I am a rambling lunatic, but I like it.

I’ve lost seven pounds in three weeks. Never did I think that I would be back in the saddle of weight lighting, cardio, and good nutrition again. I feel like for so long I just “let myself go” a year ago I started to put this weight on and since then I’ve just gone up or down but finally I’m going down and staying down. I’m so happy I found this motivation again, I just have to keep reminding myself how happy it makes me to get up and workout and take care of my body. I have been finding that my motivation for life in general has benefited as well, I actually keep my room clean and make an effort to stay focused on my work and what not. I’ve been so busy lately but it isn’t bothering me as much as it usually does which is something I am thankful for as well. I think my major goal right now besides continuing to lose weight is to get my anxiety and ADD under control. I’ve been finding lately that my focus is hard to keep when doing anything really, whether it is working, writing, painting, meditating or what have you. It has improved for sure but it is hard to keep my attention in check and I don’t want it to affect my relationships with people because as much as I want to focus on conversations, and I do don’t get me wrong, I just still find it hard to stay 100% focused throughout the conversation itself.

But, all in all I’ve been making real positive changes and I’m happy that I’m working on myself. Sometimes I think that we as human beings tend to forget about taking care of ourselves and worry too much on others and the world around us, and although that isn’t a bad trait to have it is important to keep yourself as your number on priority. Like I’ve always said, at the end of the day the only person that you have and can truly count on is yourself. I think that is the greatest lesson I’ve learned the past several months is relying on yourself and knowing your own strength. Forever I always put my loneliness and emotions into constantly being in a relationship or hanging out with friends. I never took the time to be alone and sit in my feelings and deal with them. When I did spend time alone it was me binge eating my emotions and repressing my memories of being bullied and verbally abused. But as of now, I enjoy my time alone, I look forward to it. Maybe it is because I’ve become a social introvert and gain my energy and pleasure from spending time alone, but all in all it is an improvement compared to how I was a few years ago. It is weird to think that I used to be such a social butterfly, always with my friends and never just hanging out by myself, but now I spend the majority of my time alone. I like it that way quite honestly. Maybe my anxiety is getting worse and I’m just too naive to see that but I mean, I still go out, meet new people, and put myself in situations where my anxiety is present but I rise above it because like I’ve preached before I don’t want my anxiety to rule my life. Being an “outgoing” introvert is something I take pride in because it shows that I’m not afraid to be alone or put myself out there even if I’m having a panic attack in the process. I think at the same time too I don’t have a lot of free time to go out because lately I get up, go to the gym, then go to work and I repeat it all over again, so the weekends is when I have my most free time and everybody always seems busy or I have a shoot to go to or have to work Saturday morning. I guess I probably could make more time for my friends but I’m selfish and enjoy snuggling in my bed and watching Netflix.

I never ever imagined me looking forward to being alone and just hanging out. When I reflect back on my life I see a lot of loneliness and although I still get lonely from time to time, I don’t let it consume me or at least I try to not let it because I’ve been down that road before and God-willing I never will again.

I’m slowly finding my place in this world and although it has taken me some time I’m happy I’m finally here. I’m thankful to be alive and to be able to reflect on the darkest times of my life and use them to better who I am as a person. People must read this shit and think I’m just a rambling lunatic which I am in some retrospect but, I don’t preach this shit for no reason. I don’t make up all of it to impress anyone because I do have shitty days, a lot of them actually, but I try to learn from them and I try to improve how I deal with situations in my everyday life. I just hope that one day someone will stumble across my little blog and find some comfort and positivity in what I write.

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4 thoughts on “I am a rambling lunatic, but I like it.

  1. It’s awesome that you’re taking care of yourself and finding motivation. I wish you all the luck in bringing our anxiety and ADD under control, and I’m so glad you’re thankful to be alive. 🙂

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