I’ve been away & My experience with a Beachbody Coach

Hello readers,

I’m so happy to be back writing on here seeing as I’ve been MIA forever.  I’ve been doing my Tumblr thing and just writing here and there but I’m back for good.  I missed actually writing and people actually reading what I had to say.  So I passed all of my finals and got my associates degree, woohoo!  I started a new job (same company just a new position) and couldn’t be happier.  I work full time now so that is a little hard to get used too, but I am waking up at 5am just fine and getting my work done!

Moving onto my experience with a Beachbody Coach, for those of you who don’t know what Beachbody is, it is a fitness and healthy company that produces workout DVDs such as P90x, Insanity, and the 21 Day Fix along with their shake called Shakeology and other “nutritious” food options. Recently I created a fitness IG (if you want to follow me my username is jaeysjourney), on my IG journey I have “met” some incredibly healthy and inspiring people.  I was approached by this pretty young lady, we will call her Alice, and she started to tell me about how she coaches people and helps them better themselves for free and I thought wow..that is a good deal.  Getting into it more she started to ask me about who I am and what not and then soon after she asked me if I wanted to join her challenge on Facebook. However, to join I would have to pay $140 dollars for this shake called Shakeology and this plan called the 21 Day Fix. Well, I know that these are Beachbody products and I thought to myself why wouldn’t she just say she is a Beachbody coach? Probably because Beachbody is a damn pyramid scheme but at the time I didn’t know better and I thought why not, wouldn’t hurt to give these products a try and I know some people who love them.  I order my 21 Day Fix and soon after Alice asks me if I want to be a part of this “Coaches Sneak Peak” group to learn about coaching.  I didn’t know what it entailed and not that I really wanted to be a coach but I was curious so I signed up.  Right away she starts talking about not “selling” these products but showing the customer that they NEED them.  Everything she had to say just reminded me of how much I hate sales and it is clear that she and her “team” are  more focused on the commission rather than actually helping people.

I ended up finishing the videos and realized that I did NOT want to support this company or this woman. She appeared to be genuine but ended up being a sales chaser, like okay lady, I have two years of sales experience and I HATE sales, let me repeat, I HATE SALES.  I was disappointed to say the least but I just couldn’t justify buying these products from her so I told her that I had to return what I bought and that I already got the refund process going through Beachbody’s website well, let me tell you the attitude came out of dear Alice slowly but surely.  At first she was a bit bitter then offered me a job as a coach under her so I can make extra money and when I kindly told her no that I wasn’t interested she said that I wasn’t making enough out of myself and that she will find better candidates to take her offer.  I promise you I wasn’t offended.  I am 21 years old, work full time, have an associates degree, and I am a photographer.  I don’t need someone to tell me my worth whatsoever. I have come a long way as many of my readers know and what someone has to say about me or think about me does NOT define me.

After that fiasco I was sad because I know lately I’ve been slacking on my food tracking and motivation and I just wanted SOMETHING other than calorie counting to hold me accountable and help me keep track of my food intake.  I follow this incredible young woman named Amanda Tyson (IG: Amandaleetyson please go follow her!) she just started Weight Watchers Online Plus plan and seriously raves about it and how flexible it is.  This is where I fail during the week: I’m usually spot on with all my food and workouts but come the weekends I don’t know how to treat myself without over-indulging and ruining my progress.  Well, WW has these plus points that you can use to treat yourself throughout the week or weekend which will definitely help me find that balance. Also, fruits and veggies are freebies I don’t have to worry about eating a banana or too many strawberries because they are added to my point allowance already! I thought that was pretty neat.

I’m trying it out and I’m eager to see how it will work for me, it syncs with my Fitbit Charge HR and as I get more active throughout the day or when I exercise it adds points for me to eat so I’m not starving myself.  I will do an update a week from tomorrow to tell you how WW Online and me are getting along.

I’m so happy to be back and to share my life with you all again.

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Muscle gains and mental struggles

Losing weight, no one wants to put the effort in because it isn’t easy and believe me, there are some days I don’t want to go to the gym or eat a salad instead of cheese puffs but, I’ve made a lot of progress since my first diet bet in the beginning of December. I’ve been hitting the gym consistently and seeing myself shrink slowly but surely. On the weekends I’ve been going a little crazy and some nights during the week I pig out while watching Netflix but I’m getting a handle on it and overall I’ve made a big improvement compared to how my habits were two months ago. I haven’t weighed myself in about three weeks, I don’t really care too much about it because I’m lifting weights and eating protein so I’m making those muscle gains! I’ve never really had biceps before and they are starting to peek out, along with my manly awesome tricep muscles. I am curious though seeing that I weighed 150 pounds at the end of November and last time I weighed myself I was 142, yippie! I’ve definitely fluctuated due to the gluten free Domino’s pizza and margaritas, but I’m enjoying life and not depriving myself. I do want to really try to clean my diet up more and save my splurges for one night per week rather than three. I want to be the best I can be and I know I can achieve the results I am seeking with hard work. It feels good to wear clothes that didn’t fit me for a long time. I haven’t been this size in well over a year and I’m proud of my progress thus far and I don’t plan on stopping. 2015 is going to be my year I’m going to achieve the things I’ve always wanted to achieve. I’m not going to hold myself back any longer.

The last week or so I’ve been struggling with my anxiety. I find that around the time that my lady friend comes to visit me each month my mental health just crumbles to the ground and I’m just stepping all over the broken pieces. I’ll have my moments of feeling inspired and happy, then in a instant I’m shoved into a dark corner that I can’t seem to get out of. I know a lot of my anxiety has to do with insecurity and anxiousness when it comes to my relationships whether they are personal or professional. I am constantly doubting myself and creating these horrific scenarios in my brain to the point where I’m in tears and have no clue what’s real and what isn’t. I think that is probably the most frustrating thing about having anxiety is the made up truths that it creates in your brain. My anxiety toys with these horrible ideas and manipulates them so many times that I’ll start to believe whatever it tells me whether its my friends hate me or I suck at my job or I’m a terrible person in general and sometimes I see those things as the truth when my normal brain knows that it’s not. I try to sit there in my room inside my head and tell myself not to listen to my anxiety and to my irrational thoughts. I do put my best effort into putting an end to those negative notions but sometimes I don’t win. I am overtaken by the darkness and it swallows me whole. Meditation has helped a lot along with yoga, and writing always seems to give me some sort of perspective and I am thankful for that. I am thankful that I don’t just give up on myself but the effect that my anxiety has on my life is going to ruin my relationships if I don’t get a better understanding of it. I am constantly learning about myself and how my brain works, I just hope that the pieces fall together quickly and I can finally have a break from this mental torment.

Worried

Throughout my life I’ve always wanted to try new things such as hobbies. In grade school I wanted to join the sketching club, I didn’t think of myself as a bad artist and I thought this could be MY thing. I remember walking into the sketching club, run by my art teacher, and seeing all of these awesome drawings my classmates were hanging on the wall. I sat down, opened my notebook and started to sketch flowers, the kid next to me scrunched up his face and sneered, “That’s not how you hold a pencil when you sketch…” he laughed, and then walked away. I looked at my photo, the lines were harsh, not blended, and I always tend to grip my pens and pencils very tight so, the lines were intense compared to the sketches of my other classmates. I was so embarrassed, I went home and never went back to the sketching club because I just knew it wasn’t MY talent, even though I’m not half bad at drawing and with practice I bet it could have been something I loved to do, but my anxiety and embarrassment stopped me from pursing it. 

Then in middle school I wanted to play soccer, I had played when I was about seven when every child on the field runs after the ball rather than having offense and defense players, kids at that age are too young to understand strategy such as that. So, I thought, I know how to play soccer this will be easy, well, with my bum ankle that I broke when I was younger and never healed right I got discouraged, but I knew I could work around it. However, I then saw at practice all the girls who have been playing consistently for years, they had a groove, a natural talent, and here is me, the duck among the beautiful swans, kicking the ball in every wrong direction possible and making a COMPLETE fool of myself, hearing the laughs from my teammates completely broke me so, I went home, quit the soccer team, and never tried out for sports again. 

When I want to try something new, or try to find my “special talent” I try too hard, go too fast, and I give up because I don’t want to be judged or laughed at, I want to be praised and feel like this is something I am good at. My whole life I have been surrounded by people who were good at SOMETHING whether it was drawing, soccer, or what have you, I was always that person just hanging out. I know I’m good at things like singing (in the shower), cooking, I’m pretty knowledgeable in reference to the gym and nutrition, and I’m a half decent writer. I just, I don’t know, every time I wanted to put myself out there it ended with being laughed at and being put down by myself. I know a lot of this anguish is due to my history of being bullied and my own self doubt, but in my defense, it is also intimidating when you pick up something new and meet someone who is literally a genius in that subject or hobby and you are the newbie, the person who has yet to discover much about the said hobby and it is overwhelming, at least for me. But my new “hobby” is more than a hobby, much more than that, I think that is why I am terrified of falling short because it is something I love to do. 

With photography I am determined, yes, it has definitely overwhelmed me but, it is interesting how you can almost paint a beautiful piece of art through a lens. I love how the camera feels in my hands and how empowered I feel, so in control, it is like I am the artist and anything I see through the lens is my canvas and how I create the picture and capture the moment is the paint that puts it all together. Although I won’t be a pro overnight, I am motivated to learn because I’ve never felt this connected towards something, it is like an addiction, holding the camera, thinking of different pictures I can take, and putting it all together just makes me feel so fulfilled and happy. It probably sounds crazy, but when I think to myself, “OH! I can go here and take a picture of this really cool thing, no wait! I can go to the beach and take pictures of the sunset, etc…” that in itself gives me great happiness, I get to stimulate my brain and put together these pieces of a puzzle, I get to challenge myself and push my mind to ideas that I may have never thought of before and I dig that, a lot. I’m just always nervous of falling short or making myself look like a fool, I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful but it is easy to let the past creep up on you and influence your mind set. Moving forward I’m just going to keep going through the motions, I know there will be times where I feel discouraged, but there will also be those moments where I take a great picture and I can be proud of myself for that. Either way, I know I’m moving in the right direction, as long as I continue to be motivated and eager to learn, I know I will be okay.

And so it begins…

Our plans to go hiking today fell apart because my car decided to fall a part last night, I was looking forward to cleansing my mind and now I’m stuck in my house with nothing to do. All I want to do is just take all this bullshit out of my head and relax and not worry about what life is going to throw at me next. I’ve been doing well at avoiding that idea, the idea that life purposely throws shit at me but today I’m in one of those moods and mindsets, but it is okay because everyone gets down in the dumps, I know it is normal, I’m just bummed I can’t go hiking today, but that won’t stop be from writing or taking pictures, even if they are all of my dog.

Jer wants me to watch this video that goes along with my Nikon D3200, maybe I’ll watch that so I can learn more about my camera and please him. I should probably take notes too because my mind tends to wander and forget, but I think because I am very interested in photography and connect with it, my attention span should be on point, if it was about math though, my attention would be out of the window.

If Dad lets me borrow the truck, maybe I’ll hit the gym tomorrow if my car isn’t done for tomorrow. I think that would really benefit me and my mindset, get me out of this rut. I am determined to have a good and productive weekend, maybe I’ll douche my room and go through all the clutter, maybe move some furniture around, that always makes me happy.

I also wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to all of you who have left such kind comments on my blog since I started it over a year ago, it truly touches my heart to know that y’all care about what I have to say and have almost grown with me, thank you again, so much.

The Game of Life

The last few nights I’ve had a lot on my mind, I can’t fall asleep and my mind is racing. I have so many emotions that have come up and it is mentally weighing me down, I’m trying to grab hold to the happiness I’ve discovered and continue to be positive but everyone is entitled to a bad day right?

My heart is beating, there is air in my lungs, and I’m alive, I should be grateful and I am, for the most part. I just wish I could have a day that I could just turn off my emotions, forget about the world for a day and regroup in a more positive manner. Sometimes I feel like I am at a dead end and have nowhere to turn, but then, there is something that always takes me by surprise.

I don’t like feeling like I need a reset button or a get out of your head free card for a day, it’s just…sometimes I get scared that I will go back to that person who started this blog, back to the person who hated life, emotion, and themselves. I don’t EVER want to go back because If I go back…I’m afraid I’ll never leave that dark, scary, hopeless place again. I like to think that I won’t because in actuality, I am a different person than who I was before, I am more positive and bright but, my depression does come back around every now and again and toys with me, it toys with my emotions and leaves me questioning every feeling I have and why I am here in this crazy life, although I know and have realized that at some point in time I will figure out what I am meant to do, my anxiety likes to remind me of the fear of the unknown. However, I’ve embraced that unknown, I am much stronger now than I was two years ago and I can fight through any obstacle my mind or life puts in place. It might be difficult right now, but through hard work and positivity, I know I can overcome this, it is just a matter of time, right?