Downtown Funk

I haven’t been myself the past week or so.  I’ve been so run down, tired, and agitated.  I strongly believe that I suffer from PMDD, because whenever Mother Nature decides to bless me with this week of sorrow and depression, I just feel like I’m in a rut of confusion and unhappiness all day and night.  Sometimes during this time I will have bursts of energy and happiness, but then there are moments when I’m so down and out I just feel so lost and helpless.  I’m trying to stay active to clear my mind and read inspiring quotes to remind me of my purpose every day.  I am nowhere near the place I was when I was eighteen years old, but I just feel really low, and that sucks.

It is tough to find balance in your life.  That is something I struggle with all the time, trying to find the middle between working full time, having a boyfriend, seeing friends, and time to myself.  There are days like today that I just miss my boyfriend and friends.  I wish I had more time to do things such as hanging with my loved ones or myself for that matter but life doesn’t work that way.  This world is ruled by money and although I love my job and coworkers, sometimes I just feel rundown, but that is something most adults feel.  I wouldn’t consider to be a full adult just yet, I don’t think I ever will to be honest and that is another aspect I’m trying to balance and figure out.

I feel like my brain is scrambled and I just can’t figure myself out right now but I am hopeful that maybe soon I can just calm my brain and breakdown what is giving me this anxiety.

Coffee talk

I love the smell of coffee, for me it is such a calming scent or more of an awakening scent I guess you could say.  I need that today, I am so tired mentally.  The past two nights I’ve been having dreams about my boyfriend, the first night was that he left me for some other broad and last night he forgot everything that has transpired between us since our first encounter last Halloween.  Both were heart-breaking dreams and they’ve really shattered my perspective on shit and that sucks.

My subconscious is putting these dreams into my brain and I’ve been trying to figure out why.  I’ve been playing moments over and over in my brain and even reflecting on past relationships to see if I can understand the underlying motive to these dreams.  I think that whenever I feel true feelings for someone I run away or sabotage my own happiness because I am afraid.  I’m afraid of everything, especially heartbreak because it was heartbreak that destroyed me and put me in that dark place that I feel that my mind has these defense mechanisms that make me end my relationships or find reasons to fight and ruin a good thing because I would much rather destroy my relationship and leave on my own terms than be left because being left and rejected is one of the hardest things to cope with.  I know that is shallow and selfish of me to admit but I truly love my guy.  He is the first person ever that I have truly loved and been in love with.  It is scary, being in love and the idea of that person leaving you for someone else or because they don’t love you anymore can put these types of dreams in your head.

I think these dreams or nightmares rather, are coming up is because this is the time that I usually run, before I am in over my head but too late, I already am.  I can feel how much I love my boyfriend, how much I trust him and care for him and I think my mind, body, and soul are finally realizing that this is my person and that I can’t keep thinking that it is going to fall a part because all of my other relationships have.  Those relationships fell apart so me and my person could find each other.  Never have I been with someone who loves and cares for me as deeply as he does and I am so thankful for that, but I am also fearful of losing him.  I can’t keep thinking like that though, I need to just stop thinking that everything good in my life is going to fall apart and that some big disaster is going to ruin my relationship.

These dreams are telling me that I need to fight every damn day for my relationship and never become comfortable or complacent.  That I need to tell him I love him and how grateful I am to have his love in my life because when you stop doing those little things, that’s when the relationship isn’t as special or meaningful anymore and I intend to work as hard as I can to make him happy and myself happy because relationships are a partnership and I am lucky to have such an amazing partner to call mine.

Where I am at

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

So, I decided not to go through with my membership at Weight Watchers.  At first I thought that maybe this is something for me, but when I went days without tracking or really getting into the groove of tracking I just knew in my gut it wasn’t for me. Some days I like to just go with how my body feels, while some other days I like to track what I’m eating whether it is calories or just jotting it down.  Many of my readers know that I am someone who changes what they do and like often, and I accept that.  Therefore, I need a “plan” that can work with that so, I’m my own plan.  I’m not going to fall into these fad diets and ways of losing weight, I’m just going to listen to my body and see what comes of that.

I signed up on the app Lose It! so if I want to track I can and if not, no biggie.  The interface of the app is beautiful and I really enjoy it.  I was on vacation the past nine days and probably gained five to ten pounds due to the overconsumption of alcohol and fried food, along with the fact that I didn’t exercise, but I don’t feel too bad about it because I truly relaxed and enjoyed myself and there is no harm in that.

My health isn’t that great though, due to my bad decisions I’ve been tired, cranky, bloated, and having some serious headaches and fatigue.  I know that the main reason is my gluten consumption over the past few months.  For those of you who don’t know, I recently got diagnosed with Celiac Disease this past spring so you would think that my mind and willpower would know better, guess not.  I sort of threw my hands up and told myself and others, “Screw this, I’m going to eat all the gluten I want and just deal with it” well, living with excruciating stomach pains, rashes, and mood swings is not the life I want to live so if I need to avoid gluten for the rest of my life well you bet your butt I’m going to do that.  When I was on my gluten free diet not only was I not bloated, but my anxiety levels dropped so much and my stomach pain ceased almost completely so I wonder, why did I decided just to give up? Why would I put myself through this?  I think maybe because it is expensive to eat gluten free, you don’t get to enjoy a nice beer (I love beer), and going out to eat just sucks, it makes you feel like crap about yourself and how you can’t eat anything.  But, my health is worth the mental struggle and I know there are restaurants and recipes I can find that will accommodate my disease. So, today is my day one back on the gluten free train.

I haven’t been writing as much either.  Obviously on here you can see that I’ve been neglectful of my blog and if you read my journals you can see that it has been months since I’ve picked those up as well.  I just haven’t had the motivation to write the last couple of months, but I’ve noticed that lately I’ve just decided to start writing with no destination and have come up with some decent ideas and good vibes so I think that these bumps in my road will smooth themselves out as I move forward.  This vacation and really letting loose has given me this new and exciting motivation.  We all go through the phases of being so focused and motivated then those droughts of sorrow and laziness and it happens, we deal with it, and as long as we keep moving forward that is all that counts in my opinion.

Weight Watchers Week One

Well here we are!  As promised I am here with an update on how my first full week of being on the Weight Watcher’s Points Plus system has been.

All week I’ve been tracking my food and making sure I’m active at least four days a week so I can keep my allowance points for my getaway to the Cape this weekend and I’ve been staying on track for the most part. However, on Wednesday I was just sort of bummed out, really slumming around and fell off the wagon towards the end of the day but I got right back on track soon after and have been kicking butt again.

What do I think of system? It is simple and easy to follow, points in and points out.  It can be a bit nerve racking to have to keep track of everything and making sure you stay within your points but I’ve found that being active and getting those active points really gives you some wiggle room to snack or have a beer or two.

I won’t lie, I am going to keep track of what goes in and out this weekend but if I slip or have too many beers I’m not going to worry about it. I think that this plan can be a sustainable way of losing weight because you aren’t cutting out carbs or fat or only eating 1,000 calories a day.  Weight Watchers encourages you to eat good foods such as fruits and veggies because they have zero points (besides potatoes, corn, and a few others).

I feel good, I am sleeping better, and I am actually enjoying this process.  I tried on bathing suits the other day and could see the difference in my waist then what it was a month ago.  I’ve been making good strides in the health department and I am confident that joining Weight Watchers was a step in the right direction.

A love like this

Have you ever met someone who just understands you completely? I have.

He is a pretty incredible human being, with all of my anxieties and unstable mind he accepts me, loves me, and just simply gets me and that is a beautiful thing.  I feel like I’ve waited my whole life to find someone like this, whether they were to be a lover or friend, I just wanted someone to look at me and see through me.  Although it was a scary thought, it has been such a rewarding thing to experience and have.

After my high school sweetheart earth shattering break up, I never thought I would find a love so strong ever again.  When I first met my current boyfriend, I didn’t expect my life or our relationship to lead me to where I am now.  I’m super thankful to have someone like that in my life, someone that lifts me up and not weigh me down.

We are going to the Cape this weekend and I was trying on bathing suits yesterday and many of you know I’ve been on a weight-loss journey for what seems like forever and have recently started Weight Watchers, so bathing suit shopping is not one of my favorite things to do. Anyways, I sent him pictures of different ones and some I felt great in and others made me feel like I should just wear a poncho and be done with it.  However, whether I liked how I looked or not, he supported me and told me how beautiful I was even if the bathing suit didn’t flatter me.  Although I wouldn’t have minded him being honest with me, it is nice to know that whether I am 120 pounds or 300, he will love me for me.

I am vowing myself that in this relationship I will be honest and true and never say, “nothing” if he asks me what is wrong.  In other relationships I wanted to be in control 100% of the time and it always led me to my downfall and especially the relationship’s downfall.  I refuse to sabotage my own happiness, especially one that makes me so happy and fills my heart with so much love and joy.