I woke up yesterday morning to a heavy feeling in my chest and the jitters. What I thought would be a restful morning turned into something much different. A knock at the door awoke me from my thoughts and when I opened it I wasn’t surprised to find my old friend anxiety waiting there for me to let it in, and without hesitation I did. Throughout my adolescent and young adult years it has become a habit for me to allow anxiety to live inside me day in and day out. Whenever it comes for a visit it is one of those guests that lingers and annoys you until your mind can’t handle it anymore and you have a breakdown or fall asleep from the headache. It’s always haunting me in the shadows of each corner, or waiting to make its next surprise visit. I’m never prepared either. I am never ready to endure the craziness it releases throughout my body. When each panic attack comes and goes I tell myself that next time will be better, and that I’ll have a better understanding of it all but I never do. I guess the only thing that has somewhat helped me recently is writing it all down. The other night I felt the wave hit me, I found myself crying and turning on the saddest songs I knew just to get all of it out but for some reason I just couldn’t let it go. I grabbed my journal and sat on my bed writing, rambling, whatever you want to call it to the point where my hand was throbbing from writing so fast. My thoughts were just pooling out of me and by the time it was all said and done I could finally take a deep breath and close my eyes without having another miserable thought pop into my head.
Trying to get your anxiety in check is like trying to give a cat a bath, it just doesn’t work. Or if it does, it is more exhausting than just dealing with it. Sure, you can talk yourself off that cliff of self doubt and worry, but sometimes telling yourself what you are thinking and feeling isn’t real doesn’t always work. So what then? Well, I’m not too sure of that myself. Yesterday I literally Googled, “How to cure anxiety naturally” because quite honestly, I don’t want to take medication if I don’t have too. So, it came up with the following: Chamomile tea, meditation, exercise, healthy diet, magnesium supplements, and talking to a therapist. I’ve tried all of the above, besides the magnesium suggestion because I don’t have a deficiency. However, some have worked, some have not, but I want a permanent solution. Obviously it is a far fetched idea that after years of mental abuse from being bullied and literally hating yourself for over a decade is just going to go away because I want it too, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it? I know that I need to realize that my anxiety is a part of me and that I need to start dealing with it in a healthy way by dealing with repressed feelings and I have, slowly but surely. Like I stated previously, I’m writing again. I’ve also gotten back into meditating and yoga but I just wish that I didn’t NEED to do those things everyday to stay afloat. Why can’t I be a normal person who just wakes up, deals with their shit when it needs to be dealt with and not linger and analyze every single damn situation. I also know that I’m not the only person in this world with problems believe me I know how lucky and fortunate I am to live the life that I do everyday. But it does get exhausting constantly battling yourself and trying to keep it all together. It’s funny because I forget that people I know in the real world read my blog, so when I talk to them they always say, “You always seem so happy and positive I never would’ve guessed you had an eating disorder or anxiety” yeah well, it is probably because I try to keep it together. I’m somewhat of a private person and I do tend to internalize everything which is never a good idea but it is something I’m working on. I appreciate that people say that to me though don’t get me wrong, it makes me realize that I am strong and have overcome a lot because I don’t pretend to be happy or positive, I really am! Just sometimes my anxiety really gets me down, everyone is entitled to a bad day it is just how we deal with it that counts. I strive everyday to make each day a productive and happy one and sure, it doesn’t always pan out that way and sometimes it ends in a pool of tears and a cheese pizza but I wake up the next day go to the gym, smile, and breathe because that is life. Life is a constant roller coaster ride that we all take part in each and everyday. Thank you to those who have been so supportive by commenting on my posts, or those of you that are friends with me on Facebook and always have something nice to say it means the world to me. I write about my anxiety in the hopes that others who deal with it can find some comfort in knowing that they are not alone. Believe me, I understand what it feels like to doubt yourself constantly, or crying for no reason because the situation you analyzed just doesn’t make sense in your head. It is okay to have anxiety, it is okay to cry and be mentally frazzled but it is important to remember what is reality, what is right in front of you versus what your anxiety does to the beautiful things in your life. Those with this mental illness know that anxiety can sabotage anything good in your life if you let it, but it is vital that we don’t allow it to do so. Stay positive my friends and when that wave just crashes into you, try your best to stay afloat because it is possible to succeed when faced with anxiety.