New Year’s Resolutions 

We all know this time of year very well. People start thinking of resolutions or goal for the new year to come.

For many, this goal is usually to lose weight. Gyms will start having their sign on specials, health websites will start having sales on supplement stacks, and fitness clothes will be all the new rage.

As for me, this has been my New Year’s Resolution as long as I can remember especially after a holiday season filled with so much food and pictures. Pictures that you see yourself in and think, “I just need to lose x amount of weight and I will be where I want to be, that picture is my motivation.”

I am going to tell you guys something very real about me. This morning, I went on Facebook and saw that my Mom had posted pictures from yesterday and saw myself in one. Mind you, I was wearing jeggings, an oversized sweater, and my hair was kind of messy (I sort of like it that way) but, when I looked at this photo I instantly thought, “I need to lose weight this coming year, I just can’t stand looking at myself in this picture.” After that thought had come and gone, I felt very disappointed in myself. Lately I have been working so hard on breaking away from “losing weight” mentality but, through this journey I have put my health on the back burner. Disclaimer: I do believe when breaking free from the dieting world it is essential to just let go and relax. If that means eating less nutritionally dense foods and skipping the gym, that is 100% okay! Some people need to do this to recover and this is what I did. However, due to this neglect when it came to my health these past few months, I have been extremely bloated and swollen due to the fact that I haven’t been getting hardly any fiber whatsoever and have really slacked on eating fruits and vegetables. I also haven’t been sweating out any of the toxins going into my body from eating some of these not-so nutritionally dense foods which at the time was okay (and still is of course!) but, I want to treat my body better.

So, here they are, my goals for 2016.

  • Eat more fiber: I need to get my digestive system back on track with proper health because I have Celiac Disease and if by chance I eat gluten, I need a healthy digestive system to help me get rid of it.
  • Sweat more: I don’t mean as in, “to count calories burned, etc..” but, so I can treat my body with respect and feel better mentally and physically, in the hopes that I can sleep better and wake up feeling more refreshed.
  • Do more yoga: I have been upping my yoga game a lot lately. I try to aim to do it at least two times a week but I would like to get to the 4-5 days a week seeing as the results have been incredible both mentally and physically and it has brought me so much happiness and peace.
  • Forgive myself more: You are your own worst critic in all aspects of life, especially if you are an ex-dieter you know this all too well. This year I really want to work on letting things go and not being so hard on myself all of the time. I need to remember that I am not a perfect human being because things happen, life throws obstacles in your way, and what counts is working to get past them, not beat yourself up about it.
  • Practice mindfulness: This is a huge goal of mine (also: none of these are in particular order) I am always rushing through life whether it be eating, driving, exploring, writing, and so many other things. I forget to appreciate the different sensations and my surroundings and I miss out. I want to see the world for what it is, I want to live in the present because the past is the past and the future hasn’t come yet.
  • Read more: This is my last goal but, I want to read more. Lately I have been making the effort to pick up a book rather than my Apple TV remote but, I want this effort to be much more significant in the new year.

It would be wrong of me to lie to you and say that losing weight didn’t cross my mind, of course it did! I’m an ex-dieter trying to find her way on this journey of self love and body acceptance but, I do want to treat my mind and body right because this is the only body I’ve got. I am happy that I have some goals not related to health because I find that this is an important step in diet recovery. When you have goals solely focused on health, it could appear that maybe subliminally your goals reflect the subconscious idea of losing weight and although those are not my intentions, I think it is important to point this out for those in diet recovery  trying to think of resolutions/goals for the new year.

When it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, don’t think too much on it. Close your eyes, envision yourself lets say…six months from now, where do you want to be? What goals could get you to the point? And choose those as your goals. For example, by practicing mindfulness, by six months I hope to not eat so quickly and truly enjoy my food, and to also drive slower seeing as I have a very long commute to work I always tend to drive like a maniac and I would like to slow the pace down and enjoy the views even if it is snow. Having an image of what you want your life to be can really help when choosing these resolutions. Meditate on it, I promise that with some stillness and relaxation, these goals will come to you.

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A Better Ending….

This morning was not a good morning for me. I had a binging episode and was debating whether or not to post on here what I binged on. Oh, and my Mom heard me opening and closing the cabinets so when I brought it up to her later on she sighed and said, “I know honey, I’m sorry…I heard the cabinets and I figured that’s what was going on.”

I didn’t know whether or not to be embarrassed or relieved that I didn’t have to hide my addiction from her. Although my mother has known for a long time about my eating disorder we don’t normally touch upon it, and if we do she gives the best advice she can. It’s hard for me to explain to her that food is MY addiction just how cigarettes are HER addiction. When I put it into that sort of light for her she understands, but sometimes no, all the time I feel alone in my eating disorder/addiction. It is hard to grasp the fact that eating can be an addiction in the first place.

However, I turned my day around…after moping for about three hours I decided to make my day somewhat productive. I vacuumed and dusted my room and put the final touches on my desk. Following my room I FINALLY after six months cleaned out my trunk of clothes, bags, and sand…from the beach. I feel that since I was productive in the rest of my day I made it worth it to not mope on the couch. I look back at how I was feeling earlier and how it is so PATHETIC that I let myself get to that point. Why do I get into that dark place where I hate myself so much that I let my addiction of food take over? It just makes me worse after so what is the point in the first place? I’ll tell you. Food is not only my comfort but my binges have become habit…such as smoking cigarettes for my mother. It comes to a point where I can’t live without my binges. By figuring this out I have purchased “Brain Over Binge” it is a self help book which gives you insight on how to quit the binging habit….I’ll let you know how it is when I’m actually done with it.

So, while writing this I’ve decided to list all of the things I ate during my binge today…I’ve never done this before and I am BEYOND embarrassed right now but I know that to move forward I have to punch my addiction in the face…here goes nothing.

– Pizza (2 slices)

– Cereal (1 big  bowl)

– Brownie (2)

– Nilla Waffers (too many to count..)

– Peanut Butter (Oh, I’m sorry did you want any peanut butter? Oh…that half of container is gone…my bad..)

To be honest after I wrote this down I looked at it…felt sick…felt awful…and wanted to cry a little but I’m also relieved that I let it out and held myself accountable for it…it really makes me see how much I am hurting myself with these emotional/habitual episodes of binging. I’d like to start a binge challenge for myself and anyone else who wants to join…every day that I am binge free I’m going to make a blog post about it…it may not be a long post but it is just a reminder to myself that I CAN be binge free.

Thanks to all of you who respond to my posts and truly share this struggle with me and keep pushing me, you are all fantastic.

 

“Well Hello, Social Anxiety…nice to meet you?”

Throughout my life I’ve always been worried that people are judging me. Being bullied I was judged…my weight was judged…my hair was judged…me as a person was judged.

That was over five years ago and I’m almost twenty years old…I shouldn’t be worried what people think right? I shouldn’t assumed that people are looking at me in a negative light right? wrong.

Big parties or groups of people that I don’t know I tend to feel VERY over-whelmed and almost have a panic attack because I feel like I’m the “fat” girl or the “ugly” girl. But, when I’m with my own friends and in my comfort zone I am VERY confident and content. I feel as if I should impress everyone and anyone when in reality I shouldn’t care.

I wish I didn’t…but I do.

I am PETRIFIED of pretty girls and good looking guys because I feel as if they’ll look at me and bully me or judge me because that’s all I’ve ever know..I don’t know how to over come this. I know I should be more confident in who I am and what I have to offer but I feel as if it’s my body that I am ashamed of. I mean, I know I don’t look AWFUL in a bathing suit and I have nice features but I know that you see yourself differently than what other people see.

When I look in the mirror I typically see someone who needs to lose a couple extra pounds and someone who is unhealthy.

Then, people I know say I have such a fit body and how I look so awesome but I am still nervous and almost “ashamed”.

It is so sad that I feel this way and I wish I didn’t. I work on it every day and I know I’ll over come it just right now is not that time…