Never forget about yourself

Life has been taking me on one hell of a ride lately. The anxiety I have been feeling is indescribable to tell you the truth, and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. I’m someone who avoids confrontation in the hopes that issues will resolve themselves, but we all know that never happens. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt because everyone deserves a fighting chance right? But you can only push on for so long without it breaking you. I guess you could say I’ve been feeling under appreciated, like the efforts I’ve been making have gone unproved and therefore unsuccessful. I’m constantly battling myself, wondering why my luck has been spiraling down the drain and into the sewer. I like to think I’m a good person, that I try my hardest to enforce positivity in the lives of others. I know many would say, “you have to make yourself happy before you can please anyone else” and to some extent that is true. But on the other hand, I like to go out of my way to make people happy I just think it’s time that I make some room for myself. I am disappointed though in the hasty decisions I have made in the last month or so, but that is something I need to face. I can’t continue to brush it under the rug because it has come to the point where it is taking up too much space in my mind. I always tend to settle for the next best thing, always hoping to mend it to the way I want it to be. We all know how that story ends, failure and self hate. And because of this dilemma I feel my depression and anxiety creeping in slowly but surely. I am starting to get that weight in my chest that I just can’t seem to lift, and that shallowed breath that just never seems to regulate back to normal. Sometimes I think too much, hell I always think too much but lately it’s been so continuous that I feel that my mind is going to explode. I need to start focusing on me again, on my faith and health. I started studying the Bible again, or at least making an effort to watch sermons and understand where I’m meant to be in terms of God and religion. I think it’ll be good for me to fill my void with something other than relationships whether personal or romantic. I think for a long time I have used my friends and lovers to help keep me steady and although I’ve made tremendous strides on my own, I know I can’t keep carrying these burdens alone and I know that getting in touch with my spirituality will help me heal. I need to heal more than anything because like we all know I hate confrontation even with myself. There’s a lot that I haven’t dealt with, things that only I know and I need to open a new chapter in my life. One where I can be set free and truly happy. Don’t get me wrong, although my life has been hectic and mentally stressf, I am happy. This is the happiest I’ve been but I need to maintain that confidence and wholeness at whatever cost necessary because I am my first priority.

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