Muscle gains and mental struggles

Losing weight, no one wants to put the effort in because it isn’t easy and believe me, there are some days I don’t want to go to the gym or eat a salad instead of cheese puffs but, I’ve made a lot of progress since my first diet bet in the beginning of December. I’ve been hitting the gym consistently and seeing myself shrink slowly but surely. On the weekends I’ve been going a little crazy and some nights during the week I pig out while watching Netflix but I’m getting a handle on it and overall I’ve made a big improvement compared to how my habits were two months ago. I haven’t weighed myself in about three weeks, I don’t really care too much about it because I’m lifting weights and eating protein so I’m making those muscle gains! I’ve never really had biceps before and they are starting to peek out, along with my manly awesome tricep muscles. I am curious though seeing that I weighed 150 pounds at the end of November and last time I weighed myself I was 142, yippie! I’ve definitely fluctuated due to the gluten free Domino’s pizza and margaritas, but I’m enjoying life and not depriving myself. I do want to really try to clean my diet up more and save my splurges for one night per week rather than three. I want to be the best I can be and I know I can achieve the results I am seeking with hard work. It feels good to wear clothes that didn’t fit me for a long time. I haven’t been this size in well over a year and I’m proud of my progress thus far and I don’t plan on stopping. 2015 is going to be my year I’m going to achieve the things I’ve always wanted to achieve. I’m not going to hold myself back any longer.

The last week or so I’ve been struggling with my anxiety. I find that around the time that my lady friend comes to visit me each month my mental health just crumbles to the ground and I’m just stepping all over the broken pieces. I’ll have my moments of feeling inspired and happy, then in a instant I’m shoved into a dark corner that I can’t seem to get out of. I know a lot of my anxiety has to do with insecurity and anxiousness when it comes to my relationships whether they are personal or professional. I am constantly doubting myself and creating these horrific scenarios in my brain to the point where I’m in tears and have no clue what’s real and what isn’t. I think that is probably the most frustrating thing about having anxiety is the made up truths that it creates in your brain. My anxiety toys with these horrible ideas and manipulates them so many times that I’ll start to believe whatever it tells me whether its my friends hate me or I suck at my job or I’m a terrible person in general and sometimes I see those things as the truth when my normal brain knows that it’s not. I try to sit there in my room inside my head and tell myself not to listen to my anxiety and to my irrational thoughts. I do put my best effort into putting an end to those negative notions but sometimes I don’t win. I am overtaken by the darkness and it swallows me whole. Meditation has helped a lot along with yoga, and writing always seems to give me some sort of perspective and I am thankful for that. I am thankful that I don’t just give up on myself but the effect that my anxiety has on my life is going to ruin my relationships if I don’t get a better understanding of it. I am constantly learning about myself and how my brain works, I just hope that the pieces fall together quickly and I can finally have a break from this mental torment.

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No Motivation

I find it frustrating how up and down my motivation is. I guess that is normal and many people can relate to that idea but lately I’ve been slacking in terms of going to the gym and when I do go I’ll do some cardio for a half an hour and get tired and leave. That is SO not like me AT ALL. I am that person who wants to push and get pushed in a workout. I think because I’m dealing with getting ready for my trip I’ve been exhausted, literally, I’m so tired and all out of my wits. I’m barely eating during the day and then when I get home Lexi and I go out or whatever. I mean, in the big scheme of things I’m not putting on weight at all because I’m doing this but it is SO unhealthy! I usually LOVE waking up hungry and making something to eat but lately it is like I’m not hungry until it is six o’clock at night and even then it is a struggle.

I seriously think it is stress and anxiety that is making me not hungry at all and unmotivated because I’m not eating as much my energy is super low. I hate it, I absolutely hate living this way, so unhealthy! I know this all too that is the sad thing, I know that I should be eating more often and not waiting till the end of the day because that is where the binge monster lives, the binge monster likes to come out and play at that time because it knows that it can scare me and win.

I need to find a solution to my problem.

Life is like a roller coaster

Hey all,

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a little. Lots of things have been happening like, my temp contract not getting renewed at work, Lexi is on vacation so this week I’m finishing up my last week at my job, writing a research paper on the Watergate Scandal, and doing a whole bunch of stuff before the end of the semester.

My diet hasn’t been too great. I mean, I’ve been slacking in terms of tracking, but recently I reflected back on the macros that Krissy Mae Cagney gave to me a few months ago (my weight hasn’t changed much so they are still the same) and also am starting her  “Intro to Weightlifting” program (I’ve had it for some time but haven’t started it), even though I know my way around the gym in terms of equiptment, exercises, and form knowledge, I just never know how to pair muscle groups together and all that technical hooplah.

I’m really excited because it is four days a week and I can add in my cardio anytime I wish to. I think I’m going to start doing cardio on the row machine to really burn some fat! Today I REALLY hit my macros (so far!) and I even got to eat one of my favorite things, a strawberry frosted donut! It is really awesome to read Krissy’s flexible dieting ebook because she really shows you that you don’t need to restrict yourself and look at food as the enemy, but more so being mindful of everything you put into your body. I’ve never been keen on moderation because with my BED I never knew what that was, but hopefully I can train myself to love all food, keep it in moderation, and still implement healthier foods and exercise!

Keeping motivation and being dilligent is so hard, especially when you deal with an eating disorder barking at you all the time. I WILL survive, I always have, but I will beat ED, I will beat the voice in my head that is my eating disorder and I will show it whose the boss.

Whole30 failure, not really a failure but a realization.

Hey all,

As you all know I’ve been doing the Whole30 this past week. I failed miserably but I do not look at myself as a failure or that I failed. It was a trial with some error and I just figured out that Paleo wasn’t for me. Figuring out what works best for you takes time, sure, I’m a little dissappointed because I’ve heard of great results from it but, I’m not going to put all of my eggs in one basket. Howevever, in my opinon when it comes to losing weight, you need to keep track of what you eat. I am not a fan of counting calories but I am a somewhat fan of counting macronutrients (carbohydrates, protein, and fat).

For awhile I was against counting anything, probably because I wasn’t educated much on it. However, I’ve been reading and learning and I knew that for me anyway I have to count SOMETHING in order to keep myself and eating in check. I knew that calories was out of the question primarily because it can be obsessive, especially for someone who has an eating disorder. For weight loss or fat loss, your protein should NOT be 1g per body weight! That is typically used for bulking or maintaing. For weight loss/fat loss it should be .8g per body weight so for me, (I am not a registered dietician or fitness professional, this information is from my own research and knowledge) I’m 153lbs my protein intake should be 120g per day. I get this through lean meats, protein powders, peanut butter in moderation, and light cheese sticks which also help with my fat intake.

On a reflective note, because I felt restricted and out of control (not like WOAHHHH out of control but like, I couldn’t choose what I wanted to eat or, I couldn’t eat a light cheese stick or a rice cake if I wanted because it was a grain or dairy) but anyways, I threw my hands up the other night at Friendly’s because I was hungry, just got out of a workout, and felt restricted so I got loaded waffles fries, mini cheesebruger sliders, mozzarella sticks, (create your own munchie mania always gets me, damn you Friendly’s Resturants!), and a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Friendz. It was all so delicious and it filled my belly but I paid for it and still am. So, I took a step back and restarted my Whole30, then yesterday I piged out on chocolate chips, peanut butter, and potato chips because I felt like I was restricting myself.

This is why I cannot follow meal plans, or strict guidelines or a fad diet. I need to be in charge of what goes in and out of my mouth because that creates triggering feelings in referene to my eating disorder if I don’t contrust my own meal plans and guidelines. Call me a control freak but making your own success makes it all worth it. I’m not ashamed that I didn’t finish the Whole30, I learned a lot in terms of good foods, bad foods, and everything in between. I take it as a learning experience and it just reassured me that a Paleo lifestyle isn’t for me and that is okay! I’m still going to train hard, eat good, and feel good because I know I’m doing what is best for me.

Chicken Noodle Soup and Lifting

I’m sitting here at work eating my chicken noodle soup and devising a work out plan for my session tonight at the gym.

I see all of these women jacked and lean by lifting weights. I’ve read Bee Rules of Lifting for Women but I’ve yet to actually grasp the lifting routines. I get that you use heavier weights and less reps but how many sets do I do? I still want to do cardio so do I do that also?

Exercise has always been a mind rattling concept that I always have to have a plan for.

This chicken noodle soup is really good though, and the weather is perfect so I guess I can’t really complain right? I’ve been trying to look on the bright side more often and just accept my flaws and accept the things I can’t change. Like the serenity prayer says “Accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.” I think that’s how it goes…

If any female bloggers read this and lift I’d really appreciate some insight! And for those of you just perusing through WordPress, you’re awesome and keep being you.