3.3.16: resolutions, NEDA & happiness

I love March for many reasons, one being that this month Chris and I have been together for a whole year and it has been one of the greatest of my life! Also, March means the end of winter. Although I live in New England and we have gotten snow in March and April, I am really hoping that history doesn’t repeat itself because I am ready for spring, warmer weather, a nice breeze, and sunshine.

Going through some of my more recent posts I re-read my New Year’s resolutions and I wanted to give an update on that:

Have I been sweating more? Yes and no. I haven’t been as consistent as I would like but, I am finding new exercises that I really enjoy or rather, rediscovering exercises that I really like such as: taking outside walks, cycling, and the stair climber. Finding exercises you like to do is crucial for a healthy relationship with your mind, body and soul. I did however, cancel my gym membership because I have access to a free gym at work but, it does kind of stink that I don’t have a place to workout on the weekends or when I’m on vacation but, that’ll motivate me to get my ass outside more!

I also noted that I wanted to do more yoga well, during that time I was actually practicing almost everyday but, lately not so much. I’ve gone to some classes near my house but, I’ve really neglected my home practice. I was making a lot of progress with my flexibility and I was really excited about the results I was seeing however, I just am a lazy person a lot of the time I won’t lie! When I get home from work I just want to lay in my bed, read, make tea, and watch Netflix. It aggravates me that I am like this because yoga has been the biggest aid in my recovery and when I regularly practice I feel great! I just need to get my ass in gear and do it.

In regards to my resolution to read more: I am reading soooooooooooo much it is crazy and I love it. Reading more was a big resolution for me because I am TV kind of gal. Although I love to read, nothing beats watching some of my favorite shows after a long day but, I really have been on a roll with reading. I even have a Scribd subscription and get some library books on my Kindle Fire. I think in the past three months I have read about five books and I made a Goodreads account that you can find here  and you can add me as a friend and we can talk books.

I’m proud that I’ve actually stuck with a lot of my resolutions because typically I forget them all and never look back. 2016 has been really good to me so far and I am very very thankful. Happiness has never been this present in my whole entire life and I truly owe this happiness to my recovery. I never in a million years would’ve thought that I would be this comfortable and confident in the skin I am in. I won’t lie to you though, there are some days I really struggle, I want to lose weight, be skinnier and fitter, and change how I look but, I remind myself that changing the outside won’t change how I feel on the inside and if I am feeling a negative way about my body, there is something internal that I need to reflect on and I do.

This journey isn’t easy and there are many bumps in the road but, seeing as this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week, I think it is important to reflect on where we started, where we are now, and how we cope when struggles arise in our recovery. I think for me, one of the biggest things I’ve been struggling with is just being my natural self. I love makeup and a good outfit because I feel empowered, confident, sexy, and just totally revolutionized whereas when I am wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with no makeup on – I definitely feel more self conscious and I’d like to work on that. So, I have decided not to wear makeup everyday and to start embracing my natural beauty. I think too, I’m not the best when it comes to skincare – I am very content with using a makeup wipe and hitting the pillow so, I think by doing this it’ll get me on a regular skin care regimen. Honest Beauty has free trials of their skincare products which range from dry to oily with balanced in between and it comes with a cleanser, moisturizer, and what they call a “beauty fluid” which has SPF 30 in it so, I have been trying that and I highly recommend it if you are looking for cruelty free and more natural skincare products. They feel very natural on my skin and I just ordered a full size bundle – if anyone would like an update on how my skin reacts to it in a month or so, just let me know!

It feels really good to be writing again, I’ve missed you guys! You all listen to my problems or successes and are always so supportive, thank you! So many things are happening that I just can’t believe that this is my life. I work full time and go to night school so, I’m a pretty busy person but, I’m finding a balance between work and play. Finding that special time for me and the people I love and this journey has just been so rewarding.

If you are dealing with an eating disorder and feel stuck – I just want you to know that there is a way out. That the light at the end of the tunnel will make itself known to you. You just need to trust that it will happen and it will. I know some days feel like they will never end – that the pain will never end but, it does. Talk to someone you feel comfortable with whether it be a significant other, family member, teacher, counselor, what have you – someone will be there to listen and help you towards your first steps of recovery because quite honestly, I believe that talking is the first step. Letting someone know what you are going through and opening yourself up is the hardest part in my opinion. You can even shoot me a message and I will be there to listen and give whatever advice that I can.

Thank you again to those of you who take the time to read my blogs, your support means the world to me.

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Frustration rambles with a brighter ending

I literally hate Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday with a passion. I wake up early to either go to the gym or class, barely eat breakfast, make a quick cup of coffee and I’m out the door. I sit in class for two to three hours, then dash from school to work, work for about five hours or so, get out anywhere from 5:30-6:30, then go home to do homework or hit the gym if I didn’t go that morning, THEN do my homework. By the time it is all said and done it is about nine o’clock, maybe a bit later and I still have to make dinner, shower, and then go to bed. I barely eat enough, yesterday was the first day in awhile that I continuously ate throughout the day and there were times where I felt sick to my stomach because my body isn’t used to me consuming a consistent food throughout the day, I know I need to better meal plan but I’m so exhausted it is hard to keep up with shit like that but I know I’m just making excuses for myself but any busy woman knows that the last thing she wants to do after a long day is cook or meal prep for the next day.

I’m tired though, really tired. I didn’t realize that by taking on a primarily Mon-Fri job, while also going to school full time, was going to wear me down as much as it is. Although I am determined to keep up with the work I’ve been doing, it can be saddening to feel so worn out all the time, I feel bad because my friends want to hang out and I just don’t have enough time unless it is the weekends, or I get a lot of my homework done in one night so I don’t have to do any for the rest of the week which is what is probably going to happen tonight and I’m dreading it. I’ve been trying to go to the gym every other day so I can have enough time to recover while also doing homework and staying on top of that as well, so far so good, tomorrow I’m going to try to get there at like 7am, which means I’ll probably get up at about 6:30am, then go to class but tomorrow is my day off so I can actually relax after class if I want, which will be really nice, I look froward to that greatly. All in all I am grateful for my job and being able to go to school just getting into the swing of things and adjusting to this new schedule has been more challenging than expected. With time I am confident that I can push through the sleepiness and anxiety and rise above it all, I just need to keep focused, keep my sanity in check, and continue to just write it out on here or in my personal journal when the going gets tough. I hate getting anxiety over things like this because these are things that are out of my control, and I need to conform and keep on working with doing things that will help me get to where I want to go.

On a brighter note, I gave in my application and deposit for the England trip in May, only eight months away! I’m excited, really excited to explore England and to see a different part in this crazy world of ours, I can only imagine what I will discover on this trip about myself, and about traveling in general. I know I’ll fall even more in love with it because I already am, I am extremely thankful for the support from my friends and family too, although it’ll be tough, I know that I can financially make this trip work and have the time of my life, thank you to those individuals who never give up on me.

Big news!

So, I haven’t posted in awhile, been figuring out some stuff, getting into the swing of school and work and trying to find time to workout, I find that I’ve been doing more yoga than anything but rest assured, it is definitely a challenge. Anywho, at the end of summer I planned on going to Ecuador, or at least trying to save for it, but it didn’t apply to my major (the class I mean), and although it would’ve been one hell of an experience, I just wasn’t 100% sold on the trip. However, the director in charge of international studies at my school sent us Italy students an email about Ecuador and…..ENGLAND! They offer a semester abroad next Fall but they now offer a twelve day trip in May that is a literature course, I was sold on that for sure. I had to switch up some classes so it would all fit and now all that is left is to figure out my finances and what not. I get to explore my roots which is something I am really excited about while learning about beautiful British literature and the best part is….HARRY POTTER is on the curriculum because come on, England…London…Harry Potter…it just goes! I really feel like everything happens for a reason, granted, if I get denied for this school loan to go or something prevents me from going I’ll be heartbroken, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make it happen, literally. If that means harassing the financial aid department at my school then so be it. Since I was young I’ve always wanted to visit England, Wales, Ireland, and Italy, and now that I have one crossed off my list, I get to (hopefully) cross off another one and continue to discover more of myself and who I am, which is also exciting. I am nervous that something will prevent me from going, or the people who go on the trip are jerks, or yanno, the usual things people have anxiety about, however we all know my anxiety is much more intense, haha. I feel good about it though, and about this semester, I’ve buckled down a lot already in terms of saving money and getting my work done. I am happy with myself that I’ve actually put my priorities first, and stuck to my guns about staying in line with it all. It is the only first full week of school I know but I am hopeful to continue my good efforts and keep trucking along!

Thank you to all of you who continue to read my posts and support me through this crazy life of mine, it means the world to me. 

“Hi I’m Jess, and I’m a Shopping Addict…”

Anyone who knows me knows I have a shopping addiction, and it has taken me a long time to admit to that, it is still hard to even say it now. Over the past two years I’ve accumulated quite a bit of credit card debt, and it has been a financial burden that has stressed me to no end recently. I decided to consolidate my credit in a positive way through my bank and I am proud of myself for taking a big girl step in the right direction. Being able to own up to your own mistakes is hard, especially when you don’t want to even admit to yourself that you screwed up, and I did, big time. Being this young and having this debt is something that I don’t want for the rest of my life, I don’t want it to be something that just continues to add up to the point where I drown in it. I took the initiative and applied for a VERY VERY VERY small loan, one that covers my debt and gives me some extra money to save for Ecuador! Although it is in fact a loan, it has a great rate and a short note so in a short amount of time I’ll be a debt free woman, it is just going to take time and commitment. I’m really proud of myself, something I don’t usually say or feel, but lately I’ve been giving myself props and acknowledging my own achievements rather than diminishing my small victories. 

I’m not really sure though when my shopping problem started, I’ve never been GREAT with my money but I would probably say that over the holidays is when it started to get bad, I wanted to give my family the best Christmas, I wanted to provide for them just like they have done for me my whole life, and from there it spiraled into buying monotonous things, things that I don’t even remember having. It is the thrill of buying, the thrill of opening something, sort of like Christmas day. It is just the excitement of having something new, and that feeling fades…quickly, but I’ve let myself become addicted to that feeling. So, now, saving for Ecuador and paying down my debt, I am challenging myself to break this addiction, and to prove to myself that I have grown and changed for the better. I am proud and determined, I know that when this is all over I’m going to smile and give myself a pat on the back because I’ll be able to say that I did this on my own. Especially when I’m boarding that plane to Ecuador, knowing I paid for it ALL on my own, that will be the most rewarding feeling of all. 

So green

Today I was cursing in the car with some friends through a more rural side of my town and I noticed how beautiful the intense color green of the grass and leaves on the trees, and how the sun shined so softly on the blades of grass was so breathtaking, while also feeling the warmth from the light on my face, it just made me feel so comfortable, so thankful, and so very happy. Sometimes it’s the little things that make us truly happy and take us by surprise. I find lately I’ve been realizing or appreciating these small things of happiness, and I’m glad, I’m glad that I am not ignorant to the beauty of this world and Mother Nature. I can’t say I’ve been this happy, ever, and it’s something I will not take for granted or let slip away. I vow to always appreciate the little things in life because sometimes, those are most important.

Johnny Cash

I’m sitting here at work listening to my Johnny Cash Pandora station and just reflecting on life. I have many plans and goals ahead of me, ones that I need to stick to and make damn sure that I don’t fall off track. I have to save a great deal of money while also paying my numerous bills, I know there will be times where I will say this isn’t worth it, or I just want those damn workout pants that are on sale online, but I know that if I stay consistent with my goals and budget, I’ll be able to go on another trip to another beautiful place, I’ll pay down my credit card debt, and I’ll lose weight because I won’t be eating out as much or spending my money on stupid junk food. 

Life has really changed me, I like the person I am, truly. Each day I reflect on where I’ve been in life and how fortunate I am to have the life that I do. I am truly happy and motivated to do great things and explore this world around me. I am also grateful to have such great friends, last night, Tarah helped me budget and set up how much I need to save each month (which is a lot…) in order to go to Ecuador next summer and although I’m going to be stressed and upset at some points during this mental journey, I’ll develop better spending habits, and achieve an awesome task of actually paying for this trip in full, all by myself with my OWN money. Although I am MORE than grateful for my parents taking out a loan for my trip to Italy, being able to pay for Ecuador myself will definitely be a self esteem booster and something I can look back on and say yeah…I did that all on my own. Granted, I haven’t had the best record with spending and especially credit cards, but I am confident that I can do this, I just need to remind myself of the end result which is exploring and traveling, and doing what I love. 

I love Johnny Cash, his music always grounds me and brings me back to a good place in my mind, his music is so soothing and raw, especially his newer songs and covers that are known in the American albums, Desperado, Hurt, and I Don’t Hurt Anymore are some of my most favorite covers/songs that he released, so full of emotion, I’m thankful that I enjoy classic music artists such as him. 

Huntington-Beach-Peir

Today I am picturing myself near the ocean, preferably Huntington Beach, California. I someday want to live on the West Coast, maybe not forever, but at least for a period of time, Mom would kill me, I think leaving home is something I worry greatly about, when I think about leaving my Mom and Dad and Brother behind it doesn’t really frighten me because I’m worried about myself, but more so them. When I left for Italy for three weeks it was strange being on my own at first, but after a few days, I loved it. Having my own place, going to school, and just being there with my own apartment really put things in perspective for me. I have ideas on how to get out to the west coast to start, but I’m afraid to leave my family behind, I feel that at first it would be hard for me and for them but after some time I would adjust but, I don’t know if they would.

Sometimes I blame them for my anxiety in terms of being on my own and having to do things by myself because they’ve always helped me, guided me, and did everything for the past twenty, almost twenty-one years of my life. My family and I are very attached to each other, so much that I fear that if I left, it would shift the family too much, it might break them. First things first, I need to visit out there first and get a feel for it and see if I could make it work and from there, create a plan of attack.

I feel like there is this big world I need to explore and see. Now that I’ve started my traveling I want more, I need more. I can’t stand idly while my life passes me by, ya dig?