One year later

A year ago I was in a dark place, everything was slipping through my hands and I was spiraling out of control. From age ten to age nineteen I battled with my binge eating, a disorder in which I would eat two days worth of food in a sitting and cry myself to sleep afterwards to only starve myself the days to follow to make up for my discretion. I hated who I was, I hated the reflection I saw in the mirror, I told myself that I was fat, unloveable, and plain, I believed that who I was as a human being was worthless.

Fast forward to the present day, I am happy, healthy, and binge free. I never imagined my life to be the way it is now. I wake up each day seeing the beauty in my life and how grateful I am that I am here to say that I am twelve months sober from my food addiction. I wonder if people question an addiction to food, I know that it probably doesn’t make much sense because there is no “drug” in food so to speak. The high you get during a binge episode though is overwhelming, you are on this upscaling high that keeps rising and the comfort you feel is untouchable. Sitting there in my bed with these mounds of food surrounding me I felt at home. During the first few years of my disorder I didn’t have many friends and I would spent days on end in my room binge eating while watching my favorite movies because I felt empty and alone. As my disorder progressed I found myself restricting my calories the days following my episodes and doing hundreds of crunches in my room before bed so I could give my mind some sort of ease, only to repeat the process over and over again. My metabolism has taken a hard punch due to my disorder, the constant up and down has rattled it to the point where it is hard to distinguish how it even functions. I get angry at myself for doing this to my body, putting it through that abuse for almost ten years is mind blowing to me. However, I do see the good in the bad. For instance, I see that now I am stronger since my recovery started, my body functions and feels better than it did. I’m not as tired and lethargic anymore because I properly take care of my body with good food and healthy exercise. I am mentally stronger as well, I take time out each day to tell myself how beautiful I am, that I am strong and that I have a lot to offer to this world. I know that this probably sounds conceded but coming from someone who lived in a perpetual cycle of self hate, this is a healthy step for me and I am proud of myself for getting to this point in my recovery.

I know that I am not cured, that I will forever face my eating disorder because addictions just don’t disappear. They resurface from time to time and how you deal with it is what counts and I’ve learned to realize that I do not need food to make my life happy, to make me love myself, or to get where I want in life. I have a supportive family, great friends, and I am happy with who I am as a person and that is the only comfort I need, I DO NOT need food to comfort me. I find that when I used to binge eat I would reflect on the years I was bullied for my weight often. Remembering the hurtful things these kids would say to me still rattles my bones from time to time but then I realize that if I give into their torment even after all of these years they are still winning. What is astonishing though is that a few years ago one of the kids who used to torment me the worst tried to ask me out on a date, I was shocked, literally. How can you break someone down for years on end to then ask them out on a date, even to this day I still don’t understand it but I have made peace with it and spending anymore time on the past won’t better my present or future.

It is crazy how twelve months can truly change a person. I think of that depressed, angry, and lonely young woman who spent hours on end sitting in a dark room and loathing everything about her life, and I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she didn’t take the opportunities that were given to her, If I could go back in time and talk to her I would tell her that things will get better, that she is so very beautiful, and to not give up. I’m grateful that I never did give up, there were plenty of times where I wanted to do just that because I couldn’t see any other way. But through self determination and help from some incredible people, I found my way and I couldn’t be more thankful to myself and to those who helped me along the way. Even on this blog if you go to my earlier posts you can see how I struggled with my eating disorder and how it truly broke me down as a person, literally eating me at my core. I use these posts to further my recovery and to be a better person, a healthier person from the inside out and I thank all of those followers that sent me words of encouragement during that dark time, you also helped me get to where I am today and I thank you for that.

Thank you to those who have also been supportive on my Facebook today when I posted a picture and a brief story of my addiction, you all have been so kind and no amount of words can express my gratitude towards you. For those of you who have taken the time to read this novel, thank you, your precious time is valuable and to have spent it on reading my post means the world to me. I hope that my story gives comfort to those who are dealing with any struggle whether it be depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder. I am always here to lend a helping hand to anyone who needs it, whether I know you personally or not I do not care. I want to help those who need it because that in itself can be the first step in someone’s recovery, knowing that someone out there has their back and I do.

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One thought on “One year later

  1. You are, without a doubt, an amazingly insightful young woman. I only wish you had come to me during those years that you suffered immeasurably. You know that I’m the ONE person in this planet that you can ALWAYS turn to in your time of need. I love you more than life, itself, and I’m always here for you…no matter what. I love you sooooo much, Jessiemags! ❤

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