my finance apps and calendars, I would be literally broke, maybe even bankrupt (God forbid), I am lucky though, compared to most people and what they have to go through each day and that is what I have to remind myself each day is how lucky I am. 

So much self doubt today

I’m literally going out of my mind today. Work is so slow, leaving me to constantly think about all the things I’ve done wrong, or how I’m going to fall short in anything I try to do. I know that is dramatic, I’m a dramatic person, everything feels like the world is going to end or I’m going to die because I have a headache, I’ve never been a subtle person. I’m thinking a lot about the past two months and how happy I’ve been, I’ve also started to dig deep into feelings that I’ve sort of been putting on the side lines or replaced with a different emotion. I’m dealing with things that I’ve sort of dealt with but haven’t really until recently and that has been bringing me down most definitely. I sometimes regret the things I’ve said and done recently, most people have regrets but I try not to live in the past because that’s what it is, the past. I’ve hurt people, people I cared for greatly, and still care for, I’ve been selfish, but I also did what I had to do to better myself, to find myself, and for that I’m not sorry.

I’m getting nervous too about my photography, I see all these great pictures from some amateur and freelance photographers and I just shake my head, wondering if I’ll ever be good enough, but then I remember something wise that Tarah said to me the other day, “Don’t judge your beginning by somebody else’s middle”, those were some wise words, and that is something I need to start reminding myself. All photographers whether they are professional, or amateur all start at the same point, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m really hard on myself, I always have been, I start something and I usually don’t finish it because I tell myself that it isn’t good enough or that it is horrible, although I like to think of myself as a positive person, I am my own worst enemy and critic, I think that is something I really want to start working on, learning to let myself love the process of learning and doing and not giving up so quickly because it is hard or there are people out there with more experience than me because I know I can do well, I just need to apply myself and keep a positive mind. 

When life gets in the way

I feel that a lot of people say that “Life got in the way, that is why we haven’t spoke in a long time” or “Life prevented me from doing this or that” people just never take the fall for their own actions so it seems. I’ve used life as an excuse and sure, it is easy to blame our own faults on such a beautiful, timeless, and natural occurrence. It is as if we take our lives for granted, we don’t appreciated what it has to offer anymore and it is sad to think that as humans, we take advantage of the beauties that life gives us each day. I don’t like to preach because I have found that people tend to get annoyed when I remind them to be grateful for the simplicity in their life because there are those people in this world who can’t even do that because of poverty, government control, or inequality, along with other countless reasons. Why dwell on the little things that upset us? Why blame life for all of the misfortunes in our life when we are the ones who have the power to decide how we react to every situation. Life, is an opportunity to make something great of ourselves, why not take those necessary steps by realizing that we can’t control everything, nor should we. Being in control all the time is hard and is too much work, why not let life take the reins and just sit back, relax, and smile because you are alive, don’t use life as an excuse for bad behavior or obstacles that you are too afraid to face, man up, take the bull by the horns, and cut the bullshit.