2.17.16

Hello all.

I haven’t written much since my last post, I guess I haven’t had any ideas of what to write. I don’t really know but, here goes nothing:

I’ve been reading a lot which has been awesome. Scribd has been a Godsend but, I guess starting mid March they are changing up their membership so, I may not be a customer for long.

I finished The Mortal Instruments series (which I LOVED!) and read Hush Hush (which I hated) and now I am trying to find my next series to get into. Something along the lines of a dystopian series but, Scribd kind of sucks when it comes to certain genres so, like I said, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be a customer of theirs.

Life has been kind of boring but, good. I started school last month and have actually been staying on top of my homework which is great since I have a habit of forgetting assignments.

Chris and I go away to Portland, ME next month for our one year anniversary so, I am really looking forward to that. I guess really I’ve just been going with the flow, I haven’t been doing yoga really at all for awhile which has made me sad especially since before I was doing it regularly at my home or at a local studio. I definitely haven’t been sticking ot my resolutions besides reading but, who really sticks to their resolutions anyway? I would be genuinely surprised if at the end of 2016 someone told me that they did every one of their resolutions and if people do, that is awesome! I certainly am going to try but, I am not making any promises!

Sorry for the short post but, I wanted to check in with you guys seeing as it has been awhile.

 

Advertisements

2.1.16

Hello all, how are you? Happy February 1st, 2016.

I haven’t posted in awhile, I guess I’ve been MIA in a lot of aspects of my life especially my blog, probably because I have no idea what to do with it.

My blog has changed a lot over the past few years since I’ve had it and I’ve always wanted to have one focus whether it be fitness, body positivity, minimalism, yoga, or Buddhism, but, to be completely honest, I have no desire to have one focus when it comes to my blog.

If you are one of my loyal readers then you know I like to change my mind a lot and go through many different phases and interests. It is hard having ADD because, you find yourself being bogged down by different trends in society whether they be positive or negative and, having a blog means sharing those thoughts and ideas and as you know, I have many.

Going forward I am no longer going to tie my blog down to one specific topic. If I choose to write about x, y ,or z or all three then I will because that is my choice. Ever since starting my Intuitive Eating/mindfulness journey I have found that my life has changed in more ways than just my eating habits. I am doing things that make me feel fulfilled and happy whether it be reading, eating pizza, watching a documentary, or taking a walk outside. Practicing mindfulness has been a huge tool in my recovery when it comes to my eating disorder and dealing with my anxiety and depression.

I am so much more happier. Everything in my life just seems brighter and makes more sense. Ever since I let go of trying to please others and stopped following trends to find myself, everything seems to have fallen into place. Although new things arise each day, week, month and year, life is directing me and I am allowing it to guide me. You can’t predict the future and to waste your time and energy on trying to do so, you’re just going to bring yourself down. This is the most important lesson I have learned in my 22 years of life.

I’m glad to be back here blogging. Writing is such an important outlet for me and I’ve been really neglecting it. I still want to write a novel – one I’ve been planing to start for years but, I just can’t find that spark or idea to start it all. I’ve written down many story line ideas and none of them click. I feel like I have this roadblock in front of me and I just don’t see how to get past it.

I want to be passionate about writing again but, I am so impatient. It is hard for me to just write a little, put it down, then start it again the next day. I want it done right there and then and obviously, that could NEVER happen unless I took a week off of work and locked myself in my room but, I can’t do that to myself.

I guess this is where practicing mindfulness comes in and patience as a whole. I’ve been being more mindful of when I am not patient and it is becoming more clear that I have very little but, I’m working on it and that’s what counts. I am hopeful that I can start brainstorming again while practicing patience when it comes to my writing.

That is pretty much it. Not sure how to conclude this blog post but, I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this.

New Year’s Resolutions 

We all know this time of year very well. People start thinking of resolutions or goal for the new year to come.

For many, this goal is usually to lose weight. Gyms will start having their sign on specials, health websites will start having sales on supplement stacks, and fitness clothes will be all the new rage.

As for me, this has been my New Year’s Resolution as long as I can remember especially after a holiday season filled with so much food and pictures. Pictures that you see yourself in and think, “I just need to lose x amount of weight and I will be where I want to be, that picture is my motivation.”

I am going to tell you guys something very real about me. This morning, I went on Facebook and saw that my Mom had posted pictures from yesterday and saw myself in one. Mind you, I was wearing jeggings, an oversized sweater, and my hair was kind of messy (I sort of like it that way) but, when I looked at this photo I instantly thought, “I need to lose weight this coming year, I just can’t stand looking at myself in this picture.” After that thought had come and gone, I felt very disappointed in myself. Lately I have been working so hard on breaking away from “losing weight” mentality but, through this journey I have put my health on the back burner. Disclaimer: I do believe when breaking free from the dieting world it is essential to just let go and relax. If that means eating less nutritionally dense foods and skipping the gym, that is 100% okay! Some people need to do this to recover and this is what I did. However, due to this neglect when it came to my health these past few months, I have been extremely bloated and swollen due to the fact that I haven’t been getting hardly any fiber whatsoever and have really slacked on eating fruits and vegetables. I also haven’t been sweating out any of the toxins going into my body from eating some of these not-so nutritionally dense foods which at the time was okay (and still is of course!) but, I want to treat my body better.

So, here they are, my goals for 2016.

  • Eat more fiber: I need to get my digestive system back on track with proper health because I have Celiac Disease and if by chance I eat gluten, I need a healthy digestive system to help me get rid of it.
  • Sweat more: I don’t mean as in, “to count calories burned, etc..” but, so I can treat my body with respect and feel better mentally and physically, in the hopes that I can sleep better and wake up feeling more refreshed.
  • Do more yoga: I have been upping my yoga game a lot lately. I try to aim to do it at least two times a week but I would like to get to the 4-5 days a week seeing as the results have been incredible both mentally and physically and it has brought me so much happiness and peace.
  • Forgive myself more: You are your own worst critic in all aspects of life, especially if you are an ex-dieter you know this all too well. This year I really want to work on letting things go and not being so hard on myself all of the time. I need to remember that I am not a perfect human being because things happen, life throws obstacles in your way, and what counts is working to get past them, not beat yourself up about it.
  • Practice mindfulness: This is a huge goal of mine (also: none of these are in particular order) I am always rushing through life whether it be eating, driving, exploring, writing, and so many other things. I forget to appreciate the different sensations and my surroundings and I miss out. I want to see the world for what it is, I want to live in the present because the past is the past and the future hasn’t come yet.
  • Read more: This is my last goal but, I want to read more. Lately I have been making the effort to pick up a book rather than my Apple TV remote but, I want this effort to be much more significant in the new year.

It would be wrong of me to lie to you and say that losing weight didn’t cross my mind, of course it did! I’m an ex-dieter trying to find her way on this journey of self love and body acceptance but, I do want to treat my mind and body right because this is the only body I’ve got. I am happy that I have some goals not related to health because I find that this is an important step in diet recovery. When you have goals solely focused on health, it could appear that maybe subliminally your goals reflect the subconscious idea of losing weight and although those are not my intentions, I think it is important to point this out for those in diet recovery  trying to think of resolutions/goals for the new year.

When it comes to New Year’s Resolutions, don’t think too much on it. Close your eyes, envision yourself lets say…six months from now, where do you want to be? What goals could get you to the point? And choose those as your goals. For example, by practicing mindfulness, by six months I hope to not eat so quickly and truly enjoy my food, and to also drive slower seeing as I have a very long commute to work I always tend to drive like a maniac and I would like to slow the pace down and enjoy the views even if it is snow. Having an image of what you want your life to be can really help when choosing these resolutions. Meditate on it, I promise that with some stillness and relaxation, these goals will come to you.

Dear Jess

Dear Jess,

We have a lot of history you and I. The amount of things we have been through together and the memories we have made are endless. I am your vessel, your rock, the body that keeps you warm and the weapon that fights against external forces trying to sabotage you and what we have done together. However, these past ten years or so, you haven’t treated me the way I desire to be treated. You have restricted me from eating delicious foods, you have overworked me endlessly making me sweat and ache rather than appreciate me through enjoyable movement, sometimes you have given me so little to eat but, then make me eat way too much at one time making us both very sick. You have disconnected from me and I miss you.  I miss the way we could flow together and understand each other. You haven’t listened to me or my wisdom in quite some time and I was afraid that you would never come back. I know lately you have been trying to let go of all of the things that made you feel so worthless and ugly and all of the pain you have held on to for so long. I am elated to see and feel this progress and that you are finally starting to see the beautiful person that you truly are, I have been waiting.

 

I knew you could do it, I knew that you could rise above the abusive cycle of dieting, restricting, bingeing, and beating yourself up through shame and guilt. I know you are still in pain, and that with letting go of the only ‘control’ you have had these past ten years is bringing up a lot of mixed emotions but look at you! You have come so far and I am so proud. As your body and friend I beg you to not look back. Do not go back to those restrictive and hurtful ways. These past few months of true recovery have made me feel so much better. I don’t hurt as much as I did, and I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to go back to those nights of bingeing or those moments where I felt your struggle on deciding what to eat to fit your ‘diet’. Not only do I want to feel good but, I want you to feel good too. I can feel this weight slowly lifting off your shoulders. I have sensed your pleasure in eating tasty treats and that the guilt you used to feel slowly being erased and I couldn’t be happier. I as your body, never ever want you to feel guilty about feeding me whether it be sweets, a salad, or chips, you CHOOSE what you want and I want you to enjoy the fuck out of it because you deserve to enjoy anything and everything that you get to experience in life.

 

I want us to be close. I want us to be connected and to be one again. I want you to listen to me when I am telling you I am hungry or full. I want you to try new things and taste all sorts of food. We can do this together you and I. We don’t have to be enemies anymore because all I was trying to do the past decade was protect you from the harmful things you were doing. I never wanted you to hate me, I never wanted you to look in the mirror and say hurtful things about me because I love you. I love you so much. I am curvy to keep you warm, I am muscular to keep your strong, and I am flexible to keep you balanced. I promise that whatever I do is for YOU. I know you better than you know yourself. The first step for us to get close again is for you to trust me. Believe that I know what I am doing because I do. I am your body, I am your vessel, and I am your rock. I vow to always love you but, I need you to love me too.

 

You are on such a powerful journey Jess. You are discovering so many wonderful things about yourself and the world around you. I can feel the happiness swell inside of us and this is the first time in a long time that I have felt at peace. Thank you for taking these steps to bettering your outlook on you and I. We are a team and I will always be here for you.

 

Love,

Your Body

I am finally free

For as long as I can remember I have battled with myself. From orthhorexia to binge eating to overexercising, this cycle kept going for a long time. Although I had gained control over my BED in 2013, I still struggled with my body dysmorphia. Looking in the mirror all I would see is lumps, bumps, rolls, and bones. I did not see beauty, nor did I see the strength I had inside me.

Back in 2013, I truly dedicated myself to a more positive lifestyle. I tried to push away the negative thoughts and the little voice in my head telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t pretty or skinny enough. It was tough because I felt accomplished for overcoming my BED, but I still found myself loathing who I was and my body.

Working out was an obsession, eating “clean” was an obsession, becoming thin was an obsession. I tried every diet, exercise, meal plan, you name it I’ve probably tried it. Counting macros, hiring an online coach, counting calories, lifting weights, I was doing all of these things that I hated. I hated it all, I had no desire to be a bodybuilder or competitor but, I thought I did at the time because I followed so many young women who transformed their bodies doing these things, and although those things worked for them they didn’t work for me. Your journey is YOUR journey. Just because something “worked” for someone doesn’t mean it is right for you.

So, I was going back and forth between being this “IIFYM girl” to a depressed and frustrated overeater. I couldn’t find balance, I couldn’t find enjoyment in anything health related because it all felt fake. It didn’t feel right for me but, I kept doing it because “No excuses” right? That is some utter bullshit if you ask me. “No excuses” really? If you are sick with the flu and you don’t go to the gym, doesn’t that sound like an okay “excuse” to not workout? Well, if you had asked me that a few years ago I would’ve told you no.

I felt trapped, alone, and confused. I felt like no one understood me until I watched a YouTuber named Josie Mai and her video on Intuitive Eating. I was so intrigued by this I had never heard of it before but, it sounded very appealing. Eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full, sounds easy right? Not so much. It isn’t an easy journey it has it’s ups and downs and lefts and rights. When I first started my IE journey I was enlightened and felt free, although the next day I was so concerned with what I was eating (i.e. calories, fat, sugar etc..) I just couldn’t get the diet mindset out of my head and that is the biggest concept of Intuitive Eating is that you need to let go of the dieting mindset and put weight loss on the back burner.

Wait…put weight loss on the back burner? The one thing you’ve been trying to achieve for over ten years? The one crutch you’ve had for all of your emotional turmoil? The only thing you felt that you could control? Gone? Yes. That has been the hardest for me to be honest. For so long I relied on weight loss and being on a “diet” to keep myself together, to have some sort of control over my life. I couldn’t control the kids bullying me in school, I couldn’t control the insensitive men I chose to be in relationships with, I couldn’t control my ever changing emotions in regards to my depression and anxiety so, weight loss and dieting gave me a sense of control.

It was that control that sent me spiraling down this black hole, into a place I thought I would never get out of. I was body shaming myself every day, every damn day and I was done. The last few months I’ve been really working on my Intuitive Eating, sometimes yes, I think about the calories in my food but, nothing like how it was before. I am slowly feeling the obsessive and restrictive patterns fall away, I feel so beautiful and sexy in my skin sometimes I just want to cry of happiness because I have never felt this way, but the best part about this journey is I finally am free. You know how good that feels? Fucking incredible. I eat chocolate, fries, pizza, rice, vegetables, fruit, you name it I eat it because I canDo you want to know why I can? because when I am hungry I truly listen to my body, I ask what it wants, what it is craving, and I eat it. I eat it mindfully and when I feel my belly starting to stretch and become full, I try my hardest to stop. I’ll be honest, sometimes I don’t but hey, that is totally okay. Like I said, this is a journey, it is your own, so make it the way you want it to be. The beauty of IE is that you are your own coach, you are the person guiding yourself to your happiness. Do not keep yourself in this horrible dieting mindset, let those insecurities and need to control go. Your body will figure out it’s natural weight and body composition, all you have to do is listen to it.

Fooling around with the fat girl…

This was such an eye opening post. I feel that no matter shape or size you are you deserve to be loved and pleased just like everyone else. Every woman no matter what size, deserves to feel sexy. I am so pleased with this post, please read!

As a plus size woman living in a world where fatness is still seen as an oddity, the stigma of fat bodies as being everything but desirable still remains. People try their damnedest to disarm fat women of their sexuality, regarding it as a joke or as a fetish – in my book, that’s not okay. Believing what I had been taught by society, my experiences of being in the bedroom as a fat woman have lurched from hiding under the covers, to trying too hard, to being completely brazen and letting my inhibitions go. I’ve since (thankfully) learnt that body type is not a prerequisite to sexiness, but the way that you feel about your body is – however that doesn’t stop fat sexuality being somewhat of a taboo subject.

In the last few years there has been an influx of fat visibility, but it seems that the increasingly…

View original post 428 more words

Photography, the studio, what happens next?

Hello my lovely readers,

Many of you have been following me since I started my blog back in 2013 and thank you. You have seen the highs and lows and the obstacles I’ve faced throughout the years. You have seen me fall in love, get my heart broken, and pick myself back up again, thank you.

Many of you leave comments of encouragement and have helped me in my darkest hours, thank you. You are all so supportive, words cannot describe the gratitude I have for you readers and my blog.

Back in 2014 when I was in Florence, Italy I discovered my love for photography. When I got home and started using my DSLR I was hooked. I took pictures of everything and I just wanted to learn and explore. Having that camera signified my life changing experiences in Italy and the possibility of all the new adventures I would go on whether they be international or in my own backyard. I learned different editing techniques in Lightroom and really started to flourish.

Fast forward to April 2015 when I got my art studio. What a monumental experience it was when I got the keys to my own little space of creativity. I was excited, nervous, and wasn’t sure what to expect what having an art studio would be like. I worked part time so I knew I would have the time but, shortly after getting my studio about three weeks later, I started working full time. The drive to my work is about an hour each way and I usually don’t get home till the evening, this made it harder for me to get to the studio as it is about thirty minutes away from where I live.

Not only was I not going during the week but not on the weekends either. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t motivated to go whatsoever even with having weekends off. When putting together my studio I started really digging into the business side of photography such as pricing and services and I started to feel overwhelmed.

So, I stopped going, still paying a bit of money every month for a place that I never went to. A place that was supposed to be a creative outlook for me but yet gave me anxiety. I couldn’t understand until literally yesterday at my therapy session why this was so. What it boiled down to was this: I thought it was expected of me to have this flourishing photography business, a successful business model where the money would be pouring in from my art. That I was supposed to be this artist who promoted my artwork and soon I found that I didn’t enjoy taking pictures or painting anymore. I felt like I had to fit in with the community of artists where my studio is (there are five floors of art studios with so many artists, it is quite inspiring!). I didn’t/don’t want this for myself. I did my time in retail and sales, and I hated it. I hate trying to sell sell sell when in reality, I just want to be passionate about my art, enjoy it, and have it help me heal.  I put this negative stigma on the studio because I felt that all of these outrageous things were expected from me when in reality they weren’t. It was my anxiety putting this doubt in my head, the fear of failure or disappointment. I also realized that there are no standards when it comes to art and that I can’t compare my art or talent to someone else’s because that would be outrageous.

So, I am going to make my studio a positive and healing place. A place that I can create beautiful art and enjoy my surroundings. No more anxiety, no more expectations, and no more business. Yes, that is right, I deleted my photography website, changed my FB page to “just for fun” rather than “professional services” because photography is a love and passion of mine and I don’t want that to change and I know that the minute it becomes a business, the enjoyment of it will disappear and put me back to where I was. I still have every intention of sharing my photos on my photography page on FB and what not, but I’m just not promoting a business because that doesn’t make me happy. The photography business world is not what makes me happy, and I need to do what has to be done to make myself happy and comfortable.

I feel really good about all of this, thank you all again for always supporting me.