I knew today I was going to binge. I knew it at work, I knew it when I was serving customers, I knew I was going to stop at a grocery store on my way home…and I did it.
I bought a whole package of Chips A’Hoy Chewy Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip cookies and a bag of Cheddar Ruffles…they are gone.
I feel physically sick and mentally sick. The fact that my binge episode was premeditated and the fact I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. It makes me sick…I feel like I’m going throw up everyone…it is a good thing I can’t make myself throw up because I’d be bulimic by now…
Sometimes I wish I had anorexia…even though I know I have anorexic tendencies…I just think it would be easier for me. I’d still be obsessed with food but I’d have the willpower to say no. However, I do not have the luxury. I always say “yes” to food..it is a CONSTANT battle. I’ll never win. I’ll forever be a slave to binge eating disorder.
One week I’m on top of the world with healthy eating habits and healthy exercising habits but then it goes down the drain. I allow my binge eating disorder to destroy ALL of my good work.
Tomorrow needs to be better. SOS.