Frustration rambles with a brighter ending

I literally hate Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday with a passion. I wake up early to either go to the gym or class, barely eat breakfast, make a quick cup of coffee and I’m out the door. I sit in class for two to three hours, then dash from school to work, work for about five hours or so, get out anywhere from 5:30-6:30, then go home to do homework or hit the gym if I didn’t go that morning, THEN do my homework. By the time it is all said and done it is about nine o’clock, maybe a bit later and I still have to make dinner, shower, and then go to bed. I barely eat enough, yesterday was the first day in awhile that I continuously ate throughout the day and there were times where I felt sick to my stomach because my body isn’t used to me consuming a consistent food throughout the day, I know I need to better meal plan but I’m so exhausted it is hard to keep up with shit like that but I know I’m just making excuses for myself but any busy woman knows that the last thing she wants to do after a long day is cook or meal prep for the next day.

I’m tired though, really tired. I didn’t realize that by taking on a primarily Mon-Fri job, while also going to school full time, was going to wear me down as much as it is. Although I am determined to keep up with the work I’ve been doing, it can be saddening to feel so worn out all the time, I feel bad because my friends want to hang out and I just don’t have enough time unless it is the weekends, or I get a lot of my homework done in one night so I don’t have to do any for the rest of the week which is what is probably going to happen tonight and I’m dreading it. I’ve been trying to go to the gym every other day so I can have enough time to recover while also doing homework and staying on top of that as well, so far so good, tomorrow I’m going to try to get there at like 7am, which means I’ll probably get up at about 6:30am, then go to class but tomorrow is my day off so I can actually relax after class if I want, which will be really nice, I look froward to that greatly. All in all I am grateful for my job and being able to go to school just getting into the swing of things and adjusting to this new schedule has been more challenging than expected. With time I am confident that I can push through the sleepiness and anxiety and rise above it all, I just need to keep focused, keep my sanity in check, and continue to just write it out on here or in my personal journal when the going gets tough. I hate getting anxiety over things like this because these are things that are out of my control, and I need to conform and keep on working with doing things that will help me get to where I want to go.

On a brighter note, I gave in my application and deposit for the England trip in May, only eight months away! I’m excited, really excited to explore England and to see a different part in this crazy world of ours, I can only imagine what I will discover on this trip about myself, and about traveling in general. I know I’ll fall even more in love with it because I already am, I am extremely thankful for the support from my friends and family too, although it’ll be tough, I know that I can financially make this trip work and have the time of my life, thank you to those individuals who never give up on me.

Big news!

So, I haven’t posted in awhile, been figuring out some stuff, getting into the swing of school and work and trying to find time to workout, I find that I’ve been doing more yoga than anything but rest assured, it is definitely a challenge. Anywho, at the end of summer I planned on going to Ecuador, or at least trying to save for it, but it didn’t apply to my major (the class I mean), and although it would’ve been one hell of an experience, I just wasn’t 100% sold on the trip. However, the director in charge of international studies at my school sent us Italy students an email about Ecuador and…..ENGLAND! They offer a semester abroad next Fall but they now offer a twelve day trip in May that is a literature course, I was sold on that for sure. I had to switch up some classes so it would all fit and now all that is left is to figure out my finances and what not. I get to explore my roots which is something I am really excited about while learning about beautiful British literature and the best part is….HARRY POTTER is on the curriculum because come on, England…London…Harry Potter…it just goes! I really feel like everything happens for a reason, granted, if I get denied for this school loan to go or something prevents me from going I’ll be heartbroken, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make it happen, literally. If that means harassing the financial aid department at my school then so be it. Since I was young I’ve always wanted to visit England, Wales, Ireland, and Italy, and now that I have one crossed off my list, I get to (hopefully) cross off another one and continue to discover more of myself and who I am, which is also exciting. I am nervous that something will prevent me from going, or the people who go on the trip are jerks, or yanno, the usual things people have anxiety about, however we all know my anxiety is much more intense, haha. I feel good about it though, and about this semester, I’ve buckled down a lot already in terms of saving money and getting my work done. I am happy with myself that I’ve actually put my priorities first, and stuck to my guns about staying in line with it all. It is the only first full week of school I know but I am hopeful to continue my good efforts and keep trucking along!

Thank you to all of you who continue to read my posts and support me through this crazy life of mine, it means the world to me. 

“Hi I’m Jess, and I’m a Shopping Addict…”

Anyone who knows me knows I have a shopping addiction, and it has taken me a long time to admit to that, it is still hard to even say it now. Over the past two years I’ve accumulated quite a bit of credit card debt, and it has been a financial burden that has stressed me to no end recently. I decided to consolidate my credit in a positive way through my bank and I am proud of myself for taking a big girl step in the right direction. Being able to own up to your own mistakes is hard, especially when you don’t want to even admit to yourself that you screwed up, and I did, big time. Being this young and having this debt is something that I don’t want for the rest of my life, I don’t want it to be something that just continues to add up to the point where I drown in it. I took the initiative and applied for a VERY VERY VERY small loan, one that covers my debt and gives me some extra money to save for Ecuador! Although it is in fact a loan, it has a great rate and a short note so in a short amount of time I’ll be a debt free woman, it is just going to take time and commitment. I’m really proud of myself, something I don’t usually say or feel, but lately I’ve been giving myself props and acknowledging my own achievements rather than diminishing my small victories. 

I’m not really sure though when my shopping problem started, I’ve never been GREAT with my money but I would probably say that over the holidays is when it started to get bad, I wanted to give my family the best Christmas, I wanted to provide for them just like they have done for me my whole life, and from there it spiraled into buying monotonous things, things that I don’t even remember having. It is the thrill of buying, the thrill of opening something, sort of like Christmas day. It is just the excitement of having something new, and that feeling fades…quickly, but I’ve let myself become addicted to that feeling. So, now, saving for Ecuador and paying down my debt, I am challenging myself to break this addiction, and to prove to myself that I have grown and changed for the better. I am proud and determined, I know that when this is all over I’m going to smile and give myself a pat on the back because I’ll be able to say that I did this on my own. Especially when I’m boarding that plane to Ecuador, knowing I paid for it ALL on my own, that will be the most rewarding feeling of all. 

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I get by with a little help from my friends…

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Meet my friend Jer. In Italy I met some incredible people and he is one of them hands down. I’ve been struggling since I’ve been home in terms of readjusting and realizing that I won’t be around the same people anymore and that my life is going to be different. I haven’t really come to terms with the fact that my life is in fact, going to be different than it was before I left for my trip.

Who I am now is much different than the Jess before Italy, I don’t really know what to make of it to be honest, but I’m lucky to have such great friends that I’ve made. This morning I had a rough time, I woke up in tears because I miss my friends and I miss the lifestyle of Italy and being in the most beautiful country in the world. I was so used to having my own apartment and going to the grocery store on my own and cooking, actually being a grown up appealed to me, but Jer helped me realize that I am lucky to be home, and that this is a new chapter in my life and that I need to take every chance I can to better my life experiences and myself. I can’t fathom the idea of not having these incredible people in my life. Thank you Italy for showing me how incredible life can be.

My goals now are to get back on track with exercise and a healthy diet regimen along with picking up photography, I may not be great but I’ve learned some from Jer and I find that I really enjoy expressing myself through pictures. I also re-registered for the fall semester and am taking Painting I, Intro to Digital Photography, Intro to Philosophy, and Practical Logic, I am so excited to see what I learn and where my artistic abilities can go with these different classes. This whole soul searching thing has really benefited me and I’m happy that I am now really finding myself and going with the flow rather than stressing about the next day and the day after that, seize the day my friends.

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Italy

Sit View

I haven’t posted on my trip because a lot has happened since I’ve been gone. I’m a new person, I am someone who has truly seen a different side of themselves and the world. I got to explore the most beautiful country and eat delicious food, all while finding myself. In Italy I wasn’t worried about losing weight, being in relationships, or anything really because I emerged myself into this trip, I took every advantage and made damn sure that I had a clear mind and positive energy each day I was there because there was no room for negativity.

I miss it crazy there. I miss my friends and the adventures that I would go on everyday. It is going to be a battle that I’ll have to fight for some time to get over the fact that I’m not there anymore. I created a home there, a routine, and friendships. It is bittersweet.

I’m getting overwhelmed…

Usually when I’m overwhelmed I am focused on ONE emotion and ONE sad idea that would bring me to the idea of being overwhelmed. Well folks, this is ground breaking news: I am overwhelmed by many emotions in reference to my trip to Italy in two weeks. In less than sixteen days I will be traveling to the most beautiful country and staying in the most beautiful city. Why am I so overwhelmed? I should be excited, happy, grateful and I am all of those things!

Today at work I’ve been going on Florence University of the Arts website and looking at pictures and reading blogs of students who have stayed there and lived as a study abroad students and it is getting me excited but also sad and nervous. Sad because I am such a mommy and daddy’s girl that it brings tears to my eyes when I think of when I have to say goodbye for three weeks, to them and to Lexi it makes me very very sad. I mean, this is my family, my life, the blood that runs through my veins and the love I have for these people is what makes me who I am. Who will I be without them for three weeks? I think that is what scares me the most is being without Mom, Dad, and Lexi. I love them all so much it pains me to leave but at the same time I am thrilled to go on this adventure and discover parts of me I never knew and learn about Italy and explore! This is an oppritunity of a lifetime and I couldn’t be happier but it is also bittersweet to say goodbye. Not goodbye, more like see you later because I will come back and be home with the ones I love. I know it is only temporary but nonetheless it is still upsetting.

Tears come to my eyes because I am excited, scared, sad, happy, all of the above! Life over there is so much different so it seems and I can’t wait to just put myself into the culture head on and experience it all! I am grateful for this oppritunity and I am also thankful to have these incredible people to call my family.

Less then 2 months till Italy!

In the midst of changing my job and finishing the semester, the countdown to Italy is now less then two months away. It is crazy to think that about a year ago I contacted Marcy interested in going, never really thinking it was going to go anywhere, but now I’m going to be embarking on a trip of a lifetime. Three weeks exploring Florence, Italy and other surrounding areas. Being in the Tuscany region of Italy is a dream come true for me. I remember watching Under the Tuscan Sun starring Diane Lane a few years ago and thinking, “Wow, Italy is so beautiful, especially Tuscany, I would love to go there!” Look at me now! I’m going to live out my dream of being Diane Lane! Just kidding, not so much the Diane Lane part but still exploring the most beautiful part of Italy!

Of course my anxiety is going through the roof, I’m thinking of losing weight (obviously), what I’ll bring, what I don’t have, what my apartment will look like, who I’ll room with in terms of the two other girls from another school in the U.S., and what I’ll do in my spare time! It is all so overwhelming but exciting, I’m finally breaking out of my shell it seems and really putting myself to the test this June because I’ll be living on my own, cooking for myself, and living an independent life sort of. I thank my parents for financially helping me to go on this trip of a lifetime because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be going. Lexi has helped me mentally as well, we’ve talked about how careful I have to be in terms of when I go out and the people I walk to and what necessities I will bring. She has also eased my mind too, I was worried about communication because Italy is six hours ahead of the United States but shes assured me that no matter what time or place we will talk. I know I’ll be home sick, that is just the kind of person I am, but I also know I’m going to be busy and learning so much!

I wish it was already June 7, but I know that when my parents drop me off it is going to be filled with tears, hugs, and kisses. I’m so thankful and blessed to have these beautiful people in my life, and I’m also thankful and grateful to be able to go on this trip.