Rising above the darkness

Life recently has been hell. Talk about stressful, time consuming, and mentally draining. School, work, relationships, everything has just been weighing my down. Self doubt is something I’ve been feeling all too often lately and it has come to a point where I need to either a) let it continue to drain me or b) realize that I am strong enough to realize that what I have to offer is honesty, love, and intelligence to this world and to the people that inhabit my life. Some recent events have brought me to a somewhat decent plan although I most likely am not going to England anymore due to financial issues, I have decided that I will get my BA in Communications with a concentration in Public Relations online while I work full time. I need to make more money, but I also need to get my bachelors and I think doing it this way will truly benefit me in the long run. It’ll be a lot of work and I know there will be times where I doubt myself but at the end of the day I know it will be the best decision. I’m still pursuing my photography as well, I’ve been booking shoots left and right and really promoting myself and I’m so very thankful about that. I love taking pictures and capturing life’s beauty because each photo I take is different and each tells their own story. I’ve been slacking with my writing though for sure, although I’ve been blogging more I’ve been neglecting the many journals I have laying around my room along with my novel (work in progress). It seems like I take too much on sometimes, like I spread myself too thin but I know that I need to be proactive in my life to get to where I want to go. Next semester I’ll be taking on five classes again: Statistics, Public Relations, Public Speaking, Literature, and Studio Lighting so I can finish my associates in the Spring. I can only imagine how stressed I’ll be but I know that at the end of the semester when I can walk at graduation and get my associates, I’ll be thankful that I did it.

I need to stop worrying all the time and just let life happen. I’m usually a pretty positive person but recent events and realizations have just brought me into this dark hole that has been swallowing me alive. My anxiety and ADD definitely lead me to make negative assumptions about people and that will be my downfall, truly. I need to let go of my past and see that there is a bright future for me out there and that constantly creating problems in my head won’t get me anywhere. I need to see what is real and actually in front of me rather than make up these crazy scenarios that make no sense and sabotage the good things in my life. I am a sabotager, I don’t mean to be but I have a tendency to ruin good things because I am used to being disappointed and hurt. I need to believe that these good things in my life will remain in tact as long as I stay positive and open minded. I need to learn to take a deep breath and relax because these past few weeks I’ve been so tense and close minded that I feel like I can’t take a deep breath and just let it all go, and I’m going to do that, I WILL do that. I just need to keep reminding myself what I am thankful for in this crazy life of mine such as my family, friends, job, and school. There are many people out there who are not as fortunate as I am and although sometimes I feel as if my life is over, I know that there is so much to be grateful for.

Going forward I vow to do the following things each day:
1. Meditate for at least ten minutes
2. Write in my journal and or blog
3. Do yoga for at least 10-15 mins either in the morning or evening

I think these are all beneficial things that can lead me to a more healthy and positive mindset, and that is definitely what I need in my life these days. I need to motivate and support myself because no one else is going to do that for me. I can’t rely on any relationships whether romantic, personal, or business to improve my mentality because I need to be confident enough in myself to believe and prove that I can do it on my own. I’ve come too far to let this negativity change who I am and impact me like it has before. I am confident, happy, and strong willed. No amount of stress or self doubt will defeat me or keep me in that dark place. I will rise above and conquer.

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