“Cause’ I need this hole gone…”

Not that I like Rihanna…but “Stay” is one of my favorite songs and a cover version by Shaun Reynolds feat. Laura Pring is fantastic and beautiful. This quote from the song (the title) is so significant to me, I feel that I’ve had this hole inside for what seems forever. When my heart got broken some time ago I feel as though it has never healed the right way. Food, depression, and low self esteem just seems to linger above my head. Don’t get me wrong, these issues were in my life long before my lost love but I just feel as though that, that one event has truly dismantled who I am. It has changed me entirely, it is hard for me to trust and It is almost impossible it seems to allow myself to be loved. It’s not easy to just live and let live yanno? My past has held me back from so much and still does. It is nights like tonight that I am so miserable with myself and where I am in life. I just don’t understand why I am never 100% happy. Some say that no one will ever be 100% happy but I can remember a time when I was. Being a child was pure happiness because you do not know the realities of life such as pain, love lost, or any financial burdens. For most people a childhood is wonderful fulfilling memories. I know some are not so lucky to have pleasurable flashbacks to their childhood but I can say that about my own. I wasn’t abused or neglected, I had/still have a loving family that supports me. I’m just too arrogant to realize that…I’m too arrogant to realize anyone who genuinely loves me. I tell my mother sometimes how I’d be so content with living in Alaska (one of my dream places to go) in a cabin by myself with no connections to the outside world besides a newspaper and a landline. I’d have a couple of dogs and I’d make friends with the town locals but I would find great happiness in sitting by a fire with a book and a cup of tea. I don’t need fancy items in my life or extravagant people. Sometimes though, it frightens me that the fact of me being alone doesn’t scare me like it used too. Shouldn’t I want a significant other or a friend there with me? I guess some nights I’d feel the emptiness in my cabin but I truly feel that being completely shut out would somehow allow myself to repair my broken heart, mind, and body. Whoever is reading this you are probably thinking I’m selfish, ignorant, and straight up crazy but I really do care for those who love me. I am not turning a cheek to those who have helped me through my almost twenty years of life. I have a loving girlfriend and friends and a great family but sometimes I feel that because I have so much support I’ve never had to truly rely on myself..when in reality all you have is yourself so why not be dependent on just you? 

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2 thoughts on ““Cause’ I need this hole gone…”

  1. It’s interesting…sounds like the real questions your asking is “what’s the point?” and “is there a purpose to all this stuff and to life itself?” – I admire you and your journey. Keep plugging away!

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