Today I was cursing in the car with some friends through a more rural side of my town and I noticed how beautiful the intense color green of the grass and leaves on the trees, and how the sun shined so softly on the blades of grass was so breathtaking, while also feeling the warmth from the light on my face, it just made me feel so comfortable, so thankful, and so very happy. Sometimes it’s the little things that make us truly happy and take us by surprise. I find lately I’ve been realizing or appreciating these small things of happiness, and I’m glad, I’m glad that I am not ignorant to the beauty of this world and Mother Nature. I can’t say I’ve been this happy, ever, and it’s something I will not take for granted or let slip away. I vow to always appreciate the little things in life because sometimes, those are most important.
I don’t understand why I keep getting so sick. Why does my immune system suck so bad? I exercise, eat right for the most part…sure, I drink here and there and indulge in the wonders in life but who doesn’t? I literally was sick a month ago, hacking and wacking in bed and here I am AGAIN sick. I took numerous doses of cough medicine last night and I kept waking up dying with this horrible cough, like this medicine did NOTHING for me…so frustrating. I don’t understand this madness whatsoever.
I’ve been thinking about my novel again, creating ideas in my mind..I really should write them down so I have a better idea of where it will all fall, but putting my thoughts to paper is the challenge, isn’t it? Speaking of novels I read the first book in the Divergent series a few months ago and I finally watched the movie today. I was pleasently surprised with Shailene Woodley’s performance, I loved her in Secret Life of The American Teenager, but never knew she would actually do well in an action role. I love these sort of dystopia series like The Hunger Games, so fun to read and so unrealistic in my opinon, imagine our world like that? Or living in one for the matter, the ideas and imagainations these authors have are incredible, I only hope that mine can stretch as far.
I’m heading to the doctors as we speak, hopefully I can find some answers and get some medicine that will actually work!
I’ve been debating whether or not if I want to write a novel. I’m not really sure what I will write about but that is the fun in it right? I’m pretty sure it will surround itself around magic and all that good stuff because I’ll always be a kid at heart, and who doesn’t love a mystical story? I found this really interesting link that talks about how to write a rough draft novel in thirty days : http://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/oct/20/writing-your-novel-30-days-methodit is quite interesting and an awesome way to be organized while writing, I’m thinking I’m going to follow it and see where it goes.
I’ve found some pretty cool apps too such as “Blogo” which I’m writing on now, it is a desktop app on my MacBook Pro that I can post directly to WordPress instead of having to login on the web. I also picked up “iWriter”, a desktop app that creates a “typewriter” sort of app that allows me to just write without having all the extra crap hovering around the corners of my screen, it allows me to just sort of tune out while writing. I love the app store, I forget sometimes that I can download desktop applcations for my MacBook, some are so cool and interesting, I honestly love Apple.
But getting back to my novel, I’m pretty excited to get it started and seeing where it will go, I’m feeling pretty creative so we will see where this goes!
I’m sitting here at work listening to my Johnny Cash Pandora station and just reflecting on life. I have many plans and goals ahead of me, ones that I need to stick to and make damn sure that I don’t fall off track. I have to save a great deal of money while also paying my numerous bills, I know there will be times where I will say this isn’t worth it, or I just want those damn workout pants that are on sale online, but I know that if I stay consistent with my goals and budget, I’ll be able to go on another trip to another beautiful place, I’ll pay down my credit card debt, and I’ll lose weight because I won’t be eating out as much or spending my money on stupid junk food.
Life has really changed me, I like the person I am, truly. Each day I reflect on where I’ve been in life and how fortunate I am to have the life that I do. I am truly happy and motivated to do great things and explore this world around me. I am also grateful to have such great friends, last night, Tarah helped me budget and set up how much I need to save each month (which is a lot…) in order to go to Ecuador next summer and although I’m going to be stressed and upset at some points during this mental journey, I’ll develop better spending habits, and achieve an awesome task of actually paying for this trip in full, all by myself with my OWN money. Although I am MORE than grateful for my parents taking out a loan for my trip to Italy, being able to pay for Ecuador myself will definitely be a self esteem booster and something I can look back on and say yeah…I did that all on my own. Granted, I haven’t had the best record with spending and especially credit cards, but I am confident that I can do this, I just need to remind myself of the end result which is exploring and traveling, and doing what I love.
I love Johnny Cash, his music always grounds me and brings me back to a good place in my mind, his music is so soothing and raw, especially his newer songs and covers that are known in the American albums, Desperado, Hurt, and I Don’t Hurt Anymore are some of my most favorite covers/songs that he released, so full of emotion, I’m thankful that I enjoy classic music artists such as him.
Literally, I’ve been asking myself that question all day. I don’t want to drive, I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to go to the gym, I don’t want to edit my photos, I literally don’t want to do anything because I’m in one of THOSE slumps. Why? I couldn’t tell you. I just feel like I have no air in my lungs and that I’m struggling to breathe, like a panic attack but strung out, and toying with me. My claustrophobia is awful, I just feel like my anxiety is suffocating me, I can’t get away from this feeling.
I’m running down a dark hallway, it seems as if it will never end. Behind me, there is a cloud of darkness chasing me, getting closer with each step I take. I reach the end and there is nowhere for me to turn, I can’t escape, I am helpless. The black cloud envelopes me, almost embracing me but instead of feeling comfort, I am overwhelmed by emotion: sadness, anxiety, and restriction, I can’t move. I feel this heat, almost as if it is breathing down my neck, sending chills up my spine, letting me know that I can’t release it’s grasp. I feel it wrap around my heart, squeezing, as if it was a stress ball, the air in my lungs is slowly decreasing, I can’t catch my breath, and I start to slowly fall to the ground. As I look up at the ceiling, the darkness covers me like a blanket, pinning me down to the ground, sucking any piece of life out of me, I close my eyes, I feel no peace, I feel no air in my lungs, I drift away with the darkness.
A small piece of free write I guess, just sort of came to me, this is definitely a great way to explain how I’m feeling and how I see my anxiety and depression, how it weighs down on me so. I just feel as if I can’t escape it sometimes, like it’ll always be there, taunting me, knowing it’ll always have some sort of control over me, and I despise it.
I don’t deny it, nor will I ever. I know I’m an emotional eater, most people are. When I’m stressed, it calms me down. Sure, it isn’t the BEST stress reliever and sometimes I just feel worse after but sometimes in life, all you need is a good snack, so, I did just that.
I went to CVS across the street from work and bought a Butterfinger (which I was NEVER crazy about) and some CVS brand chex mix, and it is delicious and I don’t feel bad about it. Sometimes pleasure food really does soothe the soul and I do feel a bit better. I do still kinda wanna hide in a closet for a few days till I calm down but, we can’t just run away from our problems even though we might desire to do so. I just feel like there isn’t enough time, not enough spare moments and appreciate and that drives me nuts. I HATE feeling like I’m running around and never get a chance to just slow down. Maybe that is why I’ve been so tired lately, maybe me feeling so anxious and spread too thin is what’s wearing me out. I wish I was one of those people who don’t stress out easily, I’m like a walking, talking, stress ball all the time it feels like and it does weigh me down, I hate that, I absolutely hate that about my anxiety. I wish I could turn it all off and just be calm, cool, and collected ya dig?
I’m a fan of the satirical and cynical definitions of Ambrose Bierce, first written as a daily newspaper column and later collected in The Devil’s Dictionary. (It was originally called the Cynic’s Word Book, but so many politicians of the day called Bierce a Devil that he felt the new title more appropriate.)
Unfortunately, very few of Mr. Bierce’s definitions apply to photography. Seeing a need that should be filled, I immediately began working on a Devil’s Dictionary of Photographic terms. Hopefully, some of you will join in and help to expand this desperately needed work.
The Cynic’s Photography Dictionary
Aberration – Something that is wrong with the lens by design, as opposed to something wrong with the lens by…
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