Stuck in a ditch

I’ve been foolish lately. In all aspects of my life, especially money and love. I’m broke, literally I have no idea how I am going to afford my bills while also trying to live my life and save for England. I’m depressed, and I just feel like I’m in this dark hole that I can’t get out of. I’ve been trying to talk to my friends or at least attempting to do so and I feel like no one understands. I just want to escape it all and start over but debt is just something you can’t run away from. My personal relationship have been rocky as well, I don’t know where I stand anymore and it is really pushing me down and I’m drowning. One minute I think I am on top and the next I’m way below, trying to swim my way to the top. I am an idiot for spending my money the way I do, ever since I turned 21 I just go out and not even think about it but last night Zach and I were talking and he said, “We spend too much money and we go out too much” and he was right, we go out all the time just to get a few drinks and food but it adds up and now I’m in a predicament where I’ve been using my credit card again and I just, ugh, I know I should be smarter with things such as this because I don’t want to spend my whole life in credit card debt when I’ll most likely be paying off my student loans forever. Now I need to give my mother more money too since she pays my car insurance each month but it is hard I work part time and I have a lot of bills for someone who only makes an insignificant amount of money each month. Don’t get me wrong though, I am thankful for my job, incredibly thankful but in the same breath, I need to find something full time to be able to live life and not be depressed by the fact that I am drowning in bills. I can’t work full time though while I’m in school full time, how would that even work? I work primarily during the week after class so there is no time in between or after for that matter that I could actually work a second job. I mean, maybe I could find something after 6 but then, how much would I really be making? Is it worth my time? I’m not quite sure. All I know is that I am just so sad, and so worried that I’m not enjoying my life. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I enjoy like spending time with my friends and family and my significant other but, at the end of the day I am dealing with all this shit and I just can’t seem to get on top of it and it has come to a point where I wake up and all I want to do is cry because I just can’t face the day because my debt and personal shit is just constantly taking space up in my mind and although all this sadness is my own damn fault it still sucks and I’m still just at rock bottom and I just don’t know if I can get up again. I’ve been here too many times to count and I’m sick of being here, I’m sick of putting myself here, when will I learn?


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