New Year’s Resolutions 

We all know this time of year very well. People start thinking of resolutions or goal for the new year to come.

For many, this goal is usually to lose weight. Gyms will start having their sign on specials, health websites will start having sales on supplement stacks, and fitness clothes will be all the new rage.

As for me, this has been my New Year’s Resolution as long as I can remember especially after a holiday season filled with so much food and pictures. Pictures that you see yourself in and think, “I just need to lose x amount of weight and I will be where I want to be, that picture is my motivation.”

I am going to tell you guys something very real about me. This morning, I went on Facebook and saw that my Mom had posted pictures from yesterday and saw myself in one. Mind you, I was wearing jeggings, an oversized sweater, and my hair was kind of messy (I sort of like it that way) but, when I looked at this photo I instantly thought, “I need to lose weight this coming year, I just can’t stand looking at myself in this picture.” After that thought had come and gone, I felt very disappointed in myself. Lately I have been working so hard on breaking away from “losing weight” mentality but, through this journey I have put my health on the back burner. Disclaimer: I do believe when breaking free from the dieting world it is essential to just let go and relax. If that means eating less nutritionally dense foods and skipping the gym, that is 100% okay! Some people need to do this to recover and this is what I did. However, due to this neglect when it came to my health these past few months, I have been extremely bloated and swollen due to the fact that I haven’t been getting hardly any fiber whatsoever and have really slacked on eating fruits and vegetables. I also haven’t been sweating out any of the toxins going into my body from eating some of these not-so nutritionally dense foods which at the time was okay (and still is of course!) but, I want to treat my body better.

So, here they are, my goals for 2016.

  • Eat more fiber: I need to get my digestive system back on track with proper health because I have Celiac Disease and if by chance I eat gluten, I need a healthy digestive system to help me get rid of it.
  • Sweat more: I don’t mean as in, “to count calories burned, etc..” but, so I can treat my body with respect and feel better mentally and physically, in the hopes that I can sleep better and wake up feeling more refreshed.
  • Do more yoga: I have been upping my yoga game a lot lately. I try to aim to do it at least two times a week but I would like to get to the 4-5 days a week seeing as the results have been incredible both mentally and physically and it has brought me so much happiness and peace.
  • Forgive myself more: You are your own worst critic in all aspects of life, especially if you are an ex-dieter you know this all too well. This year I really want to work on letting things go and not being so hard on myself all of the time. I need to remember that I am not a perfect human being because things happen, life throws obstacles in your way, and what counts is working to get past them, not beat yourself up about it.
  • Practice mindfulness: This is a huge goal of mine (also: none of these are in particular order) I am always rushing through life whether it be eating, driving, exploring, writing, and so many other things. I forget to appreciate the different sensations and my surroundings and I miss out. I want to see the world for what it is, I want to live in the present because the past is the past and the future hasn’t come yet.
  • Read more: This is my last goal but, I want to read more. Lately I have been making the effort to pick up a book rather than my Apple TV remote but, I want this effort to be much more significant in the new year.

It would be wrong of me to lie to you and say that losing weight didn’t cross my mind, of course it did! I’m an ex-dieter trying to find her way on this journey of self love and body acceptance but, I do want to treat my mind and body right because this is the only body I’ve got. I am happy that I have some goals not related to health because I find that this is an important step in diet recovery. When you have goals solely focused on health, it could appear that maybe subliminally your goals reflect the subconscious idea of losing weight and although those are not my intentions, I think it is important to point this out for those in diet recovery  trying to think of resolutions/goals for the new year.

When it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, don’t think too much on it. Close your eyes, envision yourself lets say…six months from now, where do you want to be? What goals could get you to the point? And choose those as your goals. For example, by practicing mindfulness, by six months I hope to not eat so quickly and truly enjoy my food, and to also drive slower seeing as I have a very long commute to work I always tend to drive like a maniac and I would like to slow the pace down and enjoy the views even if it is snow. Having an image of what you want your life to be can really help when choosing these resolutions. Meditate on it, I promise that with some stillness and relaxation, these goals will come to you.

Monday again

Alright, since I haven’t posted since last week here is an update of the last few days. 

Over the weekend I ate pretty intuitively but I find that I am more in tuned with my body and hunger cues when it’s not the weekend and when I’m not sitting in front of a television. It’s hard because I’m a midnight snacker and eating distracted prevents you from being in tune with your body so, going forward I am not eating in my room unless it’s portion sized and not an endless back of Veggie Straws because damn, I love those things so much! 

As far as my veggie like I was doing great until last night when we ordered Gluten Free pizza I wanted meat on one side for my boyfriend and the other without. Well, either I messed up the order or the pizza place did because there was so much meat everywhere since it was Philly cheesesteak so, needless to say my veggie morals were sort of out the window on that meal but overall I feel much better and have more energy. 

I even feel slimmer since deleting my calorie counting app. Not being consumed by a number and calories has really helped my mind relax and I’m picking healthy choices on my own which is so nice. 

My Misfit app for my Misfit Shine has an option to take pictures of your food to keep track without counting calories so I’m going to give that a try too just to see my consumption of goodies. 

I feel good and ready to really buckle down and get motivated for school which is starting next Monday, yikes! 

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend. 

Blah is the emotion of the day

I really hate when the day drags. Where it just feels like every minute is ten minutes passing by. It’s not that I’m not busy, it’s just I feel so tired and…yeah, tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Some days I feel so alive, bright, and happy. Other days I feel so blah, dismal, and frustrated with the world. People driving piss me off, people around me piss me off, hell, even I piss myself off. It’s just today is one of those days that I’m just over it. Like Bye Felicia I’m done with you. 

Lately I’ve just been feeling so lost especially in regards to my health and fitness goals. Just sort of working out and tracking my food but not really enjoying it, you know what I mean? I feel discourage and unorganized and that’s two things that I hate feeling. Being unorganized and discouraged means I don’t have control. But having control 24/7 isn’t healthy and that’s a thing I’ve been working on, not having control. 

I know I just need to let go and take a deep breath. That things will work out when they are meant to work out but, I’m seriously ready for today to be over. At least I get to see my man and get ice cream, ice cream makes everything better, am I right? 

Where to start..

The last few days I’ve just been sort of in a haze. I feel like this shell of a body, nothing really inside, just aimlessly walking the surface of this Earth. I don’t really feel anything, I just feel content. Not happy, not really sad. I go through my moments of feeling one way or the other but I do not linger. Lingering on emotions that will only bring you down is not worth it, you are your number one. It is hard to remember that though, especially when your emotions are misguided. This fog casted over me has made it hard to see, hard to grasp reality but it is starting to slowly become clear. I know that life has a funny way of playing things out and sometimes it is unclear of what will come but it is important that we hold onto to hope. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning with things consistently crashing around me but I take each downfall and learn something from it, therefore attempting to find the silver lining. There are so many ways to deal with disappointment, you can dwell on it and beat yourself up, or you can rise above it and be thankful for the experience. It still breaks your heart to feel the twinge of regret, but living in the past will not change the present or future. I can be wise sometimes, I know that I have the tools to live a positive and fulfilled life and I’ve come a long way, but I do doubt myself often. Am I doing the right thing for myself? Will this action make me happy? I don’t always have the right answers and I make uninformed decisions often, but I am always learning. I’m frustrated with my past actions, I am paying greatly for those but I refuse to let it bury me alive. I refuse to give up and I will be damned if I don’t succeed in life.

Jess goes gluten free: day 2

Merry Christmas Eve readers!

Today is day two of me being without gluten in my diet. I went back to the grocery store and picked up a few more things like fruits and veggies along with some gluten free snacks. I’ve been feeling pretty good so far I guess, I know that it takes at least a month for gluten to leave your body. I can’t get over how expensive gluten free crap is. I was looking at pizzas because pizza is my favorite food ever and they were literally $8-$12, like damn, I’m not going to pay THAT for a damn pizza. I think what I’m going to do when I have a free chunk of time I’m going to make a gluten free cookbook of simple and healthy recipes I can do that are tasty and obviously beneficial to my health.

Tonight I will be going to my grandmother’s house and I’m a little nervous about the food and whether or not I’ll be able to eat anything but I’m sure I can make something work. I’ve been eating throughout the day so if there isn’t a whole lot I can eat at least I won’t be starving. I made these AWESOME gluten free french fries with garlic powder and a bit of salt and dang, those were so delicious even more so than McDonalds and I love me some Mickey-Ds. I also went out to breakfast with my friend Jesenia and asked the waitress if their hash and home fries were gluten free and they were, score! I’m hopeful that I’m not going to become discouraged and go back to eating gluten. If making this change truly helps me I would be a fool not to at least give it a try for awhile to know for sure.

I’m really excitied to see where this goes and if it really helps witth my mental and physical health. I see bright things for 2015, I see a healthy and happy life filled with positivity.

Finally, my finances are coming together.

Literally, I’ve never really stuck with a budget. I had my last hooray, got some new school digs, and a nifty fifty for my good ol’ Nikon, but I put some cash money in my savings, and put all the money I can spend per week while paying my bills and continuing to save, I’m proud of myself, really proud for sticking to my guns. Dealing with a shopping addiction is not eay, and I’m not perfect, whatsoever. I just have to take it one step at a time and take the good with the bad. Thank God for technology honestly, if I didn’t have all my finance apps and calendars, I would be literally broke, maybe even bankrupt (God forbid), I am lucky though, compared to most people and what they have to go through each day and that is what I have to remind myself each day is how lucky I am. 

Why now?

Why am I feeling all of this now, shouldn’t this have come months ago? Why did I mask these emotions with anger and stubbornness, why didn’t I just look at the situation for what is was and made it better. Why didn’t I just accept how I was feeling and fix it, rather than lock it up in Pandora’s box, because it is here, I am feeling, and it won’t stop. I guess you could say this is my karma, it is finally here and I don’t know what to do, I have no idea how to deal with these feelings, I’m pissed, empty, and broken, I thought I was okay, I thought that everything was going to be fine, but it is evident that it’s not. I know I can move on from this and be okay because in some retrospect I am, I am still happy and motivated, but there is something missing, and I’m not quite sure what it is. I need to learn to deal with my feelings better and learn to not mask them with other rash emotions. I’m sick of everyone, literally everyone, I just want to be alone for awhile, and collect myself. 

So much self doubt today

I’m literally going out of my mind today. Work is so slow, leaving me to constantly think about all the things I’ve done wrong, or how I’m going to fall short in anything I try to do. I know that is dramatic, I’m a dramatic person, everything feels like the world is going to end or I’m going to die because I have a headache, I’ve never been a subtle person. I’m thinking a lot about the past two months and how happy I’ve been, I’ve also started to dig deep into feelings that I’ve sort of been putting on the side lines or replaced with a different emotion. I’m dealing with things that I’ve sort of dealt with but haven’t really until recently and that has been bringing me down most definitely. I sometimes regret the things I’ve said and done recently, most people have regrets but I try not to live in the past because that’s what it is, the past. I’ve hurt people, people I cared for greatly, and still care for, I’ve been selfish, but I also did what I had to do to better myself, to find myself, and for that I’m not sorry.

I’m getting nervous too about my photography, I see all these great pictures from some amateur and freelance photographers and I just shake my head, wondering if I’ll ever be good enough, but then I remember something wise that Tarah said to me the other day, “Don’t judge your beginning by somebody else’s middle”, those were some wise words, and that is something I need to start reminding myself. All photographers whether they are professional, or amateur all start at the same point, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m really hard on myself, I always have been, I start something and I usually don’t finish it because I tell myself that it isn’t good enough or that it is horrible, although I like to think of myself as a positive person, I am my own worst enemy and critic, I think that is something I really want to start working on, learning to let myself love the process of learning and doing and not giving up so quickly because it is hard or there are people out there with more experience than me because I know I can do well, I just need to apply myself and keep a positive mind.