The calm before the storm

I’ll forever be aggravated with myself. I’m always creating things in my head, making people out to be different than who they are or rather reading into things too deeply. Living inside my head all the damn time is really starting to weigh me down and give me this perpetual anxiety. I know that I am worth love and kindness, that I deserve good things in my life but I am forever sabotaging the good things in my life because I have grown accustomed to being let down.

Maybe I’m better off alone, no friends, lovers, or what have you. Maybe living a life of solitude wouldn’t be a bad thing but, anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy being around people too much. I enjoy making others happy and caring for them that in the process I forget to look after myself. Subconsciously I do, hell, even my dreams are creating false realities that eat at me once I wake. I know these things not to be true and that my anxiety and self doubt is creating this parallel universe so to speak and it is heart wrenching.

I think that we all have this idea of what we want out of life or out of relationships. We either expect too much or we sell ourselves short all to fall into the abyss of sadness. When will it end? When will us as human beings realize that happiness can happen and that we don’t have to sabotage everything in our lives? I’m not sure if that will ever happen for me. I look back on my life two years ago when I was on this roller coaster of self destruction. Whether it was love, school, work, or even friends I allowed all of this negativity to stick in my brain and make me think that sadness and anxiety is all I deserve out of life. I know that this is not true, I know that I deserve as much appreciation, love, and kindness as the next person.

I wish I could just let it all go, let my mind rest and be able to just go with the flow. I mean, I do, go with the flow I mean because I like to think that I am an easy going person but sometimes I just let myself wander too far. Picture yourself on a boat in the ocean with clear skies and endless possibilities. Positivity, curiosity, and happiness are all emotions you are feeling at this moment while sailing through the blue sea. All of a sudden you feel the air turn colder, the skies turn darker, and the waves become uneasy. You can’t control the boat any longer, you are now fighting with this storm wondering if you’ll ever break free. It seems hopeless, you feel as if you are losing grip on your own reality and you let the storm take you over. All at once you feel pain, sadness, and deceit. You feel betrayed with no reasons to explain why, it’s as if the waves are your thoughts, constantly crashing into one another making the journey unbearable. This is the best way for me to explain how my anxiety, ADD, and depression all toy with my feelings and thoughts. One minute it is a peaceful boat ride but then it turns into a raging storm, sending my boat through a frenzy of emotions.

I wish people in my life understood that madness in my brain. Some do, but I feel as though many don’t. That they see me as this happy, laid back, and well rounded person and it most circumstances I am for sure but in the same breath, I can be a very unstable person emotionally. I know that a lot of individuals deal with the same issues I do, like they can’t escape their own minds. We do not know what peace of mind is because it is impossible for us to achieve that for long periods of time.

I guess I’m not really sure where this rambling post is going. Lately I’ve just been dealing with an enormous amount of second guessing myself and doubting everything that has transpired over the last two weeks and I feel it’s weight on me. I know that in time I will figure it out, take a deep breath and push forward because it is what I always do. I just want to feel normal, happy, and comfortable because sometimes it is the little things that make us the most happy.

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