Lately I’ve been happy, driven, staying positive, but also sort of lonely and sad. It is weird to feel that way believe me, it probably sounds just as weird because how can someone be happy and sad? Well, I’m not really sure, I guess I’ve been feeling more let down, I’ve let some people into my life recently, people I thought cared and had big hearts, only to be ignored and let down, what a bummer. During this time though, I’m making new friends, taking on new responsibilities, and really figuring out who I am, and although I am stressed, tired, and emotionally drained, It will all be worth it in the end I keep telling myself. It is discouraging though that someone who seems so genuine and sweet, is content with brushing someone who seems important to them off their shoulder and forgetting that they even exist.
It is aggravating, especially because I pride myself on being a good person, someone who would take the shirt off of their own back to give to a stranger if they needed it and the fact that I go out of my way to make someone feel special, loved, and admired to only get sadness in return really brings me down. Makes me wonder, am I too nice? Do I care too much? the answers to those questions are probably yes, but I can’t change who I am, I can’t just turn off my humanity like vampires can in The Vampire Diaries, this is real life, this is who I am but I hate it, I absolutely hate that I am this way. It’s as if by wearing my heart on my sleeve I am subconsciously allowing people to just come in, take what they want, and bury me alive in my own self doubt and hate, it gets old, real old. I want to make a stand for myself, change the way in which I approach situations such as this one, but I am always afraid of confrontation and rejection because that is human nature, who likes to be rejected, no one obviously. Then again, I always preach to myself and others that if something is meant to be, it will be and if not, it won’t, but it is hard to grasp that especially when you’ve emotionally been involved and opened yourself up because that isn’t easy either, telling someone your secrets and letting them inside your head, past the checkpoint that most people reach and down to the nitty gritty is frightening, and when you finally trust someone and they shut the door in your face, it hurts, a lot and I guess I’m just at this point where I feel unlovable, maybe even crazy, maybe I am the highest on the crazy scale and I don’t even realize it, who knows, all I know is that I tried my best and although it wasn’t good enough I shouldn’t be sad or beat myself up, but that is only human nature too.
I try to remind myself of everything that is positive in my life, I have great friends, family, work, school, my dogs, all of the above but sometimes, it is hard to realize that the good truly outweighs the bad, but I always rise above shit like this, I just know I’m going to have to shake myself out of this funk.